Spiders. Darkness. Thunderstorms. Although childhood fears are common, the good news is they offer an opportunity to learn lifelong skills to manage stress. Here are a few ways to help your child navigate their fears.
Mindful Listening:
While your child’s fear may seem irrational to you, to them it seems quite real. Rather than telling them, “That’s silly to feel that way,” an empathetic statement such as, “I know that can feel scary to you” will help build understanding. To further understanding, ask questions such as, “What makes a spider seem scary to you?” However, find a balance between discussing their fear and dwelling on it, as focusing on it too much can have a magnifying effect. Statements such as, “Let’s find ways to get through this together” will help you move forward, along with showing your support.
Body awareness:
When your child is frightened, they’re likely focused on anxious thoughts. Directing their attention from their mind to their body will help bring their attention to the present moment. For instance, ask them to notice where their body connects to the surface beneath them, whether they’re sitting or lying down. Encourage them to relax into those points of contact, as if their body is very heavy. They can even imagine Earth’s gravity holding them securely in place. You can also ask them to focus on their breathing, noticing the coolness of the air as they breathe in and its warmth as they breathe out. If they have a favorite stuffed animal, they can hold it on their belly and notice its movement with each breath they take.
Reframing:
If your child has a tendency for catastrophizing, or imagining worst-case scenarios, try to help them reframe their thoughts. For instance, let’s say they’re afraid of traveling on high bridges, imagining themselves falling into the water below. Ask them to place all their attention on what they see – and nothing else, noticing the bridge is tall, silver-colored and shiny. They can also focus on the bridge’s architecture, noting the shapes of the steel supports and rivets, as if they’re traveling through a giant LEGO sculpture. So, rather than thinking “tall” and then “scary,” their attention is fully engaged in a visual experience. In the case of a childhood fear of thunderstorms, encourage them to focus on sounds – noticing “loud” during the claps and “quiet” in the spaces between the claps.
The techniques of body awareness and reframing both encourage a focus on what they’re experiencing with their senses (feeling, seeing, hearing), rather than on what they’re imagining. For more serious childhood fears, consider getting support from a professional who specializes in treating phobias. Above all, have patience as your child learns to navigate their fears. Like learning any new skill, it’s a process that takes time.
Joy Rains is a corporate mindfulness trainer and author of Meditation Illuminated: Simple Ways to Manage Your Busy Mind. Learn more at joyrains.com.
Liam McCrickard holds a B.A. in creative and professional writing from Goucher College. He is former assistant editor at Washington Parent. He works as a freelance designer, writer and editor of tabletop role-playing games.
Joy Rains, author of the primer Meditation Illuminated: Simple Ways to Manage Your Busy Mind, discovered meditation in the mid-1980s. After decades of practice and inspired by meditation’s profound benefits, she completed an extensive Contemplative Leadership course and began teaching meditation in the community and workplace. Joy’s podcast, Mindful 180, helps people integrate mindful practices into their lives. www.joyrains.com
