Have you ever found yourself “listening” to your child while actually
thinking, “are you kidding me, this again?!” Children are persistent and
incredible at showing us over and over again exactly what they need, until
we finally get it. Sometimes the simple act of recognizing their desperate
pleas to be watched without our gaze moving away from them removes their
need to persist in a tantrum. When we slow down, get down on their level
and remember the intensity with which our children experience the world
around them, so many barriers can be broken down and replaced with
connection and growth. Sometimes by simply saying, “This is really hard for
you,” or “You are showing me just how mad you are right now,” we can help
relieve a child’s stress response.
Attachment theory.
Child development and years of research show us that
children are incredibly sophisticated at adjusting to the needs and
expectations of their parents. Meaning, when children comprehend that their
needs truly cannot be met, they begin to stop asking, expecting or even
wanting that connection. In other words, their nervous systems begin to
“shut down.” This shift can look very different during infancy, young
childhood, adolescence and adulthood. What would it be like, instead, to
flip our own thinking when a child in need approaches us? What if we adjust
our needs for the moment, regulating our own emotions and becoming present
to what the child desperately needs for healthy development? Simply put,
what if we respect our children as individuals separate from us with their
own ways of thinking and being in the world?
Rarely can a child listen all of the time, be agreeable all of the time or
reach full potential under the strict pressure of being in line perfectly
with their parents’ thinking all of the time. In fact, it is detrimental to
the development of the brain to block a child’s path to creative thinking
and problem solving through their feelings. As adults we often
give our children all of the answers, choosing a quick solution out of
convenience to fit our need, whether it is resolving our own
embarrassment, shock, anger, disappointment, time management, etc.
“I’m not going to let my child tell me what to do,” or “Aren’t I just
enabling a tantrum if I let my child act like that?” are concerns and
statements parents sometimes pose. It is important to differentiate between
listening/respecting our children and just being in charge. As a parent, it
is our job to help our children navigate their complex emotional states and
help them organize and regulate their feelings. If we shift our perspective
to the true meaning of “discipline” (from the Latin word for “teach,
pupil”) and truly instruct our children in the moment through relationship
and connection, we will find that as the adult caregiver we ultimately are
in charge, choosing to guide the moment and the child patiently towards
growth. We are in essence asking, “What do I want my child to learn in this
moment?”
“They are just doing it for attention.”
Often an automatic response from parents, teachers and caregivers, often with a negative tone/connotation as
if it is wrong for a child to desire our attention. These adults are
correct in a sense – the children are doing “it” for exactly that –
attention. Dr. Stephen Porges and Dr. Sue Carter have demonstrated through
their enlightening research on the neurobiology of the brain that we are
hardwired for connection to others, and it is imperative to our survival.
When a child makes his voice louder, movement bigger, protest stronger,
they are signaling clearly that they WANT, even NEED, to be in connection
with us. Children never want to be alone in their big feelings. Children
may need space, and can show us this through words and behaviors; however,
needing space does not require that they go through their big feelings
alone.
It is important to recognize our limits as parents and human beings.
Times when children may cause us to reach a breaking point of anger or
frustration. If you are feeling as though you want to hurt your child, make
them feel guilt or shame, then THIS is a good time to take your own space.
It is okay to need space as a parent. If you are choosing this route,
please reassure your child by announcing that you are taking space and give
them a reasonable duration to expect. “I really need space right now; I
will come speak with you in five minutes.” When we desert our children in a
fragile moment without any recognition of this intended action, we run the
risk of our child feeling rejected and alone to experience their feelings.
If in the end it is safer to walk away without any verbalization, please
understand that a small “rupture” in the relationship has just been
committed. Nevertheless, “repair” is always around the corner. You and your
child can make it right again, together. When ready to return to your
child, you might say something like, “You know, I really did not like how
that went earlier. Here are my thoughts. What do you think?” You affect the
process of “repair” by problem-solving through your feelings together.
REMEMBER: In moments when you feel most like walking away from your child,
THAT is when he/she may need you the MOST.
Here are some tips for
grounding, refocusing and connecting with your child during these
difficult, shared experiences:
- Be with your child, fully. Describe, name and confirm the
interaction.“You are showing me just how angry you are – is that right?”
- Let your child know you are there, period.
“This is really hard for you; how can I help?” And then wait with
your child. - Give your child options, and do not threaten abandonment.
