Fall sports are in full swing, bringing with them a familiar scene: some kids naturally shine while others struggle to find their place. One of the most common issues facing young female athletes is confidence. Self-confidence is key to success in sports but if your child is not the star or not playing to their potential, what do you do? As the mother of a female athlete in multiple sports, I’ve seen firsthand how the focus on winning and “star” players can leave many kids feeling sidelined and discouraged.
The corporatization of play
Sadly, much of youth sports has transformed into a corporate-style, overly scheduled culture (especially for those of us doing the driving). Where children once gathered on playgrounds to play for the pure fun of it, now we have municipal recreation leagues as well as club and elite teams. While these additional teams have fueled broader participation, they have also contributed to the pressure to win and showcase stars.
How to get confidence back
Confidence is a fragile concept and getting it back once it’s been shattered, can be challenging. An athlete won’t have the mental capacity to push boundaries if they are not confident.
Early in her athletic career, my daughter’s height was an advantage. However, as she grew older, her teammates caught up to her in height, but her physical abilities didn’t keep pace. She remained a competent player, but was no longer the star, which frustrated her. As she realized she wasn’t as skilled as some of her teammates, her confidence tanked. Worse, she stopped playing to her actual potential.
Linda Martindale, a certified mental wellness coach for young athletes, advises parents in such situations, “not to start overthinking every play or attempt a debrief after every game with a child. “
A lecture can be the last straw with an already fragile psyche. Instead, unless your child asks for specific feedback, give them room to breathe and emphasize how much you enjoyed watching them play.
View loss of confidence as temporary
Martindale suggests viewing the loss of confidence as a temporary situation. While it’s hard to step back in the middle of what feels like a crisis, it’s critical for young athletes (with the help of a coach and parents) to regroup and use training drills and practices to build a consistent routine.
Even elite athletes struggle with confidence. In the Netflix documentary series Simone Biles:Rising, the gymnast reveals her recent gold medal performance in Paris was only possible after she returned to the basics in the gym. After experiencing “the twisties” at the Tokyo Olympics, Biles focused on simple routines and drills, refining her technique and stripping away the pressures of elite competition. This back-to-basics approach helped her rediscover the joy of gymnastics, allowing her to rebuild her skills and, more importantly, her confidence, step by step.
Establishing pregame and prepractice routines can help your athlete feel more in control over their performance. Coach “Dez” Desmond Dunham, a nationally acclaimed youth sports expert based in the Washington, D.C. area, states, “I coach my athletes to focus on their effort, preparation and attitude. It’s those elements that prepare them for life, not the number of games they win as a 12-year-old.”
Deep breathing techniques can reduce anxiety by helping athletes stay centered and focused in the moment. They activate the parasympathetic nervous system which counteracts the body’s stress response, helping athletes stay in control.
Positive self-talk also helps, according to Martindale. Self-talk – whether it is positive or negative — is the internal dialogue that directly influences an athlete’s performance and emotional state. The goal is to replace negative thinking with positive thoughts. Instead of listening to an inner voice warn, “I always miss this shot,” instead say “I have done this before. I can do this.” These simple exercises reinforce small improvements which build confidence and lead to long-term success.
Mistakes in sports mirror setbacks in life
Mistakes and setbacks are a big part of sports, as well as life. Both Martindale and Dunham recommend viewing mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning rather than continuing to dwell on them.
Setting small goals will allow an athlete to notch some small wins, creating a winning mindset and propelling them forward. Visualization is another powerful tool used by many elite athletes. Visualizing success in a mental rehearsal of specific plays can help reduce performance anxiety.
Coach Dez, who is also a “soccer dad,” emphasizes surrounding your child with a supportive network of teammates, friends and family.
“I never praise my daughter for the number of goals scored. I praise her for her work ethic, for cheering on her teammates and for handling adversity on the field – such as when the ref misses a call. When she grows up, I want her to be a leader who helps others. The number of goals she scored won’t translate to that, but her work ethic, discipline and resilience will set her up to be a successful leader and difference-maker in her community.”
Christine Washburn is a mother, high-tech marketing executive and former speechwriter. She loves chocolate and cares deeply about the Oxford comma. You’ll find her work in Blunt Moms, Grown and Flown, Insider.com, Mom.com, MSN.com, Your Teen, and numerous high-tech publications.
