School shootings are no longer as rare as they once were, and each one brings a wave of sadness, worry and heartbreak for adults and children alike. Parents are often challenged with how to guide and comfort their children who may have heard about a shooting, and many feel unsure whether to bring it up at all. The truth is, if parents don’t talk to children and help them process their reactions, others will provide information that may not be accurate or useful.
Tips for talking with your children about school shootings
- Pause and think through the big messages you want to send your children about school shootings. Talk it over ahead of time with friends, partners or family, and choose your words carefully. Be sure you are feeling calm and don’t convey big emotions that might concern children.
- Find out what your child already knows. Ask if they have heard about what happened before launching into an explanation.
- Tell them that you and everyone else has had thoughts and feelings about the shooting, and share what you have been struggling with (“I felt sad most of the day,” or “I wish shootings didn’t happen in our country”). Then describe how you coped with your feelings (“I decided to call my friend and talk it over,” or “I went for a long walk in the park just to feel fresh air on my face”). Role-model talking about emotions and self-care. Send messages about sharing feelings and don’t discourage whatever feelings come up.
- Reassure children that there is no “one way” to feel. We all have lots of different feelings and they are all okay to have. One important message is that they can talk about or show their feelings to people they trust. Make sure they know that you are there at any time for any questions they may have. Weekly family meetings can help if time permits. Kids have so many worries, and it is important they know what to do with them. Families can hold difficult emotions together rather than letting any one person suffer in isolation.
- This is not the time to talk politics. Simply state that sometimes people make bad choices and may not be thinking clearly. Even though we hear about school shootings when they happen, most schools are very safe, and teachers and school staff are working hard to keep everyone safe. Reassure children that people care and are trying to solve problems so that shootings don’t occur. Remind children that their schools likely have emergency plans in place, and ask them to tell you what they have already learned about staying safe in a crisis.
- Don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know,” because in this case it is absolutely true. We don’t always know what causes people to make these kinds of choices.
- Answer questions with honesty and at the developmental level of the child.
- Spend some time talking about self-care. You might even make a cheat sheet together listing who their trusted adults are at school, what to do if they notice something that worries them, and how to confirm their school has emergency plans in place. If plans are not in place, you may need to advocate for that.
- Monitor news and TV time. It is better for children not to be exposed to graphic images or extended coverage of a tragedy.
- Whenever possible, talk about how communities come together after a tragedy — how the police helped, how neighbors supported one another, how people honor the victims and how much care goes to the families involved.
In the aftermath of any tragedy, all of us need to take care of ourselves and each other, in our families, in our communities, in our religious institutions, in nature or wherever you find hope and optimism for a better world. As we are all very aware, children are already experiencing anxiety, depression and despair from the many stressors in their lives. If your child cannot be comforted, if their worries cause them to stop doing normal activities, if they cannot sleep or are isolating out of fear, please seek consultation from a mental health professional.
It is important to hold your children close right now. Be patient. They may need repeated reassurance, extra hugs or extra time. If your children have had direct experiences that are traumatic, be especially sensitive to the fact that a new event may trigger memories of those past experiences. Even when the type of trauma is different, feelings of fear, anxiety and confusion can serve as a bridge to other such experiences. Children who have been previously traumatized may have stronger reactions and need extra support for longer periods of time.
Related
10 Ways to Help Your Kids When the World Feels Scary
Tips on Talking to Children About Their Worries and Concerns
The Power of Patience: Helping Your Child Regulate Strong Emotions
Eliana Gil, Ph.D., RPT-S, ATR is founding partner of Gil Institute for Trauma Recovery and Education in Fairfax, Va. The mental health practice is a community of professionals dedicated to providing research-informed, trauma-focused treatment to children, adolescents and adults.
