Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is co-author with Daniel J. Siegel of the
best-selling book “The Whole Brain Child” and, more recently, of
“The Yes Brain Child: Help Your Child be More Resilient, Independent and
Creative.” Based in Los Angeles, she will present a webinar as part of the
Parent Encouragement Program’s Noted Parenting Author Series on Wednesday,
January 30, at 8 p.m. EST. I interviewed her on how parents can equip their
children to thrive.
Three key factors for children
Q: In your book, “The Yes Brain,” you focus on how parents can build
courage, curiosity and resilience in their children. Are these more
urgent now? Why is this the area we should focus on?
A: When I talk to teachers and people who have worked with children for
decades, they’re telling me that kids have more difficulty regulating
themselves than they ever have, and research is indicating that anxiety,
depression and suicide risk factors are higher than they’ve ever been in
our kids. And, we also have an adversity gap in our country, where some
kids have way too much adversity, as we see in the Adverse Childhood
Experiences (ACEs) incidence studies, and then we have kids who have
parents who are hyper-involved in their children’s lives, helping their
kids avoid any negative feelings or experiences. Kids are spending more
time in structured activities, doing academics and on screens, and far less
time playing and being outside than ever before.
All of these things, among other factors, make it urgent and necessary to
increase courage, curiosity and resilience in kids. We should focus on
building these skills and creating an intentional culture to cultivate
these qualities because they are essential things that allow kids to be
truly successful (which is way different from achieving). And while there
is nothing wrong with achievement, and we can celebrate our kids’
successes, many parents think only of achievement. We encourage parents to
think about success as having an inner compass, as being balanced,
resilient, insightful and empathetic. When we focus on building these
skills, we can actually build the connections in the brain that allow these
qualities to become wired. Where attention goes, neurons fire, and where
they fire, they wire. So when we give attention to courage, curiosity,
resilience, balance, insight, empathy, etc., we are activating and wiring
our kids’ brains. (And our own!)
The four types of Yes Brain
Q: Can you talk about the four types of Yes Brain you discuss in your
book (balanced, resilient, insightful and empathetic)?
It’s not by chance that we start with balance. If your emotions and your
life aren’t balanced, you can’t be resilient, insightful or empathetic.
When we talk about balance we mean emotional regulation and that our
nervous system is in a state of balance, which can only happen when we
perceive that we are safe and we are in a receptive state. Our brains are
either in a balanced/receptive/flexible/open state (a Yes Brain) or in a
reactive/closed/defensive/rigid state (a No Brain). Our lives have to be
balanced as well, in order for our emotions and our nervous systems to be
balanced. One area where balance seems to be off for many families is in
the area of sleep. Many of our kids are chronically sleep deprived, which
makes it very difficult to stay balanced. Earlier bedtimes or later sleep
in the mornings are crowded out by screen time, too many enrichment
activities, excessive academic pressures and parents’ overwhelmed
schedules.
Resilience develops when we give kids practice dealing with challenges with
enough support that they can be stretched outside of their comfort zone,
but also weather the storm with enough success to feel that they can handle
difficult things. When we over-protect our kids from any difficulty or from
feeling disappointment or negative emotions, they don’t get the
opportunities to build skills and learn that they are strong. Specifically,
this can look like this: “You’re disappointed that you can’t stay up later
with the older kids. It’s hard to be disappointed. It’s time to sleep now,
but I’ll be here with you while you’re sad about that.” They also develop
resilience by learning skills that help them have the strategies to deal
with negative emotions and difficult situations.
Insight is the superpower of self-understanding that allows kids to pay
attention to their inner landscape with curiosity. Being able to tune into
the feelings and thoughts inside of ourselves allows us to not be victim to
our feelings and circumstances and to shift our emotions.
Empathy allows us not only to see others’ perspectives and to feel with
others, but also to find joy in reducing the suffering of others and to
celebrate the successes of others. All of these abilities are functions of
the middle prefrontal cortex and, since this is the last part of the brain
to develop, we have a long window in which to help build the connections
and the capacity of this part of the brain.
One important step for parents
Q: What are the biggest mistakes you see parents making?
A: I think parents are overwhelmed and taxed. I think one thing that seems
fairly common and changeable, is that when kids get reactive or
disrespectful or have problematic behavior because they’re dysregulated and
have lost balance, parents join them in that reactive state of mind and it
just amplifies the distress all around. Making sure we’re balanced and
regulated, both in the moment (taking a break or waiting if needed),
calming our own nervous systems and emotions before we engage or interact
and – in the bigger picture – taking care of ourselves and getting enough
sleep so that we have the capacity to parent the way we’d like to parent,
is essential. If we want to teach our kids to be balanced, resilient,
insightful and empathetic, we have to model that. We don’t have to be
perfect, and when we mess up, we can repair with our kids, but these are
areas we can cultivate in ourselves as well.
Making changes
Q: When parents first hear about your ideas, how do they start to shift
their behavior to really make a difference in their homes? What are the
first steps to changing entrenched habits?
A: One thing we can do that is so important for our children is to be
present. We are often distracted and disconnected on our own
technology/devices, we’re not giving ourselves enough self-care to be
balanced.
Q: Often parents feel that they can manage their emotions and help a
single child as well, but when siblings come into it, everything goes
haywire. Do you have advice in that situation?
A: Triage. I’ve often found that separating kids, when possible, and
working with each one individually is the most effective way to defuse and
soothe and teach skills. When it’s not safe to leave kids alone or they’re
too young to do that, you just stay as calm as possible, de-escalate the
situation with calm presence and empathy. Sometimes it’s best just to name
what is happening (especially when in the car): “You’re mad. You’re mad.
I’m mad. We’re all angry right now. Let’s take a pause and listen to music
until we are all calmer, and then we’ll listen to each other and be
problem-solvers.”
