Social connection – the sense of being understood and genuinely belonging
within a group – has been identified as a major contributor to a healthy,
fulfilling life. It’s a “chicken soup” for our physical and psychological
well-being, especially for adolescents who are struggling with who they are
and finding their place in the world.
With the onslaught of social media apps such as Instagram, Twitter,
Snapchat, Facebook and more, enabling teens to connect socially with
“friends” all over the world, the question is, does that fulfill this basic
human need? We can crowdsource ride shares, overnight accommodations and
fund-raising, but can we fulfill our need for connection online? Teens can
easily collect “friends,” join online groups and continually share their
opinions and whereabouts to get approval through likes, comments and
retweets. No generation has been as “connected” as today’s teenagers. So
why are anxiety, depression and suicide increasing at such alarming rates
within this age group?
It appears that as “social” as these apps are deemed to be, their positive
effects may be fleeting, and they can actually be isolating and defeating
to adolescents. Genuine social connection can’t typically be achieved
through a number of likes or views on a post. “Being liked or followed on
social media is a clear sign that someone is with you, but it doesn’t mean
that someone is your close friend or values you as a human being,” says Dr.
Rachel Singer, psychologist at the Center for Anxiety and Behavioral Change
in Rockville, Md.
Instead of using social media to truly connect with one another, teens are
actually seeking reassurance. “We waste inordinate amounts of time
primping, arranging and posing for our latest Instagram pictures because we
want to matter. We want to feel important, valued, noticed, talked about
and relevant,” writes author John P. Weiss. But that’s not what ends up
happening, observes Dr. Singer. “Teens post something to see the number of
likes, retweets, etc., and if not immediately granted or not reaching the
level they are seeking, it can create a negative self-evaluation,” she
says. “It’s like trying to fill a pasta strainer with water – no matter how
much goes into it, it will never fill up.”
Adolescence is already a time of tremendous ego involvement. Teenagers are
constantly comparing themselves with classmates in terms of grades,
popularity, looks, etc. Social media exacerbates this egocentric period,
bringing out the worst in teens’ insecurities. “Before social media, you
could have a break from the scrutiny and judgment of peers when you left
school; now it follows teens home,” Singer says.
While not all social media use is “bad,” it is yet another area in life in
which teens need to strike a balance. Research results published in the
November 2018 Journal Of Social And Clinical Psychology by the University
of Pennsylvania reports that reducing time spent on social media platforms
such as Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram may help improve well-being.
“Using less social media than you normally would leads to significant
decreases in both depression and loneliness,” states the study’s co-author
Melissa G. Hunt. “These effects are particularly pronounced for folks who
were more depressed when they came into the study.”
How can parents help teens achieve this healthy social media balance? Here
are five productive steps you can take:
- Talk with them about the realities of social media.
Most social media feeds depict users’ highlight reels, not their
real lives. Make sure your teen is aware of the effect these
highlight reels have on her sense of self. Ask what she likes and
doesn’t like about the apps she uses, and encourage her to note how
she feels before and after each use. Discuss how some celebrities
have spent time “off the grid” because of social media run amok and
what your teen believes is a healthy amount of use. - Limit screen time.
Excessive technology use has been linked to poor mental health
outcomes, meaning parents do need to set healthy limits. Teens will
be more likely to follow limits that they help establish, but they
should not determine whether there will be limits or if and when limits will be enforced. Consider starting by
setting technology-free zones (bedroom, short car rides) and time
periods (meal times or one hour before bedtime). “Teens do value
structure and as parents we need to think long-term about the
benefits of maintaining limits,” Singer says. Ideally, experts
suggest that parents model healthy online behavior by following
these limits themselves as much as possible. “When you’re not busy
getting sucked into clickbait social media, you’re actually
spending more time on things that are more likely to make you feel
better about your life,” says Hunt.
Increase opportunities for face-to-face (or at least
voice-to-voice) interaction.
Yes, go Old School. Even when it would be easier to send a text,
email or post, make it a family value to communicate without
technology as much as possible. Also be sure to schedule fun family
and individual activities that are technology-free.
Help teens identify alternative sources of positive information
about themselves that are not linked to the Internet
. Singer suggests teens find activities in which they have some
mastery and can develop friendships through shared interests.
Whether it’s through an activity or developing a new skill, teens
need to see themselves as capable and valued in other aspects of
their lives. “Teaching them the life skill of valuing themselves is
a lifelong gift they can use every day,” she says.- Learn the power of encouragement over praise
. Parents can be one of those alternative sources of positive
information by using the language of encouragement. When we praise
our teens with such comments as “Wow, you’re so smart!” or “Don’t
you look beautiful,” our words often fall flat as our teens think
that we have to say those things as their parents. But offering
specific observations – not judgments – about their behavior and
not about the outcome can be harder for teens to write off. “You
seemed to put in a lot of extra time studying for that test and it
seemed to pay off, what do you think?” Asking them to think about
times when they did something they were proud of, rather than we
telling them ourselves, helps them internalize that encouraging
voice.
Resources
- www.screenagersmovie.com
– sign up for its Tech Talk Tuesday emails - SmartSocial.com
- PEPparent.org
for more insight on the language of encouragement
