As children grow up and leave home, the shift from admonishing screen time to eagerly awaiting a text or call is an almost universal experience for parents. With my three young adult children spread across different time zones, screens became my lifeline to their worlds. But I yearned for more than the weekly phone call I remembered giving my own parents. Through conversations with friends and family, I discovered that a little creativity and intentionality utilizing those often-dreaded screens can bridge any distance between parents and their young adult children.
Keeping in Touch
Long gone are the days of weekend “long-distance” calls to save money. Today, unlimited plans and messaging apps eliminate financial barriers to staying connected. “I stay in touch with my kids via a text group,” says a friend with four adult children. “Because it’s not parent-directed, I can wait to see their responses to one another before weighing in.”
While texts offer convenience, audio and video messaging provide richer interactions, enabling us to read our child’s mood and motivation. “Audio-based mobile apps like Voxer and video-based ones like Marco Polo allow you both to ask/answer questions, tell stories, share reminders, and funny anecdotes in a way that’s simple, fun and clear,” writes Philip Daniel de Jesús in Parent Cue. Video calls, like cooking sessions via FaceTime, create fun opportunities to bond, like when my friend in Maryland and her daughter in California use it to virtually cook favorite recipes together.
Sharing Daily Life
Smartphone apps offer endless ways for families to share experiences. If you share musical tastes, creating a joint playlist fosters discussions and mutual discovery. Families share music libraries through services such as Spotify, Apple Music or Amazon Prime Music. “My son is more plugged into online resources for music than I am, so I make a point of asking him to share his playlist to bring me up to speed on what’s new and interesting,” shared one friend, highlighting the bonding over shared interests.
I became exposed to my now favorite podcast host, Mel Robbins, after my youngest daughter shared a link to one of Robbins’ episodes in our family chat. Similarly, sharing digital books or audiobooks deepens our connections through shared reading (check your local library for the availability of free digital e-book service).
Creating virtual photo albums through online services such as Google Drive, Flickr, or FamilyAlbum can be a fun and easy way to share photos following family events or vacations or even to upload pictures from when your kids were growing up. I also enjoy screenshotting Facebook or Google photo memories that pop up for me daily and posting them to our family chat for us all to reminisce.
While visiting a friend in New Jersey, I observed how she interacts daily with her adult children in New York and Colorado through the BeReal
app. At a random time each day, everyone in their private family group receives a notification that it’s time to “be real” by taking an unfiltered, unedited and unscripted photo of what they are doing in that instant. They enjoyed daily insights into each other’s lives, sparking conversations and keeping them connected across states.
Competing Across the Miles
Did your family hold regular game nights? Many families continue the tradition using gaming consoles, video apps or websites. The website Down for a Cross enables families to work collaboratively on the same crossword puzzle, including the daily New York Times daily puzzle. A friend’s extended family challenge one another by posting their daily Wordle, Quordle, and Octordle scores to a shared Google Drive document to crown daily, weekly and monthly champions. “With siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents, our participants range in ages from 14 to 82,” she shares.
Apps such as Strava or MapMyRide or MapMyRun enable parents and their adult kids to boost their connection and health at the same time by tracking their cycling and running achievements, even offering opportunity for virtual competitions.
Embracing Their Expertise
Admitting to needing tech help from our children isn’t a sign of weakness but is rather a way to strengthen bonds and increase our children’s capability bucket – at least that’s what I tell myself every time I reach out for their expertise. Remotely, my kids have helped me take advantage of new settings on my computer or network and repair the programing on my Excel spreadsheets that I’ve managed to mess up, while in-person visits have provided the opportunity for my son to set up my soundbar and Wi-Fi extender and show me handy new phone settings. His assistance not only solves technical issues but also fosters a sense of connection and mutual learning.
“As technological challenges become an increasing part of daily life, our children become de facto IT consultants,” says the Parent Encouragement Program’s Robyn DesRoches. “Drawing on their expertise without either feeling defensive about or overstating our comparative lack of know-how can be an important way of calling attention to the behaviors (such as problem-solving) we want to encourage and building their sense of capability.”
Setting Boundaries
Of course, inundating our launched adults with technological connections may push them in the opposite direction, so mutually respectful guidelines around electronic communication are essential. What’s too late or early to text or call? Should audio and video calls be scheduled by text first? I’ve been told by my kids that leaving voice messages is “out,” so does that mean an unanswered call with no message left will be returned? Is some information or conversation off limits for texting? How much is too much?
What about social media posts – what’s okay to share and what’s off-limits? “I have found that most kids who are active on social media can be fairly protective of their online presence, so if this is something you want to try, have a conversation about where they would feel comfortable connecting with you and set some ground rules,” writes ParentCue’s Philip Daniel de Jesús.
And then there’s the debate around extending the electronic umbilical cord through sharing locations. Consider their privacy concerns regarding location sharing, respecting their boundaries to build trust and maintain healthy relationships. While apps like Find My and Life 360 can be used productively, when abused as a substitute for proper communication, they may harm the parent-child relationship that we are working so hard to build.
Modeling Behavior
Respecting our children’s boundaries around technology while also communicating our own is a primary way of demonstrating proper technology etiquette.
“Just as grownups model mature behavior in other aspects of our lives, we have to do that in the digital world, too,” says Jordan Shapiro, Ph.D., nonresident fellow at the Brookings Institution and author of The New Childhood. “Young people are living their social lives in ways that cannot be disconnected from the online world. And what they need to thrive is to see their parents modeling good values, etiquette and digital behaviors,” he adds.
My informal research showed me many ways I can use technology to bridge physical distances and strengthen bonds despite the miles apart. Of course, none of it replaces the good old-fashioned unexpected phone call.
In fact, if you’re reading this, kids, call your mom.
Robbye Fox, LMSW, is a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program and the mom of three adults and mom-in-law to two more. She also works as a psychotherapist for Four Corners Counseling, where she focuses on supporting tweens, teens and adults as they face life’s challenges and transitions.
