When your kid shirks social interaction, hiding behind your legs at the
playground or hugging the wall at a birthday party, it’s easy to assign a
label: “shy.” But a socially withdrawn child might not be shy at all – he
may simply be an introvert, he may be in the throes of normal separation
anxiety or, in rare cases, he might have a social phobia.
However, don’t be too quick to assign that label either. According to the
National Institutes of Mental Health, true social phobia involves an
intense fear of being watched, judged or humiliated and interferes with the
ability to form relationships. This condition is relatively rare, appearing
in about five percent of teens around age 13. But many more children and
teens display traits of shyness, or mild social anxiety, including feeling
uneasy at social events, avoiding eye contact and retreating to solitude at
the earliest opportunity. If these behaviors sound familiar, read on for
ways to help your quiet child thrive.
EARLY YEARS 0-5 : Cool Comfort
“It’s normal, even healthy, for babies and toddlers to experience some
separation anxiety when they’re away from their primary caregiver,
particularly from around 8 months to age 3. But what about children who
display distress even when they’re not separated from a primary caregiver,
such as clinging to a parent’s arm, crying or withdrawing when introduced
to a new playgroup? These children may be slow to warm up,” says
psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, co-author of “Growing
Friendships: A Kid’s Guide to Making and Keeping Friends” (2017).
“Slow-to-warm-up temperament is a style of relating that’s not necessarily
problematic,” she says. “While some kids crave variety and leap into new
situations, other kids have a more cautious style. They like to observe and
get the lay of the land before they jump in. Again, these kids aren’t
necessarily shy or socially anxious.” If you have a slow-to-warm-up child,
give him ample time to adjust to each new social environment – for example,
arrive 15 minutes early to toddler gym and introduce your child to the
instructor beforehand. When selecting classes or activities, choose ones
that allow your child to remain by your side (or on your lap) while he
warms to a new social group.
ELEMENTARY YEARS 6-12 : Label Game
“Even if your child seems undeniably shy, using that term might be a bad
idea,” says Kennedy-Moore. “Be careful about labeling your child as ‘shy’
because that implies this is an unalterable part of who she is. Instead,
you can say things like, ‘You prefer … ‘ or ‘You’re more comfortable
doing … ‘ These phrases acknowledge your child’s feelings, but also
leave room for your child to grow and change.”
Though you don’t want to force a distressed child to socialize, there are
times when you may want to coach him to encourage smoother social sailing.
Socially hesitant children may dread certain social scenarios, such as the
first day of school or a birthday party, because they fear the unexpected.
Take some surprise out of feared encounters by talking through each aspect
of the encounter in advance. For example, discuss what your child will do
when she boards the bus for school (greet the driver, search for friends on
board, then take a seat) or arrives at the party (hang up your coat, put
the gift on the gift table and greet the birthday kid). Role play through
especially stressful scenarios to help your child gain confidence and learn
to cope with social stressors.
TEEN YEARS 13-18 : Social Scripts
“Peer acceptance is paramount during the teen years, making social
interaction even more worrisome for quieter, less gregarious teens. For
teens who have trouble meeting friends and joining groups, encourage
purpose-driven tasks organized around an activity,” says family coach Kate
Paquin of Apex, North Carolina. “When the group has a clear purpose and
assigned duties to complete, social interactions are less intimidating and
forced, and real friendships can blossom,” she notes. Think teen volunteer
groups, youth groups, coding/gaming clubs or art/music classes. If
lunchtime is torturous for your quiet teen, check with her school’s
counseling department about organized lunch groups. Alternatively, see if
she can use lunch as a quiet study period.
“Theater or drama may come especially natural to quieter teens,” says
Kennedy-Moore. “Surprisingly, many shy children enjoy acting. Having a
script to work with lets them try out different ways of being around others
and makes them less self-conscious.”
