Parents want their children to be happy. But happiness alone isn’t enough to prepare children for real life. Eventually, every child faces disappointment, frustration, failure, conflict and unexpected change. The goal isn’t to remove those experiences — it’s to help children develop the confidence and skills to work through them.
Researchers often describe these abilities as resilience: the capacity to adapt, recover and continue moving forward after setbacks. Fortunately, resilience is not a personality trait that children either have or don’t have. It is a skill that can be developed through practice and supportive relationships.
The physician and psychiatrist Alfred Adler believed that children thrive when they feel capable, connected and encouraged. His protégé, Rudolf Dreikurs, expanded on this idea, teaching that mistakes and challenges are valuable opportunities for learning, rather than signs of failure. When adults respond to difficulties with encouragement instead of rescue, children gradually learn, “I can handle hard things.”
Why resilience matters
Research continues to show that resilient children are better equipped to manage stress, build healthy relationships, solve problems and adapt to change throughout life.
Parents often feel pressure to shield children from discomfort. But while support matters, removing every obstacle can unintentionally suggest they are unable to handle challenges on their own.
Instead, resilience develops when children encounter manageable difficulties and receive guidance as they work through them. The good news is that everyday family interactions provide countless opportunities to strengthen resilience. Here are some practical ways parents can help:
Listen before solving
Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child emphasizes that supportive adult relationships are one of the strongest protective factors in building resilience. When children share a problem, resist the urge to immediately fix it. Listening helps children feel understood and encourages them to think through solutions.
- Ask: “What do you think might help?”
- Reflect feelings before offering advice.
- Focus on understanding rather than correcting.
Use encouragement instead of praise
Adlerian parenting emphasizes encouragement over evaluation. Rather than focusing solely on outcomes, acknowledge effort, persistence, improvement and courage. Examples:
- “You kept trying even when it was difficult.”
- “You found another way to solve the problem.”
- “That took persistence.”
Allow age-appropriate independence
According to the Child Mind Institute, children build confidence by making decisions and experiencing the results, even if it’s the wrong decision.
- Let young children choose between acceptable options.
- Encourage school-age children to solve minor conflicts.
- Involve teens in planning, budgeting and decision-making.
Teach healthy coping skills
The American Psychological Association offers guidance on resilience and coping skills for children and families. Children need practical tools for handling stress. Helpful strategies include:
- Deep breathing
- Physical activity
- Journaling
- Mindfulness exercises
- Creative hobbies
Normalize mistakes
Many children become discouraged because they believe mistakes are signs of inadequacy. Mistakes are essential to learning. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset demonstrates how viewing mistakes as development opportunities promotes resilience and persistence. So, when something goes wrong – and it will – do the following:
- Discuss what was learned.
- Explore alternative solutions.
- Focus on progress rather than perfection.
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Strengthen connections
Resilient children rarely develop resilience alone. Strong relationships with family members, teachers, coaches and friends provide emotional support and perspective during difficult times. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention identifies connectedness as a powerful protective factor for youth well-being.
Prioritize physical well-being
The ability to be more resilient is closely connected to physical health, regardless of whether you are a parent or a child. Support resilience by encouraging:
Growth happens gradually
A common misconception is that resilience develops quickly. It builds gradually through repeated experiences over time.
A child who learns to handle a forgotten homework assignment may later be better prepared for academic setbacks. A child who navigates friendship conflicts may eventually handle workplace challenges more effectively. Small struggles become practice opportunities for larger ones.
The key is finding the balance between support and independence. Children need adults who are available, encouraging and confident in their children’s abilities — not adults who remove every obstacle from their path.
As Alfred Adler taught, courage grows when children experience themselves as capable contributors to their world. By providing encouragement, opportunities for problem-solving and room to learn from mistakes, parents help children build a lasting belief in their own ability to face life’s challenges.
That belief may be one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
More parenting support from Washington Parent
Building resilience is one piece of a larger picture. If worry is showing up more often than it should, our conversation on how to help your anxious child offers practical guidance from psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen. For younger kids still learning to name what they feel, read our look at helping little kids cope with big feelings. When a specific fear takes hold, our guide to overcoming childhood fears covers what to say and when to call the pediatrician. And if your child tends to hang back before joining in, our advice for parenting introverted children makes the case that caution is temperament, not fragility.
Lynne Ticknor is the Director of Education at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Md. She is a certified parent educator and has been teaching parenting classes since 2006. For more information about classes, visit PEPparent.org.
