When we think about childhood discipline, most of us imagine helping children learn right from wrong. But what happens when discipline becomes so frequent or severe that it begins to shape how children understand themselves?
This question came into focus for me after evaluating a six-year-old kindergartener who had been suspended 12 times in a single school year. His school was preparing for a meeting to decide whether his behavior is related to a disability.
Beyond the immediate educational crisis, I couldn’t stop thinking about something deeper: How does a child like him build a sense of competence, confidence and worth? And what about the many children whose struggles may be less extreme?
At the center of these questions is something psychiatrists call self-concept.
What is self-concept?
Self-concept is the mental picture we form of ourselves. It includes how we see our abilities, our personality traits, our social roles and our physical characteristics. Importantly, self-concept is not fixed. Instead, it is dynamic, shaped and reshaped continuously by our experiences, relationships, feedback and environments.
For young children, self-concept is built through interactions with parents, caregivers, teachers and peers; through success and failure; and through how adults respond when they struggle.
Why positive self-concept matters
A healthy self-concept is foundational for emotional well-being and skill development. Children who believe they are capable are more likely to try new things, persist through challenges and recover from setbacks.
Research shows that negative self-concept is associated with anxiety and depression, even in children. In fact, large studies suggest that how young people feel about themselves has one of the strongest links to depression compared with other psychological factors. Anxiety and depression, in turn, further erode self-concept, creating a painful feedback loop.
The role of parents in shaping self-concept
Parents are a child’s first and most influential mirror. Children learn who they are by watching how adults respond to them.
Parents can work to have positive encounters with their children, focusing on what their children can do as opposed to what they can’t.
Having “interactional warmth” will help co-regulate children of all ages. That means spending quality time with your children and trying to be as present as possible during those times.
Parental mental health is very important as well. If you are struggling, reach out for help.
Bottom line: I think of promoting self-concept as supporting self-esteem. Parents can help children by modeling self-compassion and practicing healthy habits. Parents can show children that they themselves are not perfect and can own their mistakes. Parents can praise children’s efforts, not only the results. Try to stay positive as often as possible when interacting with your child.
What educators can do
Early childhood is often defined as ages 3-5, but self-concept continues to take shape well into the early elementary years. Kindergarten through second grade is particularly important as children begin developing academic independence, problem-solving skills and more complex peer relationships.
Early school experiences shape how children understand themselves. They begin to ask:
- Am I capable?
- Can I solve problems?
- Am I valued?
When teachers successfully co-regulate with students by helping them identify emotions, and solve problems, children build skills that support emotional regulation and problem solving in life.
Teachers can make sure that emotional literacy, especially early on, is a part of their curriculum. They can help children name their feelings and understand that emotions are meaningful and manageable.
Educators can also provide mirrors and windows: Opportunities for children to see their own experiences reflected (“Someone gets me”) and to learn about others’ perspectives (“I can understand someone different from me”). These experiences foster empathy, curiosity and a sense of belonging.
Educators can help children develop skills, not perfection. Advocacy, respectful communication, curiosity and perseverance are learned — and they are the building blocks of a positive self-concept.
Neurodivergent children and unique challenges
Neurodivergent children — those whose development doesn’t progress evenly across areas like attention, emotional regulation, social skills or learning — have added risks to self-concept. This can include children with ADHD, autism, learning differences or other developmental or mental health conditions. Gifted and twice exceptional kids (those with disabilities and cognitive strengths) may also have challenges in forming a positive self-concept.
When development is asynchronous, children may receive frequent feedback about what’s “hard” for them. Over time, this increases the risk for anxiety and mood disorders if strengths and growth are not equally emphasized.
This is why early identification and support — such as 504 plans or IEPs in public schools — is important. These supports create environments where children can build skills while preserving confidence and dignity.
Supporting neurodivergent children at home
Parents of neurodivergent children can make a tremendous difference by paying attention to how their child talks about themselves. Is their self-talk hopeful? Strength-based? Or primarily negative and defeated?
Regular, low-pressure check-ins — like simply asking, “How are you feeling about school lately?” — can create space for children to be honest. The goal is to listen and validate.
Sharing concerns with a pediatrician can also help. Sometimes a short course of therapy or skills-based support can improve self-concept, self-esteem and overall functioning.
Parents should trust their judgment and knowledge of their children, and if something is off, ask questions and try to get answers from knowledgeable people you trust. If your child is struggling, reach out early. Getting support early on can help prevent problems later on.
Ashley Miller, M.D. is a child and adolescent psychiatrist with the Mid-Atlantic Permanente Medical Group. He sees patients at the Kaiser Permanente Burke Medical Center.
