Most parents agree that time is their most valuable (and scarce!)
commodity. The demands of work and family life can easily consume every
available moment, leaving even the most well-intentioned mothers and
fathers feeling tired and frustrated as they try to get everything done.
Children feel frustrated with the not-enough-time problem, too. We hear
their disappointment – and sometimes their fury – as they try to figure
out, “When CAN you listen to me, Mom?” “Why ISN’T this a good time to play,
Dad?” “When will you NOT be ‘too busy’?” No wonder so many child behavior
problems – interrupting, fussing for attention, fighting with siblings –
can be traced back to the not-enough-time problem perplexing children and
parents alike.
A solution to the “not-enough-time” problem
Fortunately, many families have found a very reasonable and do-able
solution to the “not-enough-time” problem. Children, as we know, will
always crave their parents’ attention and companionship. Yet, just a little
regular one-on-one time with parents can satisfy those needs. Because for
children, it’s not the quantity of time, it’s the frequency and the quality
of time that matters most. Ask a child what kind of time they like the best
with their Mom or Dad, and they’ll tell you: “Time when it’s just the two
of us, time when Mom or Dad only pays attention to me and time when we get
to just play and have fun!”
Making plans to share a few minutes every day or so to play with their
children reassures parents that they don’t have to break the “time bank” or
somehow find an extra hour in the day to meet their children’s needs.
Instead, they can use these few moments to loosen up and focus solely on
their child. Dedicating these brief but precious occasions to enjoy each
other’s company means so much to children that many families have come to
call it their Special Time routine.
What makes one-on-one time so valuable?
Children treasure Special Time because it gives them the answers
they’ve been looking for: “Special Time is when my Mom can give me her
attention.” “Special Time is when my Dad will play with me.” “Special Time,
basically, is when I can count on my Mom or Dad to give me all their
attention.”
Making Special Time as much a part of the family routine as baths, pajamas
and dinner relieves children from the pressure of trying to tease, beg or
“act up” to get their parents’ attention. When children learn they can
count on Special Time, they are freed from the uncertainty that
makes it so difficult to practice the patience they need to wait their
turn.
Parents also come to value Special Time as they see the benefits for
themselves and their family as a whole. The time that used to feel wasted
by children’s problem behavior is better spent enjoying good times together. The more familiar the new routine becomes, the less
time is taken up by whining, fussing and interrupting. Moms and Dads are
pleased to discover how willingly their children accept the disappointment
of, “Not now, I’m too busy,” when they are reminded, “That’s something we
can do later during our Special Time.”
The true meaning of Special Time
Both parents and children come to treasure Special Time together
when they experience its deeper purpose. When parents dedicate a few
precious minutes of the day to make Special Time part of the family
routine, they communicate to their children how much they value them. Moms
and Dads also appreciate how Special Time reminds them that being
a parent is a great joy, as well as a big responsibility. Special Time
gives both adults and children time to relax and enjoy each other’s company
– which we can all agree is time well spent.
So, how can you get started incorporating Special Time into your
family’s routines? Below are a few tips to make Special Time easier:
-
Start small
. You can almost always find five minutes. Whenever you have more
time, you can choose to expand it to 10-20 minutes. -
Put your child in charge.
Special Time requires no adult prepping! Your only task during
Special Time is to relax and enjoy being with your child.
Your kids get to say whether they want to drive cars on the floor
with you, hang out coloring together or just sit outside and
stargaze and chat in the dark. -
Set a timer.
The bell is the “boss” that determines when Special Time ends.
Jealous siblings quickly learn to wait their turn patiently when
they see how the timer allots the time fairly and equally for all. -
Alternate days and/or people
. Two-parent families may alternate who does Special Time
each day. Multiple-child families may divide the days accordingly.
The longer children wait their turn, the kinder it is to offer them
a slightly longer period for their Special Time. -
Make it part of your daily routine
.
“Mommy, I know you’re busy. Can you do this with me at Special
Time?”
“Yep, we’ll do Special Time after dinner just like always.”
-
Relax expectations
. For this brief time, take a break from teaching and correcting.
If she wants to cheat on Candyland, then maybe today is just one of
those days when she really needs to win. You can resume teaching
good lessons about playing by the rules after Special Time is over. -
Make it unconditional
. Refrain from offering Special Time as a reward or withholding it
as a punishment. You wouldn’t ask your children to earn your love,
so don’t make them earn their Special Time. For misbehaving
children, Special Time often hits the reset button, allowing
unhappy kids and parents to reconnect again in a positive way. -
Don’t worry when you can’t do it for a while
. You can always pick up where you left off and resume making
Special Time part of the routine again.
Staying connected in a busy world
It’s true for both children and adults, that L-O-V-E is spelled T-I-M-E.
When most of the time parents and children spend together is filled with
the necessary busyness of daily life, it’s easy for family relationships to
fray and feel less connected. Scheduling just a few minutes of Special Time
every day or so is the answer. Families thrive when they create Special
Times for fun, laughter and love on a regular basis.
