The WHAT
There are some key steps to take before starting the conversation:
- Ensure that you are emotionally and mentally prepared.
- Investigate your own feelings about your ND child’s or teen’s diagnosis; come to accept and understand your child’s neurotype (a.k.a. diagnosis) to ensure you don’t convey disappointment or pity.
Plan and practice what language you will use to describe the diagnosis and your child’s brain. Ensure that your language is factual and accessible to your child. Also explain that a particular diagnosis can look very different in different people, because all brains are different.
The HOW
- Consider your child’s language level and emotional maturity: Use language that is simple, clear and accessible.
- Keep the explanations simple: Explain only one or two elements of their brain/diagnosis at a time, so the information is digestible and not overwhelming.
- Connect to a real experience: Use a real-life experience that can help them see what their brain differences look like in the world.
- Consider your child’s attention span: Follow your child’s signs of wanting more or being done with the chat.
- Pay attention to the condition of their nervous system: Find a time when their brain and body are as regulated as possible.
- Ensure they understand; give them time and space to ask questions: You can ask them to share what they learned about their brain; gently correct any misunderstandings and answer any questions.
These sentence frames can be helpful to help kids understand their brains in a nonjudgmental way.
- “All brains work differently; it’s really easy for your brain to _____ and it’s harder for your brain to _____.”
- “Your brain loves _____ and it has a hard time with _____.”
- “Your brain feels good when ____ and feels bad when ____.”
- If they have siblings, use their sibling’s brain as an example of a different brain, or use your own: “My/your brother’s/sister’s brain really struggles with ____, but your brain is really good at and really likes _____.”
- “When I get upset, what helps my brain feel better is _____. When you feel upset, what do you think makes your brain feel better?”
If they’re interested, explain some common behaviors or tendencies of others with their same diagnosis. For example, I told my son, “Lots of people with autistic brains are really good at remembering details that other people’s brains don’t remember. All autistic brains are different but many of them have that in common.”
What to Expect
The goal is to establish open and ongoing communication. There are predictable things to expect, which will vary depending on the way your child’s brain processes information. Here is a list of some things that might happen after the initial conversation:
- The same questions over and over: For many ND brains, this is how they process information, so just calmly repeat the same answers.
- Misunderstanding: It’s helpful to ask them to explain it back to you to see if they understand. Address the misunderstandings factually and calmly.
- Playfulness: Playing and silliness around the diagnosis is also common. When Max’s older brother was 5, I explained Max’s diagnosis to help him understand why his brother acted differently from his friends’ siblings. A few days later, he showed me what he added to my shopping list: “Toilet Paper, Poop, Autism.” ! I jokingly explained to him that we can’t pick up poop or autism at the store, but we laughed together about how that would be silly if we could.
- Rejection: This is more common among older kids or kids who are highly focused on fitting in. If your child is upset about it, highlight their brain’s strengths and superpowers, and help them identify what “charges their battery” so their brain feels good.
- MANY short conversations: Find many opportunities to note how your ND child’s/teen’s brain works, and how other people’s brains work. You can also use characters from books, shows or movies.
- Frequent, nonchalant mentions of brains: Normalize noting what helps our brains and upsets them, modeling how brains can advocate for what they need.
Final Thoughts
Envision these conversations as ways to provide comfort and reassurance that it’s okay that some things feel hard for your ND child/teen. Validate their feelings about their brains and their diagnoses, even if they have a negative association with it. You can say, “I know it feels hard when your brain has a hard time with _____. I know you wish it were easier. I get it.” Then give them a hug or whatever else will help them feel safe and secure and appreciated for who they are. Once you start the process it will feel better and your child will be on the road to better self-understanding!
Jen Dryer, M.A., is a professional member of the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP), a parent coach for parents and educators of neurodivergent children, and co-founder of Raising Orchid Kids (raisingorchidkids.com), which offers classes, coaching and resources for parents of neurodifferent kids. For more information about PEP’s resources for parents, including online classes and on-demand videos, visit PEPparent.org.
Related:
Talking to Your Neurodivergent Child About Their Diagnosis: Part 1 – The Why and When
RESOURCES ON NEURODIVERSITY
Books about Autism/ADHD/Neurodiversity:
They All Saw a Cat by Brendan Wenzel
Benji, the Bad Day and Me by Sally J. Pla
My Brother Charlie by Holly Robinson Peete
How to Build a Hug by Amy Guglielmo
Nathan’s Autism Spectrum Super Powers by Lori Leigh Yarborough
Andy and His Yellow Frisbee by Mary Thompson
I See Things Differently: a First Look at Autism by Pat Thomas
My Brain is a Race Car: A Children’s Guide to a Neurodivergent Brain by Nell Harris
The Survival Guide for Kids with ADHD by John F. Taylor
My Mouth is a Volcano by Julia Cook
Videos about Talking to Your Kids About Their Neurodivergence:
How to explain a diagnosis to your child
Respectful resources for talking about autism/neurodiversity
Other Articles:
Kids Flourish When They’re Taught How Their Brains Work
Do I Tell My Child About their Diagnosis?
Positive Parenting for Your Neurodiverse Child
Navigating Your Own ADHD Diagnosis in Adulthood
Printable Resources
Telling Your Child They’re Autistic created by Emily Hammond (aka NeuroWild)
Jen Dryer, M.A., is a professional member of the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and an educational consultant, parent advocate and coach for parents and educators of neurodiverse children (jendryer.com). For more information about PEP’s resources for parents, including online classes and on-demand videos, visit PEPparent.org.
