Getting kids out the door in the morning and into bed at night, getting
them to eat what’s on their plates and brush their teeth afterwards,
curbing whining and tantrums – all these things can feel like epic
struggles for today’s parents. What are we doing wrong? Certified Parent
Educator and award-winning journalist Katherine Reynolds Lewis spent five
years studying the latest scientific research on children’s behavior for
her recently published book, “The Good News about Bad Behavior: Why Kids
Are Less Disciplined Than Ever – And What To Do About It.” The
following article is adapted from a recent online book club with Lewis,
organized by the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington, Maryland.
Q:
It feels like raising kids today is more difficult than it was in
the past. What has changed?
A: Children’s ability to self-regulate is not what it used to be. It’s hard
to prove why. We don’t have a time machine, but we can look at big societal
changes that correlate with kids’ problems with self-regulation. For
example, the way children play has changed. They used to have more outdoor,
unstructured play without the presence of adults. If they were having fun
playing a game and wanted to stay in it, they were motivated to control
their behavior and impulses. They learned cooperation. They learned
abstract thinking – for example, mud could become a pie.
Kids today are supervised from the moment they’re born until they head off
to college, from morning to night. They are always with someone whose job
it is to keep them safe and free from conflict. They are no longer
permitted to take small, everyday risks – to tumble and hurt a knee. They
have little experience resolving conflict with buddies through trial and
error because there is always a parent or teacher to sort out the dispute.
Children need the rough and tumble play in order to learn how to get along
with others. This applies to sibling rivalry, too.
Engaging in roughhousing and physical play with someone they trust can be
an inoculation against fear. Early risks and tumbles really help kids face
their fears in small doses. Let them come to you for comfort when they need
reassurance in new situations. They’ll be ready to move on if we wait till
they’re ready and avoid pushing them.
Q:
Why is it so hard to get kids to cooperate – for example, to get
out the door in the morning or to go to sleep at night?
For kids to learn self-control, parents must stop trying to control them.
Whenever we remind, nag and boss them, kids get distracted from the task at
hand and they kind of enjoy the back and forth with us. The key is to keep
children in charge of themselves. One of the most effective techniques is
to brainstorm – at another time – about what has to
happen to get out the door in the morning or to bed at night, and then hand
over the responsibility to them. You could work with them to make a chart
of the steps involved, with pictures that they color or photographs of them
carrying out each task. And then you only have to point to the chart
without a lot of discussion.
Q: What about using rewards to motivate kids?
Rewards can sometimes work in the short term, but over time they have the
counterproductive effect of discouraging the behavior you are trying to
create because they signal that this is something you wouldn’t do unless
you were rewarded. Research shows that people rate a new yogurt drink as
less enjoyable if they are given a reward for drinking it. Instead, we need
to do what we can to help kids discover the intrinsic joy and pleasure of
the activity itself.
Q:
What can parents do to help kids regulate their moods and behavior?
Through the course of our parenting journey, we have to be broadening the
circle of their independence and shrinking what we are in charge of. Rather
than try to control them, we need to control our own response. Sometimes
when we change that one thing, it changes the whole dynamic and takes away
a lot of the problems we are experiencing. Our focus needs to be on
building connection, communication and capability.
In terms of connection, we can help by being physically present. When we’re
physically near our kids, when we touch them or give them bear hugs, it
helps them regulate. Heartbeats and breathing start to synchronize when
kids are near their parents. When children are having temper tantrums, they
calm down when parents are close by. “Special Time” (child-directed play
with one totally engaged parent) is the cure-all for many problems. There
may be other things they are wrestling with and poor behavior is the
symptom.
Communication improves when we state our messages in positive terms, using
encouraging language and providing information kids can use. Sometimes it’s
like we’re predicting doom for our kids when we say things like “If you run
on a slippery sidewalk, you’ll slip and fall.” Instead, we can provide
information in positive terms. “When you walk carefully on the slippery
sidewalk, you’ll stay on your feet.” We have to manage our fears for them –
otherwise we show that we have no faith in them. Instead of issuing orders,
we can give kids opportunities to take charge of problem solving. For
example, rather than “Pick up your backpack,” we can say “I see a backpack
on the floor.” Or use humor to create a funny situation. Give your child a
note from the backpack saying, “I’m tired of lying on floor, please hang me
up.” Ask your child curiosity questions about things they are interested in
or about how they handled a difficult situation. All these things will feed
their sense of competence and worth, as well as build their critical
thinking and problem-solving skills.
We can also build children’s sense of capability by giving them
opportunities to contribute to the family. Most kids have a lot of
homework, but no afterschool jobs or chores around the house to give them a
sense that they are worth something beyond their achievements. Invite kids
to help with tasks they are willing to do that are slightly above their
skill level – such as digging in the dirt while gardening or cutting
something in the kitchen with a sharp blade. Otherwise, it’s boring.
Q:
What was the most surprising thing you learned in researching and
writing the book?
I was pleasantly surprised by some of the research on the parent-child
connection and how powerful that is. We have more influence than we realize
as parents. It sometimes feels like we are powerless, but we can have a big
impact. That’s good news!