“We need to leave now. Either you can choose your shoes or I can
help you.” - Encourage your child, and give him time to problem solve in the
moment. Rarely does a child feel motivated to change his behavior
when the parent expresses feeling defeated before even beginning a
task with their child.“You are having a hard time listening. I know you can make a good
choice.” And then wait with your child. - Practice. Practice. Practice. When our children are not behaving,
give them a chance to “show you” the desired or appropriate
behavior.“I see that you threw your toy down; let’s practice sharing. Try
again to hand that toy to your sister. Show me.” Offer to help if
your child still persists in avoiding direction. “We will pick up
the toy together. Let’s practice.” Then praise. Praise. Praise.
When your child does practice and is successful in completing a
desired task, give him lots of positive reinforcement through
affection, attention and praise. - Pay attention to negative language. Replace “No’s” with “Yes’s.”
For example, rather than saying, “No, you cannot have candy” try
“Yes, another day.”Or rather than saying, “No, you cannot watch TV tonight” try “Yes,
during the weekend.” - Let children practice empathy and create their own solutions.
“Bobby, look at Mommy’s face – how do you think I am feeling?”
Bobby might say, “mad.” And you offer, “Do you have any ideas why?”
Much to your amazement Bobby likely will have his own idea for
fixing the problem that he helped create. Perhaps Bobby will say,
“I could say sorry.” In that case, how much more meaningful will it
be to your relationship when Bobby’s apology comes from him, rather
than being prescriptive? Try to move away from statements like,
“You need to say you’re sorry, right now.” Children can come to
such a constructive resolution on their own. - Crying is communicative. If your child is crying, he is showing you
how hard the moment is. The challenge is to put down your desire to
accomplish a task in the moment, resist your irritation over the
crying, let go of your fully-developed inner voice telling you that
you are enabling a negative response and respond to your child’s
need for connection. Your child is SHOWING you what is needed –
comfort. Comfort may look different for every family, whether it is
a hug, pat on the back, verbal recognition or rocking your child in
silence. When we ignore the NEED for comfort, your child inevitably
will create even more distress in order to seek out this comfort.
Rather than a fifteen-minute battle of telling a child to “suck it
up” or “stop crying,” you can offer possibly less than a minute of
comfort and move on together, well-regulated. - Be consistent. You can help teach your child to be accountable,
while maintaining rules and boundaries in the household. Be
consistent and be kind. - Keep it simple. When you find yourself talking “at” your children
or notice that they are no longer hearing you, remember to come
back to the body. Notice what they are showing you with their face,
body, proximity, tone, etc. Then go back to Tip #1. Fewer words can
go further for children.
Some of these approaches might seem daunting or indulging in the short
term; however, in the long term, you are communicating that you will take the time to meet your child’s needs in the moment, in pursuit
of healthy development. And when you as a parent practice this perspective
over and over, your child will gently and surely learn that they can become
thoughtfully responsive, rather than overly reactive, in difficult moments.
Sharing in these difficult experiences, parent and child learn to
“co-regulate.” Together, they learn that they do not need to be as BIG, as
LOUD, as STRONG in communicating one another’s needs. With fewer moments of
power struggles, combative tantrums and frustration, we find ourselves open
to opportunities of more shared moments of positivity, confidence building
and authentic attunement.
Remember that parent and child relationships go through cycles of
connection, disconnection and reconnection. If you are feeling disconnected
with your child, understand that it is part of the journey of relating to
another person, and that there will be an opportunity for reconnecting
again. In the end, children want to be connected to us – it is that simple.
Be Present. Be Consistent. Be Kind.
A child with severe emotional, sensory or behavioral dysregulation issues,
or a parent who is more limited in the capacity to be self-reflective, may
need professional assistance beyond these tips.
Recommended Books for Parents:
- “No Drama Discipline” by Daniel Siegel
- “Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain” by Daniel
Siegel - “Growing an In-Sync Child” by Carol Kranowitz & Joye Newman
References:
Siegel, D.J., Bryson, T.P. (2014). “No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain
Way to Calm The Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind.” Mind Your
Brain, Inc. New York.
Cooper, G., Hoffman, K., Powell, B. (2009). Circle of Security
International: Early Intervention Program for Parents and Children.
Retrieved from circleofsecurity.org
