A few short years ago, you and your daughter had an unbreakable bond. You
hung out in your jammies watching the latest Disney Channel movie. You
snuggled under the covers on Sunday mornings, giggling about nothing. You
painted her nails and she painted yours, even though the nail polish ended
up all over your skin (and some on the carpet)!
And then, as soon as she blew out the candles on her 12th
birthday cake, that changed. Now, she can’t stand being in the same room
with you and demands that you “get out of her life” if you make an innocent
inquiry about her day. Her constant complaining, addiction to taking
selfies and emotional temper tantrums are reminiscent of her toddler days,
making it difficult to have a relationship with her.
Rebellion is a teen’s job
Don’t worry. She’s perfectly normal. In fact, this type of pulling away is
necessary as she grows into adulthood, says Dr. Lisa Damour, psychologist
and best-selling author of “Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls through the
Seven Transitions into Adulthood.” Through her research and clinical
experience, Damour has identified seven stages that teenage girls go
through as they mature. These transitional stages occur in a specific
sequence and several of them happen simultaneously, making the adolescent
years even more tumultuous. Here’s a brief description of what to expect
during each transition:
Parting with Childhood
Teens begin pulling away from their parents and start leaving childlike
behaviors behind. Rather than playing with Barbies or cuddling with their
stuffed animals, girls begin to try out more mature behavior. They may
start to experiment with swearing, dress more proactively and explore their
feelings by talking (or texting) with friends for long periods of time.
While some of these behaviors might seem alarming, it’s all part of healthy
development. Girls are learning to be independent while having a safety net
at home to help them when they ask for guidance or make a mistake.
Joining a New Tribe
As girls move into the teenage years, they begin to replace their
relationships with Mom and Dad (and possibly siblings) with relationships
with a group of peers. A girl’s social life is imperative to her navigation
of adolescence and she wants to be part of a social group of which she can
feel proud. Most of the time, social groups are shaped by interests,
academic achievement, social status, personal worth and risk-taking. Being
popular may become more important to your teenager as she navigates her way
into a suitable peer group. This can be a smooth transition or one fraught
with doubts, fears and an abundance of stress.
Harnessing Emotions
Young girls’ emotions are in constant flux and they erupt quickly and
intensely. Much of what is going on is physiological. As the limbic system
of the brain grows during this time, it heightens the brain’s emotional
reactivity. Parents, especially moms, become their daughter’s emotional
stomping ground. Girls dump their most uncomfortable feelings on their
parents, often complaining bitterly and showing the worst sides of
themselves so that they can give their best at school and in other social
environments.
The best thing a parent can do during these emotional times is to listen.
Don’t try to fix things, just listen. When you’re not sure how to respond,
ask your daughter, “Do you need my help with this or do you just need to
vent?” Usually, they just want to be heard and will close their ears to
guidance they did not ask for themselves.
Contending with Adult Authority
Around the age of 11, children develop the capacity for abstract thinking.
Instead of viewing the world in concrete terms, they begin to have the
ability to make inferences and reflect upon their own thinking. This is the
time when they start to learn that adults are fallible, can lie and can be
unfair. Teenagers begin to ask the question, “If adults aren’t perfect,
then why should I listen to their lectures?” and “Why do I have to do
whatever adults say when that’s not what’s best for me?” Teens begin to
question the warnings and threats of authority figures and this can be
misinterpreted as rebellious behavior.
Planning for the Future
Children’s desire for independence starts to kick into high gear when they
reach the teenage years. Girls no longer want to do whatever their parents
expect of them. In fact they will often do the opposite, just for the sake
of rebelling. One mom wanted to support her daughter’s interest in music so
she gave her a gift certificate for singing lessons. Shortly after, her
daughter suddenly announced that she was no longer interested in music. The
gift voucher is still sitting on her desk, unused. For the moment, the
instinctive drive to “show her mom who’s the boss” outweighed dreams of
getting into Juilliard or the Berklee College of Music one day. Teens want
to make their own independent decisions even if they don’t understand the
consequences of their actions.
Entering the Romantic World
This is probably the scariest of developmental tasks for parents, but it
doesn’t have to be wrought with angst. If you have opened the lines of
communication from an early age, the dialogue about relationships is an
ongoing discussion. If talking about relationships has been minimal, it’s
best to start in a general, non-threatening way before delving into
specific questions concerning your daughter. Talk to your teen about her
inner compass – her thoughts, values and beliefs – whenever possible and
guide her to follow that compass when making decisions about relationships.
Caring for Herself
We want our daughters to make smart decisions about their own health and
safety. We’ve spent more than a decade teaching them how to eat
nutritiously, exercise daily, manage personal hygiene and stay out of
harm’s way. During this final transitional stage, girls take everything we
have taught them and become fully responsible for their self-care choices.
If she doesn’t shower as often as you’d like or if her diet consists of
fast food, those decisions are not something you can control any longer.
Lecturing is not an effective tool for changing behavior at this age, so
beware when your teen nods and seems to agree. Girls can maintain eye
contact and nod their heads for long periods of time, even when they have
stopped listening or wholeheartedly disagree with what we are saying.
Recognizing these seven transitional stages can help you cope with teen
behavior that is at times baffling or even infuriating. Above all, remember
not to take it personally. It’s not about you or your mother/daughter
relationship. It’s about your daughter growing up and working through the
developmental stages that will equip her for independence as a young adult.
