Rebecca Novak woke up one Wednesday with a feeling. Whether it was sixth-sense intuition or garden variety anxiety, by the end of the day, she would make a life-changing decision to quit drinking.
The 39-year-old Wisconsin mother of two found the active lifestyle of her entrepreneur and politician husband, Jeremiah (J.B.), magnified her own lack of contributions outside their household. This laid the groundwork for her excessive drinking, coupled with a drinking culture taken to an extreme in a state that jokes: โDrink Wisconsinbly.โ
It started with a glass of wine while making dinner, then she started drinking at 3 p.m. while she thought about making dinner. โIt just kept getting earlier and earlier,โ Novak says. โThere were days when the kids would come home from school and I was already half in the bag.โ
Enter the pandemic and that fateful Wednesday. She was anxious and depressed and eventually curled into a ball on her kitchen floor. Her 10-year-old daughter, Lilly, knew just what to do. She grabbed a box of wine from the refrigerator and a wine glass and handed them to Novak, compassionately telling her, โI know this always makes you feel better.โ
That was an eye opener for Novak. โI thought, โWhat the [heck] am I doing?โโ
She dialed both grandmas and left a voicemail: โSomebody needs to come watch the kids. I think I have a problem.โ
A Friend in Need
When she wasnโt able to reach either grandma, she tried her friend Stacey, who had pulled her and another friend aside a few years earlier to tell them that she would support them if they ever decided to quit drinking. Stacey, a clinical therapist who does alcohol assessments for employers, answered her call.
Beverly Conyers, author of โAddict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, & Recovery,โ wishes sheโd had a Stacey in her life. โIโve thought about this a lot and I have often wished that someone had said to me, โYou know, have you ever looked at your own behavior and how that might be affecting your children?โโ Conyers says. โIโm not saying that would have been a magic bullet, but itโs so easy to fall into a pattern of behavior and you donโt even consider its impact.โ
Conyersโ youngest daughter struggled with heroin addiction in her 20s. Conyers reflected on what her own household was like while she raised three kids. โWe drank pretty much every day,โ she admits, โand we drank a lot. Itโs not like we were falling-down drunk, but I realized that my own parenting had elements of addiction. While I donโt believe anyone causes someone to become an addict, I do believe [my drinking] was a contributing factor.โ
Stacey helped Novak enter inpatient treatment at Hazelden Betty Ford. Treatment revealed Novak used alcohol to numb the pain of underlying issues and trauma, which Conyers says is common with addiction.
Drink Like a Mother
One doesnโt need to look far to find that popular sentiment supports a parentโs drinking habit. After all, arenโt kids the reason we drink? Variations of the same joke appear everywhere, making it difficult to assess whether you have a bona fide problem with alcohol or youโre merely indulging in well-earned โMommy Time.โ
Heather Hayes, supervisor of outpatient services for Hazelden Betty Ford in Naples, Fla., says drinking is normalized for women, particularly moms. โThe greatest gift I can give my children is to be a sober mother,โ Hayes says. โBeing a sober mom means Iโm available, and Iโm fully present when Iโm available. It doesnโt mean Iโm going to parent perfectly or even really well, but it means Iโm giving it my best.โ
Former binge drinker and sober mom for five years April OโLeary agrees. โThere [are] a lot of things I didnโt get to fully enjoy as a mom because if there wasnโt alcohol present, I was annoyed,โ she admits. โBy quitting, I get to be present for my kids.โ
OโLeary published โSober Moms, Happy Moms,โ featuring the stories of 12 moms who ditched drinking to be better parents. She was driven to share their stories after experiencing the power of moms supporting moms in her own life.
OโLeary suggests moms specifically have a responsibility to stay sober. โWhen we drink,โ she says, โweโre affecting little ones who have no choice but to be around us.โ
This heightened sense of responsibility can produce paralyzing shame. A few years ago, Conyers cofacilitated a treatment session for moms. โThese moms felt so much shame, whether it was the sense theyโd failed as a parent or they hadnโt protected their child enough,โ Conyers says. โShame is so deeply debilitating because it can make you feel like you donโt deserve any better and it can keep a person stuck in a cycle.โ
No Rock Bottom
There was no pivotal event that compelled Jen Vacek, 47, to quit drinking. The mother of three daughters in Duluth, Minn., was struggling on a run at the onset of the pandemic and recalled a fitness trainer had suggested no alcohol. Always a healthy eater, nixing alcohol and increasing her training led to a 40-pound weight loss.
