“Hi, son. Did you make any new friends today?”
“No.”
“Have you seen any nice kids you want to invite over to visit?”
“Not really.”
“What are you going to do this weekend?”
“I dunno … hang out at home, I guess.”
Tom is frustrated. His family moved into a new home and neighborhood months
ago. By now, he expected his quiet, yet very friendly, son would have some
friends. Instead, Micah seems stuck in neutral. “He’s always been shy,” Tom
thinks to himself, “but this is ridiculous. Not only does it seem as if he
isn’t trying, he doesn’t even to seem to care that he doesn’t have any
friends!”
Ten-year-old Micah, however, sees his situation very differently. He misses
his old friends a lot, and he wants to make new ones eventually. But first,
he is focused on getting used to his new house, new neighborhood and new
school. Moving from the West Coast to the East is a big change, and there
is a lot he is still getting used to!
When it comes to making friends, Micah feels okay about himself. He got
along great with his old friends and he is pretty sure he’ll eventually
make some new friends here, too. He just prefers to take his time. “What’s
the big rush?” he thinks to himself every time his dad bugs him with,
“C’mon Micah, you just need to get out there and start making friends!” Tom
isn’t trying to give his son a hard time, of course, but he is starting to
worry. “It doesn’t seem normal,” he frets. “When I was his age, I always
wanted to be with my friends.”
It’s ok to be an introvert
Tom needn’t worry, however. Scientists estimate that between 25 and 50
percent of the population are introverts, people born with
temperaments that are more focused on internal feelings than on external
stimulation. Introverts can be as happy and successful in life as their
more social counterparts, the extroverts. And introverts are not
necessarily lonely. They enjoy their friendships, but they often have their
own distinctive approach to making and keeping friends.
The more parents understand how introverted children approach friends and
friendship, the more helpful they can be to them. Introverts, for instance,
tend to feel awkward around people who are new to them. It takes time for
them to feel comfortable and safe being themselves. This can be a challenge
for a child like Micah when entering a new neighborhood or school where
many kids already know each other. Introverts, who also tend to be quiet
and reserved, may unknowingly make it difficult for new acquaintances to
see them as people who are friendly.
Encourage friendliness skills
Parents like Tom can use this time to encourage their children to practice
– and even expand upon – their friendliness skills. For example, Tom can
let Micah know when he notices and appreciates his friendly behaviors:
“Hey, Micah, that kid seemed to really appreciate it when you laughed at
his joke and told him it was ‘really funny.’ That was a good way to show
that you like to joke around, too.” Tom can also suggest some new
friendliness skills Micah can add to his repertoire: “I know you’d rather
read your new book than play soccer, but when the ball gets kicked your
way, it might be a nice gesture to kick it back to the players. The other
kids would probably appreciate that. What do you think?”
As a child who knows how to be a friend and who likes to have friends,
Micah is in a good position to develop new friendships before long. The
more his father offers his son encouragement, rather than pressuring him,
the more likely it is that Micah will develop a level of comfort and social
confidence in his new neighborhood and new school. The ideas below will
give you even more ideas about how to inspire and encourage your
introverted child to make and enjoy friends, as well.
Tips for Encouraging Introverted Children
- Don’t Push.
Most children resist feeling pressured, even when they are being
pressured to “make lots of friends!” If your son prefers to go
slow, don’t rush him, but use the following ideas to encourage him. - Express Interest.
Introverts are often excellent observers, so encourage your child
to share what he or she is learning about the other children. “What
do the other kids talk about? What games do they play at recess?
Who else seems to like horses the way you do?” - Notice friendly behavior.
Use encouragement to reinforce your child’s friendly interactions
with other children. “I noticed the smile and wave you gave to the
kid next door this morning. He seemed to appreciate your
friendliness, too!” or “I know you really like that girl’s colorful
socks. I bet she would like it if you told her so. What do you
think?” If your child is hesitant, brainstorm some new ideas and
offer opportunities to practice. - Encourage Small Steps.
If your son is hesitant to talk to new kids, suggest he first
start with friendly smiles. If your daughter resists inviting a new
child to your home for a play date or a sleepover, suggest smaller
(and easier) get-togethers. - Widen the field.
Are the other fifth-graders all into soccer and video games, but
your son is mad about graphic novels? He may find more potential
friends in cartooning art classes or a Manga fan club at your local
library. - Invite others to help.
Young introverts often enjoy being taken under the wing of
extroverts who are happy to help. Ask your neighbors and your
child’s teachers if there is someone who might be willing to be
your child’s buddy and introduce him to his own friendship circles.
Ten-year-olds who think it’s ‘weird’ for dads and moms to find
friends for them, will readily accept the same help from their
peers.
