I officially became a “soccer mom” last year when my eight-year-old
daughter enrolled in the town soccer team. She loves playing the sport and
interacting with the other girls on her team. Being part of the team has
entailed traveling to other towns. Sometimes we have witnessed other games
in progress while waiting for her game to begin, and I’ve been shocked to
see parents yelling in an aggressive manner at either the kids or the
coach.
In Braintree, Massachusetts, a girl’s basketball high school coach quit due
to parent complaints. The coach helped bring the team two back-to-back
Division 1 state championships and had a 63-game winning streak, yet the
parents were still dissatisfied.
Research at the University of Maryland found 53 percent of parents reported
feeling angry during their child’s soccer game. This is an issue in many
towns across America caused by various factors.
Social Media:
In Braintree, the parents created an email exchange complaining about their
child’s playing time. The coach became tired of dealing with the parent
complaints resulting in her resignation. Studies found people tend to bully
online since they are not held accountable. Social media and email messages
lack a person’s tone or body language causing miscommunication. Also if a
person sends an angry message, the person receiving the message can read it
over and over again resulting in hurt feelings.
High College Costs:
According to College Data, public college tuition can cost an average of
$24,610 per year and private college an average $49,320. With the high
costs of colleges, parents want or need their child to receive
scholarships. The pressure of winning a scholarship from playing a sport
has created parents who either have unrealistic expectations or become
angry when their child isn’t participating.
High Cost of Sports:
Participation in sports can be expensive. Players are required to purchase
sports gear and usually pay a fee for being on a team, even in public
schools. According to research at University of Michigan Health System, on
average a player had to pay a $125 participation fee and $275 for sports
equipment and travel.
Thirty years ago when a child played baseball, often the team shared a
helmet and bat. Now most players have two bats, their own helmet, batting
gloves and a baseball bag. When a parent pays these high costs, they feel
they should be getting their money’s worth, and when their child doesn’t
play, they get angry at the coach.
Parent Personality:
Research by Goldstein found control-oriented parents are more angry and
aggressive during their child’s sporting events than autonomy-oriented
parents. A control-oriented parent is a person who is concerned about other
people’s opinions and motivated by external forces, whereas an
autonomy-oriented parent is driven by their own goals. During games the
control-oriented parent tends to take things personally. For example, if a
coach pulls their child from the game, this type of parent may feel it is a
personal attack against their child rather than an impartial decision by
the coach.
Parents Vicariously Living through their Child:
Often parents relive their childhood experiences through their children. If
a parent was unsuccessful at a sport and their child excels in this sport,
they might experience the feeling of success they never could as a child.
Research by Brummelman found parents who see themselves in their child want
their child to fulfill their unfulfilled ambitions. This may cause parents
to pressure their child to succeed and parents to become angry when their
child makes mistakes during the game. If the parent feels their child isn’t
getting enough playing time, they may become angry at the coach, as was the
case in Braintree.
Unrealistic Parent Expectations:
Parents can hold unrealistic expectations about their child’s abilities
while playing sports. Parents may consider their child to be the best on
the team or think their child will be a professional athlete one day. This
viewpoint can cause conflicts between the parent and coach.
Parent Reminders
-
Most coaches volunteer or are paid a small stipend. The coach is
usually interested in helping your child and their team have a
positive experience. -
When you are on the sidelines, refrain from criticizing the coach
or players. Your role should be to support the team. -
If you have an issue with another parent or coach, speak to the
person directly about it and refrain from using social media to air
your grievances. -
Before speaking to the coach, allow yourself time to calm down by
waiting 24 hours after the incident. Also schedule a time to meet
with the coach instead of trying to speak with the coach after the
game. -
Playing on a sports team should be a fun experience for your child
and the coach. -
Try to put things in perspective and remind yourself this game is
for your child, not you. -
When you get angry at the coach you are ultimately hurting your
child by causing embarrassment and resentment. Research by Omli
& Wiese-Bjornstal found kids prefer supportive parents rather
than angry ones at sporting events. -
There is no “I” in team. A coach tries to make decisions based on
what is best for the team, not only your child. -
When you tell your child what to do from the sideline, you are
implying they don’t know how to play the game. -
If you tend to get angry easily, practice anger management
techniques such as deep breathing, or counting to 10.
What Can You Do to Prevent Your Coach from Quitting?
-
If a parent complains to you about the coach, encourage the parent
to discuss it directly with the coach. -
Be respectful of the coach.
-
Offer to assist or help out with practices or communication with
parents. -
Praise the coach when he/she is doing a good job.
-
Show gratitude for the coach. A simple thank you can mean a lot.
