How to Talk to Children About Death

How to Talk to Children About Death

Once friends and relatives left after paying their respects, Travis’ mother
took him and his brother to the casket that held the body of their
great-grandfather. Travis’ mother took time to answer questions from her
sons. She shared the family’s beliefs concerning what happens after death.
The funeral director gently offered to answer any remaining questions.
Travis, confused by the split casket lid that covered the lower half of his
great-grandfather’s body, looked up and wondered, “Where are Pop-Pop’s
feet?”

Find Teachable Moments

As parents, we like to protect our children from hard things. We would like
their lives to be rainbows and lollipops for as long as possible. However,
death is a part of life. Children develop healthy, appropriate responses to
death when parents are honest about death.

When your preschooler asks about the dead squirrel in the street that was
hit by a car, speak honestly. If your child comes across a dead bird,
explain that it is dead. Tell them that the bird cannot breathe or move or
eat anymore, as it did when it was alive. Share that when animals die, room
is made for new living creatures. If a pet goldfish dies, rather than
replace it in hopes that your child does not notice, allow them to
experience the loss. Trust that although they may be sad, they are also
resilient.

Use Clear, Simple Terms

Our society is uncomfortable with death. We have many euphemisms for it.
When speaking with young children, avoid saying things like, “Grandpa went
to sleep,” as that could make children fearful of sleep, or “We lost
Grandpa,” as the word “loss” may confuse a young child who understands
things literally. Use terms like “die” and “death.” While these words may
sound harsh, they are appropriate for young children’s developmental stage.

Similarly, saying “Grandma had a heart attack” might lead a child to think
someone “attacked” Grandma’s heart. If you are not sure your child
understands the medical terms you use, ask them to explain what your words
mean. If they cannot, then try simpler terms.

Involve Your Child

If a neighbor dies, invite your child to help make a meal for the family.
If a pet frog dies, invite them to create a ritual. They might decorate a box
for the frog to be placed in before it is buried. If a family member dies,
describe the ceremonies in which your family will take part. Ask her if they
would like to attend a celebration. If they do, choose an adult who is
available and willing to take them home if they wish to leave early. Never
force a child to attend if they do not want to.

Allow the child to create their own traditions, too. They may want to plant
Grandma’s favorite flower or play Grandma’s favorite game. They might want
to bake the cookies Grandma liked. Whatever they choose to do could become
a way to celebrate future anniversaries of the death.

Make Grieving OK

Adults often hesitate to show children their grief. Susan Wilensky, a
Bereavement Counselor at Montgomery Hospice, notes that one of the best
things parents can do for their children is to deal with their own grief.
She wants parents to know that it is OK for children to see you cry. They
will see that eventually you will also laugh and play. Be sure to talk
about the person who died, even if you cry when you do. That will let your
child know that it is OK to share their own memories of the person, even if
they cry when they do, too. Sharing memories together is healthy and
healing.

Know that Children Grieve Differently

Wilensky notes that adults hold their grief and process it, whereas
children go in and out of their grief more fluidly. Joey might ask about
Grandpa very intensely one moment, and then, in the next, he is off
running, playing and laughing. This is normal for a child and is not reason
for concern.

Also, while many adults like to talk through their grief, children often
work through their grief with projects. Maria may want to decorate a
special box in which to keep special items that belonged to her brother,
such as his favorite baseball card, his toy car and a favorite marble. John
may want to make a collage of pictures of himself with his Grandpa.

Get Help for Your Own Grief

Losing a parent, a spouse, a child or another loved one can be
overwhelming. You may not feel that you can be there in the way you would
like to be for your child and their grief. If that is the case, remember to
reach out for help. During this time, it’s OK to rely on relatives, friends
and neighbors for support. Ask a friend to take your child out for pizza or
a trip to the library or the park once a week so you can have some free
time. Your child will experience the support from another adult in their
life. Take the time you need for your own grief. Contact a therapist or
reach out to one of the twenty organizations in this area that offer grief
support, including the Wendt Center (Washington, DC), Montgomery Hospice
(Montgomery County, MD) and Capital Caring (Northern Virginia).

Travis was relieved when the funeral director lifted the bottom of the
casket lid to reveal that Pop-Pop’s feet were, indeed, still there. Before
Travis saw his great-grandfather’s body in the casket, his parents talked
honestly about death whenever it came up. Travis had learned that his
parents were “askable” parents. Travis had cuddled with his parents as they
read picture books after his cat died. He was told what to expect before
the funeral home visit. He was able to move through his grief, thanks to
his parents’ willingness to be honest, clear and respectful. They
themselves grieved and provided the space for Travis’ grief and questions,
too.

Resources: Books for Grieving Children (Recommended by Montgomery Hospice)

“When Dinosaurs Die” by Laurene Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
“Double-Dip Feelings: Stories to Help Children Understand Emotions” by
Barbara S. Cain
“My Grandpa Died Today” by Joan Fassler
“Poppy’s Chair” by Karen Hesse
“A Terrible Thing Happened” by Margaret M. Holmes
“When Someone Dies” by Sharon Greenlee
“When My Mommy Died” and “When My Daddy Died” by Janice M. Hammond
“Annie and the Old One” by Miska Miles
“Don’t Despair on Thursdays” by Adolph Moser
“The Saddest Time” by Norma Simon
“Badger’s Parting Gifts” by Susan Varley
“The Tenth Good Thing about Barney” by Judith Viorst

Originally published: 05-01-17

Updated: 11-25-22

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