At a recent family wedding outside Denver, my son lost it. Between the time change, disruption to routine and pressure to socialize with unfamiliar family members, my neurodivergent son (autistic and ADHD) was on edge. His nervous system was frayed.
After a long day of travel, we went to a pre-wedding dinner, and he angled to leave for a solid half hour. Nothing worked to occupy him. He just needed out.
When we finally left, he bolted across the empty parking lot, slipped on some loose gravel, fell down hard and immediately started to cry. When we sped over to help him up, he yelled:
“Why didn’t you tell me not to run??? This is all your fault!”
It was obvious to everyone that this was not our fault. Deep down, he knew he had used poor judgment. But his brain was completely flooded with shock from the fall, physical pain, embarrassment and a nervous system already stretched thin. In that moment, his brain’s only accessible coping strategy was shifting the blame outward.
Few things can rankle us like getting blamed for something that is not our fault. And when our kids struggle to “accept responsibility,” it can feel like a parenting fail.
Kids of good parents always accept responsibility, right? Thankfully, that is a myth. Our kids’ “blame game” reveals a brain under stress, not a character flaw.
The right strategies can take time
I responded to my son by normalizing the mistake. Everybody falls sometimes; it was dark and hard to see the gravel.
I validated his feelings. That fall was really surprising; it hurts to get scraped; it’s okay to feel upset about it.
We offered soothing strategies. What might help your body feel better right now? Maybe a hug?
Despite it all, he continued blaming us. His brain simply wasn’t ready to accept responsibility because admitting he made a mistake felt unsafe. His self-protective instincts were in charge.
Eventually, his nervous system settled. Once back to a calmer state, we talked about what happened.
We named it gently and compassionately. His brain had a hard time accepting he made a mistake, which is normal. Everyone makes mistakes; mistakes help us learn. We made a plan. Next time, we’ll walk carefully in an unfamiliar place in the dark.
At that point, he was able to let go of the blame and move forward.
The brain science behind blame-shifting
We’ve all been there. Those moments when we wish we could rewind life five minutes and choose differently. Accepting mistakes, especially in the moment, is hard.
That ability to accept responsibility for our mistakes lives in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, reflection and impulse control. And that region doesn’t mature until adulthood. For neurotypical kids, it’s not fully developed until age 25; for neurodivergent (ND) kids, it’s often up to 30% later.
So, expecting an ND kid with a reactive nervous system to calmly accept responsibility while dysregulated is entirely unrealistic.
When kids shift blame, it’s often what Dr. Sharon Saline calls an “amygdala hijack.” The amygdala, a part of the brain’s limbic system, triggers the fight, flight, freeze — and yes — the blame response. In that hijacked state, the thinking brain is offline.
So, blame-shifting is not defiance or manipulation, but a brain trying to protect itself from shame, overwhelm, or emotional pain.
Shift: Curiosity before correction
Behavior is always a form of communication. When kids struggle to take responsibility, something underneath feels too big, too painful, or too unsafe.
When your child or teen plays the “Blame Game,” try this:
- Get curious.
- Ask yourself what’s underneath the behavior. Are they embarrassed? Overwhelmed? Trying to protect themselves from shame?
- Validate, validate, validate.
- Tell them you see how hard this feels. Normalize mistakes. Help them feel seen.
- Stay calm.
- Your most powerful parenting tool. Your calm helps their nervous system re-regulate.
- Lead with compassion.
- As Ross Greene reminds us, kids do well when they can. If your child struggles to accept responsibility, they need support, not punishment, to build their skills.
- Use it as a teachable moment (later).
- Once regulated, help them understand their brain. Discuss what triggered the blame response and what helped them recover. This builds metacognitive skills (understanding one’s own brain), which is crucial for ND kids.
- Model taking responsibility.
- Owning our own mistakes normalizes imperfection, which is hard for many ND kids. Model that mistakes are learning opportunities, not failures.
If your child often blame-shifts, it means their brain is still learning how to tolerate discomfort, regulate emotion and recover from mistakes. With curiosity, compassion and some “brainsplaining,” your child will learn to accept responsibility for the mistakes they make.
Jen Dryer, MA, is a parent educator with Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, MD. She is also co-founder of Raising Orchid Kids, which supports parents and caregivers raising neurodivergent children and teens. Jen has over 25 years of experience working with children, families and teachers in both NYC and DC as a public-school teacher, staff developer and parent coach. She brings her lived experience as a parent of a neurodivergent teen to her coaching work.
