While holing up at home to avoid the Coronavirus, many families are coming
down with a bad case of cabin fever. The closing of schools, restaurants
and public amenities such as the zoo and library have wiped out accustomed
opportunities to get out of the house for a change of scenery. The
necessity for social distancing has put the kibosh on playdates and teen
get-togethers. The uncertainty of the situation creates anxiety not only
for children, but for their parents.
In response to a flood of questions, the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP)
in Kensington, Maryland is offering parents tools and strategies through
webinars and online workshops at pepparent.org. Here are a few of PEP’s
tips for parenting through these uncertain times.
Stress-busting
You’ve heard the old British motto: Keep Calm and Carry On. Paige Trevor, a
PEP-certified Parent Educator, agrees that the most effective first step
for parents is to calm their own anxieties. Kids pick up on their parents’
moods, and a calm parent is more likely to have a calm child. Keeping a lid
on anxiety also improves our ability to remain patient and understanding
under pressure. As Paige puts it, parents need to become “beanbag chairs of
empathy.” We don’t need to have the solutions – just the time and attention
to listen to and acknowledge our kids’ feelings. Giving them a chance to
vent will take their emotional temperature down a few notches.
When you sense that tension is on the rise, it can be fun to practice
calming exercises together. Young kids can learn to “smell the flowers”
(take a deep breath) and then blow out the candles (exhale deeply). Older
kids can practice square breathing: gently inhaling through the nose to a
slow count of 4; holding the breath for a count of 4; exhaling through the
mouth for a count of 4; then holding the breath for a count of 4.
Without realizing it, we are all carrying tension in our bodies, so it’s
helpful to teach kids to take a few moments each day to consciously tense
and release their muscles. Try making a game of it – contorting your facial
features into fierce expressions by clenching every muscle, holding for a
few seconds and then releasing with a loud “lion’s roar” exhale. Do the
same with the muscles of your body.
Exercise is a sure-fire stress-buster, so put your school-age children in
charge of finding an online exercise class they would be willing to try
with you. Setting family fitness goals can also be a great way to make good
on deferred New Years’ resolutions. Making progress toward goals will also
boost everyone’s mood. Each family member can create his or her own goals
and track them on a calendar or chart posted on the refrigerator.
Be sure to make time for family fun. Throw an impromptu, 10-minute crazy
dance party, or a (gentle) pillow fight. Sit outside and look at the clouds
or listen to the birds together. Host a mike-free karaoke singalong with a
cooking spoon.
Connecting with friends
Without the opportunity for in-person get-togethers, kids of all ages will
miss their friends – and that goes for adults, too! Encourage your teen or
tween to group-watch a movie with a friend, read chapters from the same
book or graphic novel and then get together for an online discussion, or do
a doodle exchange. For younger kids, you can set up virtual playdates on a
daily basis using an online app (such as Skype, Zoom or Facetime).
Encourage them to draw or build Legos “together” or have their dolls or
mini-figures “talk” to each other through the screen.
Parents can take good care of themselves by scheduling periodic calls with
friends and family – especially those who make you laugh. Use the internet
to socialize with people you know and love, rather than to anxiously scroll
through pandemic news.
Create a new routine
It may seem counterintuitive, but the days will pass more pleasantly if
everyone sticks to a flexible routine – even if you end up changing it
every few days. Make some time for engaging playfully with your kids, some
time for working on useful chores with them and some time to be free from
them. Our nervous systems respond well to order, so in an uncertain time
like this, it is especially helpful to stick to a reasonably orderly
schedule for waking up, eating meals, doing work, playing with kids,
getting physical exercise, having quiet time and so on.
To maximize buy-in from your kids, involve them in making the schedule. Not
only will they know what to expect ahead of time (which will provide a
calming sense of order and normalcy), but it will improve their willingness
to cooperate. Let them know that you will reassess the schedule together in
two or three days and readjust as necessary.
Screen time is likely to become a bone of contention in most families, and
adults as well as children need to be mindful of keeping it within
reasonable bounds. Sit down with your kids and admit that you, along with
everyone else in the family, need to set limits in this area and work out a
compromise about what a reasonable amount of time would be. Put your child
in charge of posting reminders on everyone’s screen and thank them for
being so helpful.
But what about
little
kids – what can they
do
?
Keeping younger kids happy and occupied all day long requires planning,
flexibility and thinking outside the box. Pre-school age children are
always interested in learning to do new things -like peeling an orange,
scrambling an egg, separating laundry or loading and unloading the
dishwasher. Take some time to train them in how to do one or two simple
household tasks as a way of spending quality time together, rather than as
a means of getting work done. It will be several more years before they
master these skills, so aim to be positive rather than picky, and expect
them to lose interest quickly at first.
Household appliances hold a particular fascination, so they may be excited
to learn how to maneuver a vacuum cleaner, use the blender or load and
operate the dishwasher. Young children also love spray bottles, so cleaning
cabinets and countertops is fun -not work. You can use a child-friendly
commercial product or fill a bottle with water and instruct them in
spraying and wiping away messes. When they’re finished, be sure to notice
the pleasure of the process, as well as the end product. “Wow – that was
fun, and look how shiny you made the floor/countertops!” Experiencing
household tasks as a fun way of “playing” with a parent will encourage kids
to stick with a task for longer and longer periods of time until they
eventually master it.
Water play is a natural de-stressor. Fill a sink or large tub with soapy
water and arm your child with culinary tools such as a whisk, turkey
baster, sieve or measuring cups so that he or she can “cook.” Provide a
sponge, scrubber or bottle brush and turn the chore of washing dishes into
a game. Fish some plastic bottles out of the recycling bin and let your
children practice their motor skills by filling, pouring, squeezing,
squirting and shaking the foamy water into the sink. Add food coloring or
water-soluble paint and create a science experiment. Hand your child a
washcloth and declare bath time for action figures and dolls. Don’t worry
if some of this exuberant water play spills onto the floor. Kids will be
happy to go with the flow, sopping up the water with rags, paper towels or
a mop. For even more fun, kids can become human mops with oversized
athletic socks on their feet and hands and T-shirts over their clothes.
When it’s time to stop, open the door to future experimentation. “That was
fun. Let’s do it again soon.”
The concentrated attention kids receive through these one-on-one activities
will strengthen your relationship with them and lead to better cooperation
and cheerfulness throughout the day. After engaging closely with a parent,
they are more likely to comply when you need time to yourself, or when the
routine chart says everyone needs to take a break for Family Quiet Time.
