When the first child is born to a family, many women’s worlds turn upside
down. Finding time to balance current relationships, household chores and
personal needs with a new baby can leave mothers feeling frayed, frazzled
and frustrated. But it doesn’t have to be that way. With a little patience,
prioritizing and flexibility, new moms can navigate this time and emerge
confident and content in their new role.
This was Tonjia Coverdale’s experience. “Before I had Benjamin, I was a
typical type ‘A’ personality. I had a plan and carried it out flawlessly,”
says the mother of her now 18-month-old. “When he was born prematurely, I
had a big adjustment to make. Now I was on his schedule – his plan. I
learned early on it was okay to have a tentative agenda, but I had to
remain flexible for him.”
“Having a new baby is a definite rebalancing act,” says Rebecca Levin,
LCSW, coordinator for Postpartum Support International. “Just getting used
to having a newborn around is hard. Trying to figure out how to integrate
him into your existing life – that’s a huge challenge.”
For Christine Bart, the biggest challenge was maintaining her current
social life. “Before Kailin was born, we had a lot of childless friends and
were used to going out and taking weekend trips,” says the mother of her
now 16-month-old. “Afterwards things changed. Our friends would come over,
but it wasn’t like it used to be,” she says.
Experts agree the dynamic of friendships often changes after the first baby
is born. “Relationships are birthed out of common interests, so it may be
difficult for childless friends to understand the time and energy a newborn
requires, let alone the limitations you now have,” says Postpartum Doula
Gracie Mirolli.
But that doesn’t mean the friendships can’t continue. Look for
commonalities you still share and plan times to get together for lunch,
coffee or at the park. Take the baby with you or ask someone to babysit so
you can go alone. Talk about what is going on in your life and stay tuned
in to your friends’ interests. Even if those friendships fizzle, it doesn’t
mean you’re doomed to a life of loneliness. “We still have friends who are
childless, but I have a whole new set of friends with kids that I’ve met
through playgroups, at story time, even on the Internet,” says Bart.
More importantly is to schedule time alone with your spouse. If date nights
won’t work, try a creative approach. When the baby is asleep, order in
Chinese food and put out a tablecloth and candles, watch a movie together
and give each other foot or back rubs. Make this a priority from the
beginning to keep your marriage healthy and strong.
Another challenge most new mothers face is finding time for household
chores. Levin’s advice is simple. “Set small goals,” she says. “Instead of
saying, ‘I’m going to clean the whole house today,’ start with one or two
rooms. That way it’s more manageable and you won’t get frustrated if it
doesn’t all get done.”
Even then flexibility is key. “I break up the work and do different chores
throughout the week, so it’s finished for the weekends,” says Bart. “One
day I’ll do vacuuming and dusting. The next I’ll do bathrooms and laundry.
But I’m not super rigid. Some days I don’t get it all finished, but I have
a happy child.”
Coverdale makes housework a matter of multitasking. “I didn’t have a formal
fitness program in the beginning, so I combined it with housework,” she
says. “I wore Benjamin in a sling or mei tai while I did my chores. Now
that he’s older I involve him in some of the simpler tasks like unloading
the dryer and helping pick up toys. We make it into a game.”
Other mothers combine fitness, friendships and infant time by participating
in parent exercise programs, such as Stroller Fit, which include baby and
buggy in the routine.
Incorporating activities is, in fact, the best way to find time for the
things you want and need to do. Of course, it may take a bit of ingenuity.
“The biggest adjustment I had to make when Benjamin was born was changing
from a working woman to a stay-at-home mom,” Coverdale recalls. “I loved
being home with him, but I had a huge void and wanted some personal
enrichment.” She combined her love for technology with family and fashion
and created an online mother and baby clothing line.
“It’s my creative outlet, but it doesn’t take time away from the baby,” she
says. “I work on it at night, after Ben and my husband go to bed. It’s my
recharge time.”
Bart wanted personal fulfillment, too, but waited until Kailin settled into
a routine before starting to work on her master’s degree online.
Mirolli thinks waiting is wise. “The baby dictates so much of the mother’s
time at the beginning. The best thing she can do is rest so her energy
returns,” she says. “In time, her baby’s routine will emerge and life will
become more predictable.”
Then you can do those things you deem important, as long as you stay
flexible.
“I always want to have time for my daughter,” says Bart. “Even if it means
some days I put things on the back burner to read books, sing songs or just
pick up and go to the playground.”
Resources for New Mothers
- BabyCenter
An online parenting community center that
provides pregnancy, baby and toddler information. - Childbirth and Postpartum Professional Association
Provides
new and expectant parents referrals in childbirth education and support. - Doulas of North America (DONA, International)
Provides information and referrals for birth and postpartum doulas. - momsclub.com
Local support groups that hold
meetings with speakers and discussion topics, family parties, playgroups,
babysitting co-ops, special activity groups, community service projects and
more. - La Leche League
A world-wide organization committed to
breastfeeding support through telephone and group meetings. - MOPS International
Meetings provide fellowship for mothers with
young children in a nurturing, caring environment. Moms share information,
have group discussion time and learn a craft, while children play nearby
with supervision. - Parenting Press
An online resource that provides
books, articles, tips and tools related to parenting. - Parents as Teachers
A non-profit parent education
organization that provides parents of children, prenatal to age 5, with
support and information on their developing child. - Postpartum Support InternationalA worldwide organization
dedicated to education, prevention and treatment for issues related to
maternal mental health. - Stroller Fit
An organization that provides fitness
training for parents and parents-to-be that incorporates baby into the
routine.
