When my AuDHD (autistic + ADHD) son was 9, he asked me, “Mom, why does Zack get annoyed when I watch the same show over and over?” This was Max’s first query into how he moved through the world in a different way than his older brother did. I jumped on the opportunity, after patiently waiting for him to show some interest in how his brain worked differently than those of others around him.
I replied, “I know that can feel confusing for you and your brain. You have what’s called an autistic brain, and it’s common for autistic brains to love repeating things, because it feels comfortable and safe to know what to expect. Zack’s brain is not autistic, and his brain gets really bored and tired of watching the same thing over and over. His brain prefers to watch new things, and the new things feel more interesting to his brain. Isn’t that interesting how different brains like different things?”
This was the first of MANY conversations we have had about brains in general, and his in particular. Using “your brain” (or “your body”) language whenever it’s relevant shifts value judgment from seeing a child’s actions and behaviors as representative of their entire being and provides a window into understanding that many of our behaviors are reactions our brains and/or bodies have to stimuli in our environment.
Below you can find the why, when, what and how to help your neurodivergent (ND) child understand their brain and their diagnosis.
The WHY
Many parents feel reluctant to share their child’s diagnosis with them. Common thoughts that impede parents from doing so fall along the lines of:
- “My child will feel like they’re different, and it will hurt their self-esteem.”
- “My child will use the diagnosis as an excuse when things feel hard.”
- “I don’t want the world/my community/family/friends to know that my child is different.”
- “If they are labeled publicly, it can hurt their chances and opportunities for the future.”
These feelings and worries are real. It’s normal to want the road to be smooth and straightforward for your child, and embracing your child’s diagnosis recognizes that the road will involve many bumps, twists and turns, which can feel overwhelming.
Many ND adults have noted that as children they knew they were different before they learned about their diagnosis. Many ND adults who learned about their diagnosis later in life have expressed frustration over not knowing earlier, because they didn’t understand why so many things felt so much harder for them than for their peers. The energy they spent “masking” their ND traits to pretend to be more neurotypical took an enormous toll on their self-esteem, and for many caused significant anxiety.
ND kids’ differences are rarely lost on their classmates, no matter how adept they are at masking. ND kids need factual information about their diagnoses to counteract what their neurotypical peers may say and do. They deserve to understand and feel good about the way their brains work. They will greatly benefit from having the right tools to help their brains feel regulated and calm.
Few ND children have the wherewithal to actively use their diagnosis as an excuse. When an ND child struggles to do something we think they can/should be able to do, it’s key to step back and ask why. In his touchstone text, The Explosive Child, Ross Greene tells us that all kids do well when they can, and that when they’re not doing well, it’s a sign that they need more skills in that area or more support.
“Performance inconsistency” is also common for ND kids. Like those days when we haven’t slept well and are more irritable than usual, ND kids often have inconsistent levels of regulation (the state of feeling good in your body, mentally alert and calm). When their nervous systems are dysregulated, they are often unable to access skills they may have demonstrated earlier. It’s important to remember compassionately that their brains are already doing so much work just to be in a world not built for how their brains function.
We can choose to see diagnostic labels as helpful information. Neurodivergence via various diagnoses is not uncommon. The National Cancer Institute estimates that 15-20% of the world’s population is neurodivergent. That’s nearly 1 in 5 people, so it’s important to accept and normalize brain differences. A diagnosis gives you and your child useful insight into how their brain works, what therapies or supports might benefit them and better access to insurance coverage for supportive therapies. A diagnosis will not impede their ability to find success at school and in the world, but rather will give them the tools to better forge their path.
It’s empowering for ND kids to learn about how their brain works. When we help them identify what is easy and hard for their brain, we can help them find the tools to anticipate and navigate their big feelings when they get overwhelmed. They can develop self-compassion and increased self-advocacy skills, which are so important for helping them become more self-sufficient. When we help them reframe and reclaim their differences as simply a different way of seeing and being in the world, rather than “less than,” it can greatly improve their self-esteem, which is key to counteract anxiety.
Jerome Schultz noted in Scientific American, “when kids have a better understanding of the condition that affects their learning, they tend to have a better self-concept, and they are more likely to feel empowered and motivated to self-advocate. These keys unlock a child’s potential, resulting in better academic performance and better mental health.”
The WHEN and WHERE
Like sitting down with your kids to have “The Talk” about sex, it can feel intimidating to start “The Conversation” with your child about their diagnosis. There are a few signs of readiness to look for before starting:
- Are they showing signs of interest or curiosity about how they might be different?
- Are they developmentally able to understand the concept of their brain differences?
- Are they talking about how things at school feel too hard/boring/easy?
These are signs that your child is ready to begin the first of MANY conversations you will have about their diagnosis and their brain. When they’re ready, plan for the first conversation to be short and concise, with factual descriptions and free from judgment.
It’s helpful to have these discussions while doing a separate activity. This allows for a “third focus” other than you and your child, like walking the dog or doing a puzzle together. It will feel less intimidating for both of you to have an external focus during what may feel like a hard conversation.
The “right” age to have this conversation with your child varies. It’s really never too late or too early if they are showing the right signs of readiness. This might be age 3 for some kids who are asking about why their preschool classmates can draw a circle and they can’t. On the flip side, it might be age 13 for a child who has just begun exploring why they’re struggling socially. It will be helpful whenever you start the conversation.
Jen Dryer, M.A., is a professional member of the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP), a parent coach for parents and educators of neurodivergent children, and co-founder of Raising Orchid Kids, which offers classes, coaching and resources for parents of neurodifferent kids. For more information about PEP’s resources for parents, including online classes and on-demand videos, visit PEPparent.org.
Related:
Talking to Your Neurodivergent Child About Their Diagnosis: Part 2 – The What and How
Liam McCrickard holds a B.A. in creative and professional writing from Goucher College. He is former assistant editor at Washington Parent. He works as a freelance designer, writer and editor of tabletop role-playing games.
Jen Dryer, M.A., is a professional member of the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and an educational consultant, parent advocate and coach for parents and educators of neurodiverse children (jendryer.com). For more information about PEP’s resources for parents, including online classes and on-demand videos, visit PEPparent.org.
