Dashing from one thing to the next? Constantly running late? Feeling
overwhelmed by everyday events, or surprised by forgotten appointments?
This is modern-day parenting: too much to do in too little time. As a
professional organizer and a certified parent educator, I see parents and
families bump into the time problem frequently. Many people (maybe even
you) assume that the feeling of being overwhelmed is a fact of life that
can’t be helped. Fear not – there is hope. A combination of improved time
management and engaged parenting can make all the difference in the world.
In working with parents, I have noticed three lifestyle changes that offer
big rewards in terms of taming your time. I recommend that you focus on one
at a time. Why only one? When we try to “fix” everything at once we start
off excited and hopeful, and for a while we can deal with the enormous
energy, effort and discomfort required to make major changes. Soon enough,
it’s all too much. We lose steam, our energy drops and hope turns to
disappointment as we let ourselves down. Eventually, we give up and go back
to our old ways, feeling defeated and dejected. Focusing on just one of the
following three lifestyle changes at a time will enable you to find success
and create family harmony in the time you have.
Transitions
Transitioning from family life to the working world, from our early morning
cup of coffee to waking up the children, from checking our work emails to
reviewing homework, from reading stories at bedtime to preparing for the
next day’s meetings – life as a parent is filled with transitions. “The
first moments of every encounter matter,” notes Julie Morgenstern, New York Times Best-Selling author of six books, including
“Organizing from the Inside Out.” “If you are prepared for the first five
to seven minutes of reconnecting, you will buy yourself hours of freedom,”
says Julie. That means before our kids wake up and before we pick them up at school, we truly stop “adulting” and
transition to parenting. Close out, focus and connect. “You have to stop
shoving in one more thing,” says Morgenstern. The false sense of
productivity that we feel at pick-up time when we delete one more email or
send that last text will actually slow us down. Lack of connection between
parent and child leads to misbehavior, and dealing with misbehavior gobbles
up time, energy and good will.
Children are most likely to cooperate when they feel a sense of connection
and closeness with their parent, so focus on drawing firm lines around
parenting time: forget about email for the moment, put the phone on
airplane mode, stay off the laptop. Doing so will open up opportunities for
more connection, resulting in less misbehavior on the part of your
children.
Special Time
“Special time” is a period of several minutes set aside every week to focus
one-on-one with each child. It’s a date we put on our calendars and show up
for, even if our kid has misbehaved. Special time is predictable, reliable
and consistent. I like to think of it as the physical manifestation of our
unconditional love. According to Kathy Hedge, Executive Director of the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Maryland, “Special time
is always the first suggestion for improving the parent-to-child
connection. During special time, we turn off all devices and dive head
first into our child’s world for 20 minutes or so.”
How is this a time management tool when we are already too busy? Building
the relationship takes time in the beginning and saves a huge amount of
time in the long run by radically reducing children’s misbehavior. Through
special time, we gain our kids’ cooperation, help, goodwill and humor. How
much smoother would our days be if our family members were more
consistently cooperative and helpful?
Share the Load
Parents, we are often so hard on ourselves and want to make life easy and
smooth for our kids. Being busy, having meaningful work and pursuing
outside interests can nourish you as well as your family. Kids are often
capable of far more than we realize and begin to grow in new directions
when we step out of their way. When Hedge took on a bigger work commitment
as PEP’s executive director, her teens stepped up to the plate and assumed
more responsibilities, pitching in to cook dinner and contribute to the
family chores. Think about the win-win of creating more time in your day by
training kids to take responsibility for chores, self-care and home care.
The caveat here is that kids will need time and practice to grow into our
standards. If we can learn to love a lumpy bed, appreciate overcooked pasta
and not worry about the corners of the living room that didn’t get
vacuumed, kids generally won’t mind pitching in.
Family life is fluid, rapidly changing and unpredictable – that we know,
for sure! Sharpening up our transitions, closing out our work day before we re-enter family life, creating special time each week
with our children and sharing the load – these crucial habits will give us
the renewable energy we need to keep our family life harmonious, on track
and fun.
Tips to Go
-
Have device-free time in the morning while kids are getting off to school
and again during dinner and at bedtime. -
Create and maintain a once-a-week special time – one kid with one parent
for twenty minutes. Put it on the calendar, let the child direct the
activity and watch cooperation increase. -
Invite kids to help with chores, self-care and the routines
in the house. Learn to love their standards, knowing they will become
faster and better as time goes on if we prevent criticism from squashing
their desire to help. -
Make time for self-care. Meditation, exercise, reading and getting together
with friends are all renewable energy sources. Don’t overlook them on your
parenting journey.
