We want to be resilient. We want our children and teenagers to be resilient. However, a recent study conducted by the Boys & Girls Clubs of America showed that 7 out of 10 children reported that when something goes wrong in their lives, they can’t stop worrying about it. What’s worse is that 70% of kids reported that their ability to cope with challenges was “medium to very low,” and many kids try to keep other people from finding out when they experience challenges.
As defined by the American Psychological Association, resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties, setbacks or adversity. It’s the ability to bounce back in the face of challenges and stress. Being resilient means that you can effectively cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs.
Alfred Adler, a pioneering psychiatrist and founder of individual psychology, believed that all individuals have varying capacities to tolerate stress, frustration and adversity based on their early childhood experiences and social environment. When parents – and other adults in a child’s life, such as teachers, coaches and family members – view a child’s setbacks as opportunities for growth and learning rather than insurmountable obstacles, children become more resilient.
Resilience is a dynamic and multifaceted trait that encompasses four key components:
- Emotional regulation
The ability to acknowledge emotions, keep a positive outlook and effectively cope with those feelings
- Problem solving
The ability to maintain perspective and think flexibly, even in challenging circumstances
- Supportive relationships
Family and other relationships that provide emotional and practical support during difficult times
- Physical and emotional strength
The ability to recover physically and emotionally from illness, injury or challenge
Resilience is not something that people either have or don’t have. Rather, it is a skill that can be developed and strengthened over time. While some individuals may naturally possess greater resilience due to factors such as temperament or upbringing, resilience can also be nurtured and cultivated through various strategies, interventions and support systems.
Ultimately, resilience empowers individuals to face life’s challenges with courage, optimism and resourcefulness, enabling them to bounce back from setbacks, persevere in the face of adversity and thrive in the midst of life’s inevitable ups and downs.
What is the adult’s role in helping a child become more resilient?
Parents and caregivers can help children and teens in developing resiliency by developing a trusting and nurturing relationship with them. Those relationships not only contribute to their emotional well-being but also promote academic and social success. Additionally, resilient children are better equipped to handle the pressures of adulthood, making them more adaptable and better prepared to thrive in an ever-changing world.
How to increase your child’s resiliency level?
There are several easy and practical ways for parents to help children develop resilience:
- Listen. Allow children and teens to talk without interruption and without judgment. Remember the adage that says something like, “You have two ears and one mouth for a reason”? Listen at least twice as much as you talk. It’s hard to do, so adults really need to work hard to listen!
- Provide emotional support. Create a safe and nurturing environment where children feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Validate their emotions without judgement and offer reassurance during difficult times.
- Foster independence. Let kids make their own (age-appropriate) decisions. Preschoolers can pick out their own clothes, older children can decide what time of day to do their chores and teens can help plan a family trip. This fosters confidence and teaches them to rely on their own abilities.
- Teach problem-solving. Encourage children to brainstorm solutions to their problems rather than immediately providing answers. This helps them develop critical thinking and decision-making skills.
- Celebrate all effort: Encourage children for their efforts rather than their successes. This teaches them that hard work and perseverance are valuable qualities.
- Model resilient behavior. It’s difficult to help your child build their level of resiliency when you aren’t feeling so resilient yourself! Be mindful of your own management of day-to-day challenges. Children learn by example, so seeing you bounce back from setbacks teaches them to do the same.
- Teach coping skills. Help children learn and practice healthy ways to cope with stress, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness techniques or engaging in hobbies they enjoy.
- Encourage connections. Foster strong relationships with family and friends. Having a supportive social network provides children with more sources of support during tough times.
- Maintain routines. Establishing consistent routines provides children with a sense of stability and predictability, which can help them feel more secure during times of stress or change.
- Encourage physical health. Ensure children and teens get enough sleep, eat nutritious meals, and engage in regular physical activity. A healthy body supports a healthy mind, making it easier to cope with challenges.
- Embrace failure. Allow children to experience failure and setbacks in a supportive environment. Help them understand that failure is a natural part of learning and an opportunity for growth. Books with a theme of resilience can offer wonderful opportunities for children to vicariously experience positive responses to failure (see reading list below).
Not all of these actions come naturally. Online resources such as those offered by the Parent Encouragement Program can help adults develop new skills.
Slow and steady
Taking it slowly when teaching children and teens how to develop resilience is essential for several reasons. First and foremost, resilience is a complex skill that takes time to develop. Rushing the process can be overwhelming and may even backfire, causing them to feel discouraged or stressed. By taking it slowly, parents can break the process down into manageable steps, allowing children to build their resilience at their own pace.
Moreover, teaching resilience requires patience and consistency. Children need repeated opportunities to practice coping strategies and problem-solving skills in various situations to truly internalize them. Rushing through these lessons may not provide enough time for children to fully understand and integrate them into their lives.
Additionally, taking it slowly allows parents to provide the necessary support and guidance along the way. Resilience-building activities should be scaffolded to match children’s developmental abilities and emotional maturity. By taking the time to understand your child’s unique needs and challenges, you can tailor your approach to effectively support their development.
Nurturing resilience in children and teens is essential for their overall development and well-being. By equipping them with the skills, mindset and support they need to navigate life’s challenges, we empower them to thrive in an ever-changing world. Together, we can cultivate a generation of resilient, confident and compassionate individuals who are prepared to face whatever challenges life may bring.
Lynne Ticknor is the Director of Education at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). She is a certified parent educator and has been delivering parenting programs since 2006.
