Today’s parents are stressed. Even if we don’t identify it as stress, the effects are clear when we get angry over little things, yell at our kids, get headaches, suffer stomach pain, feel tired all the time, have difficulty concentrating and face a host of other physical and emotional conditions. In late 2024, Dr. Vivek Murthy released Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents an official advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents. The report highlights the critical role that parents’ mental health plays in influencing the well-being of their children.
Studies reveal that children who have a primary caregiver with poor mental health are two times more likely to have mental, behavioral, or developmental concerns. Those children are also four times more likely to have physical health problems.
Here Are Just a Few of the Key Points from the Advisory
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Parents’ mental health affects the whole family:
The mental health of parents directly impacts their children’s emotional and mental well-being. Struggling with stress, depression or anxiety challenges parents’ ability to care for their children. Parents who are overwhelmed or in poor mental health may find it harder to meet their children’s emotional and physical needs, which can affect their children’s development. A parent’s ability to provide a stable and nurturing environment is key to a child’s growth. Supportive, emotionally available parents are essential for children to develop secure attachments, self-esteem, and resilience.
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Mental health issues are common among parents:
Approximately 1 in 5 parents in the U.S. suffer from mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety or stress. These conditions are particularly prevalent during times of transition, like pregnancy, the early years of raising children or periods of caregiving for aging relatives. If mental health issues in parents go untreated, they can lead to long-term difficulties for both the parents and their children. Addressing these issues early on can prevent them from becoming more severe.
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Parenting is stressful and burdensome:
Parenting is a demanding and stressful job, especially when parents are also juggling work, financial pressures and caregiving responsibilities. For many parents, the stress of balancing these responsibilities can lead to burnout. This is particularly true for parents who don’t have access to support systems or affordable resources. High stress and burnout can undermine a parent’s ability to be present for their children or make sound decisions, which can negatively affect family dynamics and child development.
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Parents face barriers to getting help:
Despite the prevalence of mental health challenges among parents, many don’t seek the help they need due to stigma, lack of time or lack of access to mental health services. For example, parents may feel ashamed of their mental health struggles or fear judgment from others, preventing them from reaching out for support. Without access to proper mental health care, untreated issues can spiral and affect the parent-child relationship. When parents don’t seek help, the risks of long-term mental health problems increase, and so do the risks to the children in their care.
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Parents need social support:
Strong social networks – whether it’s family, friends or community resources – are crucial for parents’ mental health. Parents who feel isolated or lack support are at higher risk for depression and anxiety. Social support helps parents cope with daily stress, share caregiving responsibilities and reduce feelings of isolation. Parents need emotional and practical support to manage the demands of raising children. When parents feel supported, they are more likely to have a positive outlook and healthier mental well-being, which benefits their entire family.
What Parents and Caregivers Can Do:
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Resist the pressure to compete with others:
The pressure-cooker environment needs a release valve. Many parents fall into the trap of excessively focusing on their child’s achievements. There is no race to success. Children learn and grow at their own pace. Grades, athletic ability, musical talent and other accolades should not be more important to you than who your child is on the inside. When we monitor our children’s grades, fix their problems, pack their schedules with extracurricular activities and pressure them to always perform at the highest standards, we exhaust our children – and ourselves. Additionally, we deprive our kids of the opportunity to gain some important experiences, like boredom, failure and discomfort. We also risk sending them the message that we don’t believe they are capable and competent.
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Be a “nonanxious” presence:
Dr. William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, coauthors of several books including The Self-Driven Child and What Do You Say?, emphasize that one of our primary jobs as parents is to be a nonanxious presence in our child’s life. Imagine if we worked on calming ourselves down first, then we assisted our kids. It’s in our human nature to think, “Once I get this kid’s anxiety under control, I’ll be under control.” But we must help ourselves first. Stress is contagious and we give it to our kids when we’re experiencing anxiety and frustration.
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Fake it:
You know how this goes: “Fake it until you make it.” Amy Cuddy, social psychologist, bestselling author and acclaimed keynote speaker, rewrote that quip. She prefers “fake it until you become it.” Even when you have doubts or experience negative self-talk, learn to convey confidence. In her TED Talk, Cuddy explains her research about nonverbal body language and explores how posture has a physiological effect on the brain. Years later, when subsequent research didn’t always mimic her findings, she said, “It’s not just about standing like a superhero for two minutes; it’s about carrying yourself with power and pride and poise, as you deserve to do.” Read Cuddy’s response to criticism on this.
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Join a parenting program:
Just like childbirth classes help prepare an expectant parent for that process, parenting programs provide education, support and skills to make parenting a little easier. Positive parenting programs, such as those offered by the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Md., help to strengthen parental skills around effective communication, emotion coaching and encouragement. These programs equip parents to help their children become more capable and resilient – and they alleviate parental stress, too.
While parents have had to deal with stressors and challenges for generations, today’s parents are more isolated, without the benefit of important support networks. Parenting programs help create a community, bringing parents and caregivers together to share experiences and support each other. In 2023-24, PEP’s research partner NORC at the University of Chicago found that the PEP Family Resiliency Program had a large effect on strengthening the parent-child relationship, parent-child communication, cooperative child behavior and parent adjustment.
PEP will offer a free webinar, Nurturing the Nurturers: Prioritizing Parent Well-Being for Stronger Families, on Wednesday, January 29 from 7:30-9 p.m.
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Trust in yourself:
Taking your child to have a behavioral assessment has become commonplace among many parents today. Before taking your child to a doctor, therapist or other professional to “diagnose” your child, try helping them yourself. Trust your own intuition and talk with your child about how they are feeling.
Even if your child’s behavior is less than you or others expect, ask yourself if those expectations are reasonable. Children who explode at home over a seemingly minor situation may just be blowing off steam. Sitting for long hours at a time focusing on schoolwork is difficult. It’s normal and developmentally appropriate for kids and teens to act out. They have little experience in understanding and modifying their behavior. Their brains aren’t even close to being fully developed. If research shows that the human brain is not fully developed until the mid-20s, why would we expect children and teens to act like grown adults?
The Surgeon General’s advisory calls for a societal approach to support the mental health of parents. Let’s focus on programs and services that strengthen and support parents so that they don’t feel so alone and overwhelmed as they go through their parenting journey. Improving the wellness of our next generation depends on nurturing the generation of parents suffering today.
Lynne Ticknor is the Director of Education at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Md. She is a certified parent educator and has been teaching parenting classes since 2006. For more information about classes, visit PEPparent.org.