I met a mom recently whose two kids are as different as night and day. Her
daughter Isabella is a perfectionist. She constantly frets that her
schoolwork isn’t good enough and stays up well past midnight revising her
assignments. Her brother Aiden is the opposite. He’s barely scraping by in
school and doesn’t seem to care. “He needs to learn to step up,
and she needs to learn to relax,” their mother told me. “But how do I teach
them to do that?”
Every child is born with a unique personality. Even siblings in the same
family can have very different approaches to work and relaxation. Some
children are like Isabella. They set unrealistically high personal
standards and push themselves to do whatever it takes to be “the best,”
even though they often feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Other children are
like Aiden. They cruise through school at an easy pace, doing a minimal
amount of work and focusing on fun. For kids like Aiden, avoiding stress
and hassles is their top priority in life, even at the cost of wasting
their talent and accomplishing very little.
As their mother is noticing, both children have yet to learn how to strike
a reasonable, productive and happy balance between work and
relaxation. Helping children learn to find this balance isn’t just a matter
of teaching better work habits. It also means encouraging children to be
less afraid and more courageous about dealing with success and failure.
Aiden, for example, needs to develop courage to help him get past his fear
of failing and “looking bad.” Right now, he feels more anxious the closer
he gets to completing his work and turning it in for grading. Fearing the
shame of getting a poor grade means that he’d rather not finish or turn in
his work at all. It also means hiding those feelings from his teachers and
parents. Courageous kids do not like mistakes or poor grades either, but
when they are disappointed, they keep going. They learn from their mistakes
and continue learning to improve without becoming scared, getting upset or
just giving up.
Kids like Isabella also need to learn to approach their work more
courageously. In her own way, Isabella is just as afraid of “not being good
enough” as her brother, which is why she drives herself to be “perfect.”
Her fears compel her to work nonstop because she, too, dreads the shame she
might feel for a less-than-perfect score. Braver children are able to find
the courage to set and work toward reasonable goals. They like success as
much as anyone, yet they also have the courage to say to themselves, “This
does not have to be perfect. It’s good enough.”
If it seems that your children are unduly afraid of “not being good
enough,” here are some suggestions of how to help lessen their fears and
grow their courage:
- Notice and appreciate the many little improvements your children make, recognizing that most change happens very slowly.
- “I heard you say, ‘It doesn’t have to be perfect,’ about your essay tonight. You are making progress!” (said to a child who is still editing her essay)
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- “I noticed you finished your math sheet tonight. I can imagine you’ll do well in class tomorrow.” (said to a child playing video games)
- No one likes mistakes, but we can encourage children to feel more courageous by how we respond to their mistakes.
- “You forgot your book in your locker. Well, mistakes happen despite our best intentions sometimes.”
(said compassionately, with a friendly look) -
- “You left your sandwich here and the cat took a bite – I’m guessing you’ll remember this and not leave your sandwich out next time!”
(said kindly, with a smile) - We can even teach our children to deal more positively with their fear of failure by responding more positively to our own mistakes.
- “Oh, darn, I forgot to return this library book on time! Oh well, I guess that just shows that I’m human!”
- Notice and appreciate when your children complain of being tired all the time or not getting good grades like other kids:
- “It sounds like you would like to feel more rested. Maybe you’re ready to start giving yourself permission to sleep more?”
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- “It sounds like you want better grades for yourself … maybe you’re ready to start working for better grades?”
- Encourage your children to set reasonable, realistic goals for themselves. Instead of focusing on the grade, encourage them to focus on what they want to learn to do better.
- “What would you like to improve in your essay writing? Is it the ideas or your vocabulary or something else?”
- Encourage your children to set their own goals for improving their grades. Small steps for improvement are usually achievable and help children steadily build their confidence.
- “Most kids improve their grades a little bit at a time. Would you like to change that C- to a C?”
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- “It takes practice to learn to become more comfortable with this ‘not being perfect’ thing. Would you like to start by giving yourself a reasonable limit for how long you’ll study for your test?”
- Encourage your children to be fair to themselves.
- “High school can be a fun time for kids. Do you feel like you are getting your fair share of fun this year? Would it be okay to give yourself some more fun sometimes?”
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- “It feels good to learn more and do well in school. Would you like to have more success for yourself?”
- Encourage your children to challenge themselves.
- “Do you imagine that you can be a pretty good judge of what’s ‘good enough’?”
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- “What are the grades that you would be proud to see on your report card?”
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- “What would you be willing to do to move in a better direction?”
Whether it’s coping with schoolwork or facing other challenging life tasks,
parents can help children by teaching that it’s OK to make mistakes. By
reducing their fear of failure, we can help them develop the courage to
take the risks necessary for learning and improvement.
