Eight-year-old Maya begs to stay up later because she wants to watch TV or
play a game. Her mother, Isabel, often gives in because she thinks her own
parents were too strict, and she wants to be a different kind of parent.
Maya often gets cranky and sleepy during the day, and cajoling her leads to
frustration and power struggles. Eventually Isabel loses her cool and yells
angrily, “Go to bed!”
Nathan, age ten, is made to go to bed every night at the same time. His
parents are very strict and don’t let him read in bed, even though Nathan
finds that makes him sleepy. His parents say they know best, and if they
catch him with a light on in his room after bedtime, he will lose his
screen time the next day. There are frequent power struggles in Nathan’s
house, too. At times, his parents throw up their hands and say, “Fine –
stay up as long as you want, we’re tired of fighting.”
Pendulum Parenting
When we choose the permissive style of parenting, similar to
Isabel’s, things seem to go well – until they don’t. Then parents swing in
the opposite direction, becoming authoritarian, because nothing seems to
happen until they show that they “mean business.”
When we choose an authoritarian style of parenting, like Nate’s
parents, we eventually throw up our hands and swing toward permissiveness,
because being an authoritarian parent is exhausting and it’s not much fun
either.
Both of these scenarios are examples of “pendulum parenting.” When we cling
to one of these styles, we inevitably end up going to the other extreme,
either because we doubt our approach or because it causes too much hardship
to maintain. In some families, this pendulum can be seen within a set of
parents, with one tending to be more permissive and the other more
authoritarian.
Democratic Parenting
There is a third style known as “democratic parenting.” Rather than the
parent running the show (authoritarian) or the child steering the family
(permissive), democratic households are based on respect for both the parent
and the child. This style represents a consistent path forward, rather than
inconsistent swinging from side to side.
The mutually respectful, democratic approach offers what Dr. Betty Lou
Bettner and Amy Lew (authors of “Raising Kids Who Can“) call “The Crucial
C’s.” The Crucial C’s include a sense of Connection, feeling Capable,
having Courage and feeling like they Count. Every child craves the
Crucial C’s.
Promote Connection
Two tools that help parents foster connection are Special Time and Family
Meetings. Special Time is one-on-one time spent with one parent and one
child. The child chooses the activity and the parent is invited into the
child’s world. Phones and electronic devices are put away during this time
so that parents can focus exclusively on the child and the activity.
Special Time does not cost any money and can be spent playing a board game
or make-believe, or tossing a Frisbee outside. Special Time has a beginning
and an ending time and is scheduled in advance and put on the calendar. It
is never taken away as punishment.
Family Meetings are another way to foster connection. Children are
introduced to the democratic process as they choose weekly Family Fun by
consensus. Each family member has a voice, and roles such as chairperson
and secretary are rotated weekly. Upcoming events are highlighted when
calendars are reviewed and allowances are distributed. The Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP) offers programs designed to help parents
implement both of these useful tools to foster connection.
Help Your Child Feel Capable and Courageous
Parents can help children feel capable by taking time to teach them how to
do tasks around the house. When young children know how to dress themselves
and prepare their own snacks, they feel proud. When older children know how
to contribute to the family by preparing a meal, organizing a closet or
fixing a squeaky door, they feel confident and courageous.
Our children need encouragement. Help them build on strengths by “catching”
them doing the right thing. When a parent says, “I noticed you helped your
little cousin put his coat on,” a child knows his mom or dad appreciates
his help. Saying, “I see you used a lot of bright colors in your picture”
lets a child know his parent is looking carefully at his artwork and means
more than a generic comment such as “Awesome picture.”
With encouragement, children will be ready to face life’s challenges.
Let Your Child Know They Count
By making Special Time and Family Meetings part of the family routine, your
child receives the message that they are worthy of your time and that they have
a voice in family life. Knowing their importance in the family lets them know
they count and gives them a sense of belonging. When they are capable of
taking care of their own needs and capable of contributing to their family and
to their community, they will feel confident in many situations, which also
will contribute to their sense of belonging.
When we keep these needs of children in mind, it’s easier to stay on course
with the democratic model of parenting. We witness our children being able
to connect, feel capable and courageous and experience a true sense of
belonging. When children receive the “Crucial Cs,” they are less likely to
act out and misbehave because they are getting what they need. This helps
keep everyone in the family moving forward together, rather than swinging
in opposite directions.
Originally published: 10-01-17
Updated: 10-12-22
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