Mom. Dad. Parent. Caregiver. Once you assume care for a child, these terms will be hurled your way. Your name becomes insignificant (and usually forgotten) and you can just insert your child’s name. My name is Kristi but for many, I am greeted with “Hey! Harper’s Mom.” After hearing this for so long, I simply smile and continue the conversation.
I thought that being addressed by your child’s name largely and almost exclusively happened to women, but a recent interaction proved me wrong. I was having lunch with a colleague and as we left the restaurant, my friend saw someone he knew. His friend said to him, “Hi, Parker’s Dad.” I had never seen a dad’s identity reduced to that of his child’s name. This exchange ignited my interest in exploring the notion of identity and parenthood.
As I conducted research for this article, most of what I found was written based on the premise that only women experience a loss of identity when they become parents. Most articles had titles like, “Keeping Your Identity Through Motherhood.” I would argue that while most of the attention is on women and their parenting journey, men also experience a shift in their identity that isn’t widely acknowledged. Being a parent is hard, rewarding, exciting, and scary – for men and women.
The Roles of Race and Ethnicity in Parenting Perception
In addition to recognizing that parents of all genders and identities experience a shift in their sense of self, I also maintain that parenting is not a monolith. Race and ethnicity play key roles in parental perception.
Parenthood and motherhood are viewed differently among different racial and ethnic groups. In the 2023 Pew Research Center Study on Race, Ethnicity and Parenting, most racial and ethnic groups with children 18 and younger reported that having a child was one of the most important aspects of who they are as a person. However, greater percentages of Black and Hispanic parents as compared to White and Asian parents said that being a parent was the most important aspect of their identity. In addition, a quarter of Black and Hispanic parents surveyed worried that their children would get in trouble with the police, while this was not much of a concern for White and Asian parents.
Parenthood affects racial and ethnic groups differently as some groups place it at the apex of their identity while other groups prioritize parenthood in comparison to other aspects of their identity. Also, racial and ethnic groups have very different concerns for their children and these concerns are often tied to issues related to structural racism.
Tips to Maintain Your Identity While Parenting
Given all of these complexities, here are some tips that parents and caregivers can use to maintain their identity while parenting:
- Embrace the Change
Being a parent will upend everything you know or thought you knew. Embrace it. You can even poke fun at it. If someone addresses you by your child’s name, just to yourself, “Yup, that’s me.” When it happens to me, it warms my heart that my daughter has made such an impact on people that they remember her name. I must be doing something right.
- Develop or Revisit Outside Interests
I have to remind myself that revisiting old hobbies or developing a new hobby can only aid my parenting and can help me to be a better me. Having interests that don’t include your children can improve mental clarity and physical fitness and can lead to new friendships.
- Maintain Positive Relationships
Having supportive relationships where you feel seen and heard is key in helping parents find commonality and community. There are numerous parent organizations in the DMV, but if there isn’t an organization that suits your tastes, start one.
- Be An Example
Even if children are too young to verbalize what they see or feel, they are always watching their parents for cues on how they should behave, process emotions and relate to the world. If you lose yourself in the world of parenthood, this could set your kids on a path where they could mimic that behavior if they become parents. The goal is to raise kids who see their parents as parents but also as individuals.
Your life is forever changed when you become a parent. It’s a balancing act – balancing parental responsibilities, work and life. Increased conversation is needed to acknowledge that parenting is different for all of us, no matter our gender and race. However, I am sure that our children would love to see their parents accomplish their goals while simultaneously helping them to accomplish theirs as well.