Quarantine presented what Vacek calls the trifecta to quit, primarily to get healthier, but she also didnโt want to risk contracting COVID-19 to purchase nonessentials like alcohol. Plus she wondered if the stress of the pandemic could lead a harmless habit down the slippery slope of addiction. โIt was a quick decision,โ she admits. โI didnโt give it a lot of thought, although I knew it would change everything. I did, in the back of my mind, think, gosh, I donโt have a problem with alcohol, do I?โ
Vacek was wise to wonder. In September 2021, USA Today reported that 1 in 5 adults used alcohol to cope with pandemic stress. Drinking is just one of the addictive behaviors moms resorted to during the pandemic, including mindlessly scrolling, snacking, Netflix bingeing and online shopping. โAnything but face our deepest selves, our fears, our shortcomings and all the things weโve shoved down deep and avoided with the busyness of life,โ Vacek says.
Sober Success
Outside of the initial weeks when Vacek found herself absent-mindedly reaching for one of her husband Mattโs beers only to remember sheโd quit, it meant breaking a habit rather than overcoming an addiction for her. Her husband recently asked her if she misses it. Between the dramatic improvements to her health and her daughtersโ pride in her decision to quit, she doesnโt.
At a certain point during the interview with Rebecca Novak, she answers her front door and thereโs the telltale crumpling of cellophane wrapping as she thanks a delivery driver in the background. Did she just get flowers?
โToday is actually 23 weeks for me,โ Novak says. โThe last time I was sober was when I was pregnant, so I measure it in terms of pregnancy. Every week, J.B. adds one more flower delivered to me based on the week Iโm on. I look forward to Fridays because it means a flower delivery bigger than last weekโs.โ
Ready to Ditch the Drinking? Resources & Guidance
Mind/Body Connection
Beverly Conyers, author of โAddict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, & Recoveryโ (Hazelden Publishing, 2003; 2nd edition, 2021), acknowledges that substance abuse is an effort to escape our life as it is at the moment. Overcoming that requires figuring out what it is youโre trying to escape, then finding meaningful ways to address it. Conyers suggests yoga and meditation as healthy alternatives to drinking since both require full presence in our bodies and develop a mind/body connection.
Family history is a strong indicator of your own vulnerability to addiction, says Heather Hayes, supervisor of outpatient services for Hazelden Betty Ford in Naples, Fla. For those most vulnerable, never drinking is the surest way to dodge addiction. That advice comes too late for most moms. How do you determine if your drinking is an issue?
How Do You Determine if Your Drinking is an Issue?
Most of us consider external factors, known as โoutside troubleโ โ losing a job, going bankrupt, or getting a drunk driving ticket; basically hitting rock bottom due to alcohol use โ as concrete evidence of a problem, yet Hayes encourages readers to recognize that addiction is a continuum. You can also have whatโs called inside trouble, when you make reflections such as: I think about my drinking a lot; Iโm controlling my drinking; Iโm making rules about my drinking; Iโm feeling badly or uncertain about my drinking; Iโm looking forward to Friday night a little too much; Iโm arranging my life around alcohol.
Treatment
Treatment is as individualized as the continuum of addiction. Besides the most recognized program, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), other recovery options include inpatient treatment and online support groups. Beyond a Google search of options, a good place to start is the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) hotline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
April OโLeary, publisher of โSober Moms, Happy Momsโ (OโLeary Publishing, 2021), recommends AA as a free and effective service accessible to anyone. Go shopping for the group that fits you. โAA meetings can be a lot like trying to find a good church,โ OโLeary says. โThere are many groups and meetings within AA. Try a meeting to determine โDo I even belong here?โ and donโt be afraid to try another.โ
OโLeary also suggests this AA quiz to determine if your drinking is problematic:
aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer.
Local Resources
Washington DC Area AA: aa-dc.org
Aquila Recovery Center: aquilarecovery.com
Inova Hospital: inova.org
Al-Anon/Alateen (help for friends and family): al-anon-alateen-dcmd.org
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