Parenting and teaching young children are as much about helping them develop emotionally as they are about teaching them skills. One revolutionary tool that bridges these two goals is something I developed and call Brain Talk. It’s a concoction of lots of different modalities, rooted in respectful parenting, Internal Family Systems, mindfulness meditation, self-compassion literature, attachment research, trauma-informed approaches, holistic thinking and parental intuition. Brain Talk nurtures positive self-talk, builds a healthy self-concept, and promotes self-advocacy and a growth mindset. And when kids have those, they are unstoppable.
Let’s explore what Brain Talk is, why it matters, and how you can use it in everyday interactions with children of all ages.
What is Brain Talk?
Brain Talk creates a distinction between the SELF (the person), their THOUGHTS (the mind) and the ACTIONS of their body. This separation empowers children (and adults!) to see themselves as capable, whole individuals who can direct their bodies to learn new skills.
For example, instead of a child thinking, “I can’t talk,” Brain Talk reframes it to, “I am teaching my brain and mouth to work together.” This shift promotes self-awareness, self-esteem and self-control while also fostering skill-building. It also keeps the SELF out of the mess: SELF gets to hang out and be whole and wonderful while Brain and Body figure stuff out.
Thinking this couldn’t possibly matter? Read on!
Why Brain Talk Matters
Children who internalize their struggles as flaws in their identity – rather than areas of skill development – can develop negative self-concepts. Consider the difference between these statements:
Negative Self-Talk would say, “I am impulsive.”
Brain Talk says, “Sometimes my body acts impulsively.” or “Sometimes my mouth talks before I have a chance to stop it.”
Can you feel the difference as you read those two statements? By acknowledging that behaviors are separate from the person, Brain Talk creates space for growth and learning. It allows for a person to maintain agency and wholeness even when their brain or body isn’t doing things “correctly.”
Similarly, a child saying, “I can’t do this,” may feel hopeless. But with Brain Talk, they can say, “I’m helping my brain and body work together to learn this,” which reinforces perseverance and optimism. It’s a small shift with big results.
How Brain Talk Works
Brain Talk teaches children about the body as a collection of parts that receive directions from the brain. For example, body parts have specific roles (you’ve heard ‘em before): Feet are for walking, hands for holding things, ears for listening. eyes for seeing.
When our parts are in sync, we can use Brain Talk to thank our parts for doing what we’ve asked them to do. One of my favorite things to say is (thank you to my son’s pre-K-4 teacher long ago!): “We gotta kiss your brain! It’s doing such a good job telling your parts what to do!” It seems silly maybe, but it is a powerful lesson in self-appreciation for deeds well done.
But we can also use Brain Talk when the brain and body parts don’t communicate effectively. Challenges arise when the brain struggles to imagine what to do, when signals are incomplete or incorrect or when a body part misinterprets or cannot act on the signal. In those cases, we can help point out where the miscommunication occurred by labeling it. “Oh no! Your hand wasn’t listening to your brain! Your hand forgot to be gentle with the baby.”
Do you see how this is subtly, yet completely, different from “You aren’t being gentle with the baby”?
By focusing on how the SELF directs the body and brain, Brain Talk highlights that while we have a body, we are not our body. Likewise, although we have thoughts, we are not our thoughts. (And yes, that is Mindfulness 101. Imagine if we learned that as very young children!) These distinctions help children see themselves as empowered individuals, separate from their challenges.
Applying Brain Talk
Brain Talk can be used to reframe and guide many areas of learning and behavior. Here are specific examples and scripts to apply this method:
I use Brain Talk all the time in speech therapy. I say things like: “Oops! Your mouth said /s/ instead of /f/. Did your ears hear the /s/ sound or the /f/ sound?” Or “yay! Your tongue said /k/ just like your brain told it to! We gotta kiss your brain! AND we gotta kiss your tongue!” (This inevitably gets a funny look and a grin from the kids, who nevertheless will take their fingers and “chef’s kiss” themselves. It’s super cute.)
We can use Brain Talk to acknowledge when being flexible is hard for our kiddos. “Your brain really wants it to be this certain way, doesn’t it? That’s so hard. Let’s show your brain some love for wanting it the way it wants it.” (See the self-compassion baked in there?)
Using positive, body-focused language encourages cooperation and reduces resistance. Here are some examples:
You’ve definitely heard this before, but instead of saying “Don’t run,” try “Can your feet stop at the next tree?” Instead of “No throwing,” try “Your hands want to throw. Can they hold onto the ball instead?”
Why Brain Talk Is Effective
Brain Talk empowers children by teaching them to understand their body and actions without tying mistakes to their identity. This alone would be enough. But in addition, Brain Talk also helps kids recognize their own ability for growth and learning and be able to advocate for themselves using compassionate, self-directed language.
While originally developed for toddlers (yes! it works with really young ones), Brain Talk’s principles are equally effective for older children, teens and even adults.
Brain Talk in Action
By combining neuroscience, positive self-talk and practical strategies, Brain Talk transforms challenges into opportunities for growth. It equips children to approach their actions with curiosity and control, rather than frustration or defeat.
As parents, teachers and clinicians, adults can use Brain Talk to foster resilience, self-awareness and a belief in the power of learning in the children we’re with (and – added bonus! We can use it on OURSELVES). The next time your child encounters a challenge, invite their brain and body to work together – and watch their confidence soar.
Brain Talk isn’t just a method; it’s a mindset. Through small, intentional shifts in how we speak to and about ourselves, we can create a ripple effect of empowerment that lasts a lifetime.
Gabriele Nicolet is a toddler whisperer, child development specialist, parent coach and host of the Complicated Kids Podcast. She is passionate about showing families how to help their complicated kids thrive and not just survive. Reach her at gabrielenicolet.com