While some kids will barely utter a word, their talkative brethren are more
than happy to fill the silence. How do you know when talking has crossed
from socially acceptable to problematic?
Why kids talk and talk and talk …
A child’s talking varies according to the situation. What parent doesn’t
delight in the way her child’s face beams when he talks enthusiastically
about something that was particularly interesting or rewarding at school?
Often non-stop talking is age-appropriate, such as when a toddler is
excitedly developing her language skills. Some kids may talk your ear off
at home, but are quiet and shy at school. On the other hand, you may have a
social butterfly who finds it difficult to restrain herself from visiting
with her neighbors during quiet time and classroom instruction.
“The important determining factor has to do with whether others are
adversely affected,” says Dr. Richard Newman, a child psychologist. Newman
specializes in working with school-aged children and adolescents who have
problems that manifest in the classroom, including compulsive talking and
disruption.
“I think it’s important to be tolerant about talking, to listen carefully
to, and watch for, red flags for when talking creates problems, and to
discuss potential problems with children,” he says.
A youngster’s gift for gab becomes a concern if she constantly interrupts
conversation, speaks in lengthy monologues and frequently gets into trouble
at school for her talking.
Worse, non-stop talking can cripple your child’s social relationships,
leading to lower self-esteem and social isolation.
To help your Chatty Cathy learn to moderate her talking, try a few of these
gentle methods to model appropriate conversation skills:
Help your child feel heard.
Julie Hanks, LCSW and a family psychotherapist, says to reflect back to
make your child feel listened to and more aware of his behavior. For
example: “Hmmm … you’ve told me that story about what you did at
recess three times. It must have been really important to you.”
Make eye contact.
When people don’t look at us when we address them, we aren’t sure if
they’re truly listening and that can compel us to repeat ourselves. Put
aside your phone, magazine or tablet and give your child your full
attention when he talks to you.
“Sometimes kids repeat themselves because a parent is multi-tasking,” Hanks
says.
Notice your habits.
Ever heard your preschooler pretending to be you talking on the phone? Then
you know that kids learn how to communicate with others by watching how
their parents handle social situations. Model reciprocal communication,
which occurs through body language like gestures and nods, eye contact and
dialogue in which one person speaks while the other listens and then
responds.
Establish boundaries.
Teach your child self-control and self-regulation by setting boundaries.
Point out times when it’s disruptive to talk, like in the quiet space at
the library or while others want to listen to a speaker or a favorite song
on the radio.
If you need a break from your child’s chattering, tell her you need some
quiet time. Set the timer for 15 minutes and suggest that she play in her
room quietly, look at a book or color.
Make listening fun.
If your child’s talking interferes with other family members’ opportunities
to speak, set a limit on how long she can talk before it’s the next
person’s turn.
One way to practice turn-taking is to go around the table with an item like
a pepper mill or an honorary spoon, which can symbolize a mic. Whoever
holds the designated “mic” holds the floor, which means it’s his turn to
share his news, quip or story. No interruptions, but others can ask
questions of the person doing the talking to learn more about what he
shared.
Nurture social signal recognition.
Some children struggle to recognize social cues like body language and tone
of voice. Play charades to practice different facial expressions and body
language.
Acknowledge your child’s nonverbal signals and label emotions: “You’re
smiling from ear to ear. Something good must have just happened!”
Look at picture books and ask your child what the character is feeling.
Make note of other people’s body language. For example, “That lady has her
arms crossed and she’s talking loudly to the clerk. How do you think she’s
feeling?”
Read dialogue in books with inflection to help your child discern how the
characters must be feeling based on how the dialogue is spoken. One
sentence spoken in different ways can carry a variety of connotations like
anger, sarcasm or gentle teasing.
Seek professional help.
If you’re concerned about your child’s constant chattering, consult with
his pediatrician or a mental health professional. An assessment can
determine if your child’s talking is within the normal range of behavior or
compulsive, i.e., he refuses to be interrupted, focuses on worries or fears
or gets extremely agitated when he can’t finish a story.
Factors that can contribute to compulsive talking in kids:
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High intellectual functioning
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Personality and home environment
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ADD/ADHD
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Medications
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Anxiety
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Mood disorders
