Navigating Grief and Parenting During the Holidays

The holiday season, with its bright lights and festive cheer, can feel like an agonizing contrast to those experiencing grief. For parents who are responsible for creating the holiday magic, grieving while parenting can feel especially challenging. As therapists who have supported numerous parents through grief and loss, and as parents who have navigated this difficult dance of grief and caregiving ourselves, we know firsthand how challenging this season can be. 

Grieving While Parenting 

When loss happens, our world stops. It may feel as if we are walking around with a gaping wound and the rest of the world barely skips a beat. For any parent, life is full of unending responsibilities, noise and caretaking. This is in direct contrast to what a grieving heart needs – solace, rest and to be taken care of. While there is no magic solution and grief is a process that we can’t (and shouldn’t) circumvent, there are ways to find solace and support during this challenging season.  We hope the following tips will help. 

Acknowledge Your Grief

First and foremost, it’s important to acknowledge your grief. Of course, this can feel very painful and is especially challenging when you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, but it’s important. Suppressing your grief doesn’t make it go away, it means you are working twice as hard to not feel your feelings while feeling them in isolation. 

Communicate with Your Children

Grieving parents often find themselves caught between wanting to protect their children from pain and not wanting to lie or distance themselves from their children. It’s OK and important to share your feelings with your children but do so in developmentally appropriate ways that offer reassurance and support. For example, try saying something like, “I am very sad about losing X and I love you. I am OK, even though I’m crying” or “I am feeling sad about X right now and I can still take care of you.” 

Rely on Your Support System

Having a support system in your corner is essential for long-term healing and for navigating the demands of parenting. Make a list of people that you can go to for instrumental support and another list of folks that you can rely on for emotional support, and ask for help. While it would feel great if people could intuit your needs without your asking, being clear and communicative about your needs is the most effective way to get the support you deserve. 

Shift Your Expectations of Yourself

Remember that being a “good” parent doesn’t mean you are parenting one way all the time. If parenting now involves more iPads, earlier bedtimes or more takeout, know that you are doing great. Your kids are loved and cared for. Try letting go of how parenting is “supposed” to look, especially during the intense holiday season, and work on accepting that good enough is great! 

Know When to Tap Out

There is so much pressure on parents during this season – school holiday parties to attend, teacher gifts to plan, present shopping to attend to. Remember it’s OK to tap out. Consider saying no to the party, buying rather than baking the cookies, or sending a family member or friend to an event in your stead. Saying no and giving yourself permission to opt out will free up space to feel more present in your parenting and be able to say yes to other things more. 

Maintain Some Holiday Traditions (But Keep Them Flexible)

Traditions can provide comfort and a sense of normalcy during the holidays. However, it’s also okay to adapt or even skip some traditions if they are too painful or if the lift feels too great. It’s OK if the holiday celebrations are pared down, look different or maybe even happen on a different day. 

Prioritize Time for Yourself

Taking care of yourself is crucial. It’s so easy to neglect your own needs when you are parenting, especially during the busy holiday season, but self-care is essential for your well-being. Consider small but meaningful acts of self-care such as finding a moment alone, spending time with a friend, practicing mindfulness or meditation or even just taking a few deep breaths. 

While we know the frameworks and strategies provided here won’t eliminate all that is hard about grieving while parenting, we hope they’ll make it a little easier to cope. Ultimately, remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel, and that making space for that can be especially difficult to navigate. If you need more support or are concerned about grieving while parenting, meeting with a qualified therapist can help. 

Dr. Emma Basch is a licensed clinical psychologist based in Washington, D.C. She is the founder and director of Dr. Emma Basch & Associates, a group practice specializing in the mental health needs of women and families.  

Karen Coad is a licensed psychotherapist and a contract trainer for Triple P America (Positive Parenting Program).