Dr. Michele Borba is the author of over 20 parenting books, including
“Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World,”
described as “a game-changing guide showing why nurturing empathy in our
children isn’t optional – it’s essential.” Based in Palm Springs,
California, Dr. Borba will present a webinar as part of the Parent
Encouragement Program’s Noted Author Series on Tuesday, May 5, 2020, 8-9:30
p.m.
(pepparentonline.org/p/michele_borba).
In this interview, she speaks with Katherine Reynolds Lewis about the value
of cultivating empathy in our children.
Q: Why is empathy more important than math facts, soccer skills, violin
lessons or any of the other things we want our children to learn to be
high-achieving and successful?
Borba: Empathy is the secret sauce that is going to help your child achieve
and be a peak performer, but it’s the ingredient we’re overlooking. Without
empathy, you have a child who’s burned out. Empathy creates more engaged,
deep learners. Harvard University says it’s the top employability skill. It
helps with mental health. It creates relationships that gel.
By encouraging empathy, parents are giving their children what they really
need to thrive in life – everything you want for your child – and it
doesn’t cost a dime. It’s not one more program, it’s not an app and you
don’t need to hire a tutor. You just find simple, science-backed ways to
weave empathy-building into your natural parenting.
Q: How can parents cultivate empathy?
Borba: There’s no right or wrong method, but it starts with the single,
greatest thing we can do as a parent: be empathetic with our kids. The best
way to teach empathy is to show it, not tell it. What our children are
craving right now are good role models. Think: “How can I show my child
empathy today? If my child had only my behavior to watch, what will he have
caught?” Be sure to:
- Keep reading to your child. Research has shown that literary
fiction, books like “Bambi” and “Charlotte’s Web,” activate the
part of the brain where empathy lives. Kids need to step into
others’ shoes. Make sure you expose your child to books that are
diverse and meaningful. - Expose them to differences. Our kids are living in a global,
diverse world. Take them to museums and restaurants that reflect
that diversity. Show them movies representing different
perspectives. - Keep doing the mindfulness exercises the school is doing. Empathy
requires a child to dial down their stress. Find opportunities to
take deep, slow breaths or do mindfulness training or go out and
shoot baskets.
Q: Can you talk about the empathy gender gap?
Borba: As the mother of three boys, I will tell you we do a far better job
with our daughters when it comes to empathy. Researchers looking through
two-way mirrors see that we talk feelings far more with our daughters than
with our sons. There’s already a pink-blue divide by 5 years of age.
Feelings are the gateway to empathy. Talk feelings more with boys – not
just at 6 o’clock, but naturally, throughout the day. Do a feelings watch
when you go to the mall: “Let’s find someone who looks happy.” “She’s
sounding really stressed.”
Q: How do we parents develop our own empathy, especially if our
children are being difficult or annoying?
Borba: You can always stretch empathy at any age. It looks like we’re
better at it in middle age. The first step is intentionality, being more
conscious of it as a parent. The best way for you to learn empathy yourself
is to teach it to your child. Empathy is a muscle.
Agree on a time-out signal to use when emotions are running high. You can
give it to your child or she can give it to you, and then each of you will
take a break for a minute until you feel calmer. It’s an important thing
for a parent to model, walking away until you’re calm. You’re demonstrating
what calmness looks like. If you don’t do that, you can’t reach your child
because you’re in a stressed-out moment yourself. When you feel calm, an
easy beginning stage is to name the emotion. Help your child find the word.
This means tuning into what the child is really feeling. You may think he’s
stressed, but he says, “I’m excited.”
Q: What are the common barriers to empathy?
Borba: Several things are going on. First, there has been a seismic shift
with macro changes to childhood. The sandbox used to be a natural place for
empathy: your turn, and then my turn.
But play has been removed from our kids’ lives. Second is books. Literary
fiction. Our children are reading far less for pleasure. Third, they’re
looking down; they’re not looking up. They’re plugged in; they’re digital
natives. You don’t learn emotions from emojis; you learn them from
someone’s face. And emotional literacy is the gateway to empathy.
Gratuitous violence, scary news – it’s part of our children’s lives. If you
only see the bad stuff, you see the world as a scary place. Check their
optimism levels and expose them to the good stuff in the world. Those
images can elevate a child’s heart so they see the world as a good place.
Another barrier is that we’re busy. We’re so stressed. We rob kids of the
glorious moments to have empathy. Keep a box by your back door that’s just
a charity box filed with gently used toys or books. Take the box to a needy
family together. Every kid I interviewed said, “What was transformational
was the moment I gave the charity box.”
Last, we’re always about GPA and resume-building and we don’t acknowledge
our kids for goodness traits. Kids only hear messages about the importance
of grades and scores, not about being good, caring people.
Q: What are parents surprised by with regard to empathy?
Borba: Parents are shocked that it can be cultivated. They think it’s
locked into the genetic code. It’s never too late to build empathy. They’ll
say, “My kid is 16” or “He’s already off in college.” Take a moment to look
at what’s impeding your child’s empathy, and change one thing. It starts
with us, not the kid. Find simple ways to weave it into your family, little
routines or rituals that become a habit in your family.
Empathy takes different forms. There’s affective empathy, where you get
teary-eyed and sad when watching “Bambi.” There is cognitive empathy – more
serious and perspective-taking. And there’s empathic concern, where the kid
wants to do something about a situation. Just because your child doesn’t
display all three kinds of empathy doesn’t mean he or she is a lost cause.
Q: Can you briefly touch on the nine habits of empathy?
Borba: When I combed 10 years of research, I realized that empathy is made
up of competencies. It starts with emotional literacy, the gateway to
empathy. That starts at about an hour of age. The second is moral identity.
You start acknowledging kindness and caring. Third is perspective-taking,
which develops around 8 years of age. It’s stepping into the other person’s
shoes, seeing things from their perspective. What do you think he feels?
What do you think he needs?
The fourth competency is moral imagination: reading books that are
emotionally charged because they access the part of the brain where
compassion is found. Fifth is self-regulation: learning stress-regulation
tools closes the empathy gap. Sixth, practicing kindness. Empathy is
stretchable, and the more you practice kindness, the more your mindset will
change.
Collaboration is the seventh competency. Moving to a “We” world, not a “Me”
world. Parents can help here. Cheer the team and not just your kid. Stress
team-building and how you play together. Then comes moral courage, helping
kids step in and speak out. Nine is altruism – the kid who wants to be the
change-maker, not win the Nobel Prize.
