At age 55 I had always considered myself healthy and strong. But my family’s world was turned upside down when what doctors had assumed was a pinched nerve in my back turned out to be Stage 4 lung cancer. A three-month stay in the hospital was the beginning of a fight that continues today. As my husband and I struggled with our own uncertainty and fear, we sought advice from experts on how and how much to tell our youngest child, then age 11. Seeking counsel from child psychologists Dr. Nicole Carville and Dr. Taren Coley, I explore in this article how parents can navigate these challenging conversations and offer their children the support they need during a parent’s serious illness.
As a parent I try my best to be open and honest with my children, but when something as scary as cancer rears its head, it may be tempting to downplay the situation. However, Dr. Coley says, “My number one piece of advice is to be both honest and age-appropriate in your communication with your child. Reassure them that they are loved and that they will continue to receive care and support. Creating an open environment where they feel comfortable asking questions and expressing their emotions is key to helping them process the situation.”
It can be hard to find the right time to approach your child with this difficult subject matter. Dr. Nicole Carville suggests finding a suitable time without pressure or distractions. “Some children might find it easier to talk without direct eye contact,” Carville says. If that’s the case, going on a walk together or a drive might provide a good atmosphere for an open and honest conversation.
With serious illness will come serious emotions. Try to find a time to talk to your child when you are both calm. Says Carville, “Start by asking what they already know about the illness and provide small, basic pieces of information. Offer them the opportunity to ask questions and ensure the information is clear and straightforward. Discuss any upcoming changes, such as someone else picking them up due to an appointment.”
The age of the child or children dictates much of the conversation. “Younger children need brief and simple explanations, and using books and stories can be very helpful. For primary-aged children, you can offer slightly more information, with books still being a valuable resource. Teens, who have more developed cognitive skills, can handle more detailed information, and it may be useful to direct them to appropriate websites for further content.” advises Dr. Carville. Dr. Coley adds that a child’s chronological age and emotional maturity are not always equal, so it is important to tailor the information to the individual child.
A very helpful tool that can benefit both parents and children is therapy. During my illness I was lucky enough to find Wonders and Worries, a nonprofit that provides free, professional support to children and teenagers during a parent’s serious illness or injury. By reaching out to your own friends, coworkers and family you should be able to find professional help for yourself and your child. Says Dr. Coley, “Therapy can be incredibly valuable for children navigating the emotional challenges of a parent’s serious illness. In therapy, children have a safe space to express their feelings, process their experiences and develop coping strategies. A therapist can help them manage their emotions and address any behavioral changes, while also offering guidance to both the child and the family on how to handle the situation effectively.”
In my own journey through cancer I have tried my best to keep my youngest child’s routine as predictable as possible. Of course, there may always be a wrench thrown in just when you think you have all your ducks in a row. Dr. Carville agrees that consistency is crucial during uncertain times. She says, “Everyone has some level of intolerance for uncertainty, which can cause anxiety. Children cope better when they can predict what will happen, and consistent routines help provide that sense of stability.”
Talking with children about a parent’s serious illness can seem almost as scary as the illness itself. It helps to remember that you have been building a loving and strong relationship with your child all along, and an illness cannot take that away. By being open and honest, you can help them navigate this difficult time with strength and hope.
Teacher and writer Jill Morgenstern was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in January 2024. She is a mother to four and has a master’s degree in teaching reading.
Liam McCrickard holds a B.A. in creative and professional writing from Goucher College. He is former assistant editor at Washington Parent. He works as a freelance designer, writer and editor of tabletop role-playing games.
Jill Morgenstern is a teacher and Jewish Sunday school teacher. She has four children and a Master’s Degree in teaching reading.
