Would you like to wear your red shirt today?
NO!
How about the blue one?
NO!
Do you want to wear a shirt at all?
NO!
Sound familiar?
If “no” has somehow become your toddler’s answer to almost every question—even questions you are fairly certain they actually want to say yes to—you are not alone.
You may very well be in the toddler “no” phase, which usually starts around 15-18 months and lasts about 1-2 years. But try not to worry! This is a normal part of child development, and, like other phases and stages, this too shall pass.
As a board-certified pediatrician at Kaiser Permanente, I have many conversations with parents about how to survive the “no” phase. Here is what I advise them to help make this phase just a little bit easier.
Why do toddlers say “no” to everything?
The word “no” is easy for little kids to say and an easy word for them to repeat. And they’ve likely heard the word “no” hundreds, if not thousands, of times by the time they are 15-18 months. They hear their parents, older siblings, or childcare providers saying “no, don’t do that!”
The repeated exposure to the word embeds it in their developing vocabulary and becomes a blanket word — their go-to word for many situations. And, since toddlers have limited vocabularies, “no” becomes a catch-all response when they are frustrated, overwhelmed, uncertain or testing boundaries. And then they discover something else: “No” gets a reaction.
Saying “no” also is about their desire to assert some control. They aren’t saying “no” to annoy their parents; they are saying it to establish autonomy. “No” can mean “I don’t want that.” Or “I want to do it myself,” or “I’m frustrated, I’m tired.” Or simply, “I’m testing what happens if I say no.” The desire for independence often develops faster than a toddler’s vocabulary and ability to regulate emotions and impulses.
As a result, parents may feel as though they are constantly in battle.
How to respond to the toddler “no” phase
One of the best ways to navigate the “no” phase is to model the behavior and language you want to see and hear. Toddlers are natural imitators: They copy the words and actions of others. When parents are calm, use simple language and set clear boundaries, children are likely to respond positively; when adults become frustrated, toddlers often become even more upset. So instead of saying “no,” try to use more detailed language – language you would feel comfortable if they emulate.
Redirection can also help. Instead of focusing on what a child cannot do, try guiding them toward what they can do. For example, if a toddler is engaging in unwanted behavior, calmly explain the boundary and offer an alternative activity. Toddlers typically respond better when they are given acceptable options rather than simply hearing “no.”
Another strategy is to offer limited choices throughout the day. Giving toddlers a sense of control can reduce struggles and satisfy their growing desire for independence. Parents might ask, “Would you like the red shirt or the blue shirt?” or “Would you like an apple or an orange?” The parent still sets the parameters, but the child gets to participate in the decision-making process.
What to do when “no” turns into a meltdown
Every parent eventually encounters situations where children have temper tantrums and meltdowns. During these moments, staying calm is important. Rather than attempting to reason with an upset toddler, give them space to work through their emotions.
Parents can acknowledge a child’s feelings without giving in to every demand. For example, if a child wants chocolate before dinner, you might say, “I know you really want chocolate. Chocolate is delicious. You can have some after dinner.” This approach validates the child’s feelings while maintaining an appropriate boundary.
Similarly, if a child wants to do something unsafe, explain the reason for the limit and offer an alternative. Rather than focusing solely on the prohibition, guide them toward a safe option. For example, walking up the slide isn’t safe. “Let’s walk up the steps together and slide down.”
Validation combined with redirection can help children feel heard without compromising important rules.
Why saying yes helps
While boundaries are important, I encourage parents to look for opportunities to say yes. Picking your battles and allowing flexibility when appropriate — as long as the request is safe and reasonable — can reduce power struggles.
How routines reduce power struggles
Toddlers often do better when they know what to expect. Establishing routines for activities such as bedtime, meals and getting ready in the morning reduces uncertainty and conflict. Visual routine charts with pictures help children understand what comes next.
Parents can also support their child’s sense of independence by involving them in activities. Whether helping mix ingredients in the kitchen, sweeping with a child-sized broom, or participating in household routines, these experiences help children feel capable.
And, when adults spend time engaged in their child’s activities, they strengthen connections and bonds, which may make other parts of the day easier.
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How routines reduce power struggles
For many children, the “no” phase lessens as language skills develop. As toddlers grow their vocabularies, they gain more sophisticated ways to express their feelings, needs and wants. The desire for independence remains, but parents are more likely to hear complete sentences rather than “NO!”
Until then, remember this stage is a sign of healthy development! For additional reading, look at the American Academy of Pediatrics website and/or ask your child’s pediatrician for a list of helpful parenting books.
Big feelings, calm boundaries
You can acknowledge your toddler’s frustration while holding a clear limit. Explore more ways to help your child work through strong emotions. Help Your Child Handle Big Feelings.
Frequently Asked Questions
When does the toddler “no” phase start and end?
Usually around 15 to 18 months, lasting about one to two years. It fades as language skills grow.
Why does my toddler say no to everything?
“No” is easy to say and is heard often, and it helps toddlers assert control and express frustration.
Is the “no” phase normal?
Yes. It’s a sign of healthy development.
What can I say instead of “no”?
Stay calm, acknowledge the feeling and hold the boundary.
Dr. Azadeh Sami, MD, is a board-certified pediatrician with the Mid-Atlantic Permanente Medical Group. She sees patients at the Kaiser Permanente Fair Oaks Medical Center.
