Most of us, when we see an article or video about how we should spend more time with our kids, our immediate reaction is:
“But I don’t have extra time!” or “I’m with my kids all the time already.”
It’s true. We spend a lot of time caring for our kids. But sometimes, the demands of caregiving can take over, and we end up spending less quality time simply playing or being truly present with them. Side note: This isn’t to say that caregiving is any less important or valuable — it absolutely is.
The must-have gift: Your time
We’ve heard the sayings, “Time is money; Make every second count; Time is your most valuable asset.” Well, why not give our most important asset — our children — our most valuable one: quality time together.
Quality time with our children helps build stronger relationships with them, which is the foundation of a child’s emotional well-being. According to developmental psychologist Thomas Lickona, Ph.D., author of “Raising Kind Kids,” quality time together “strengthens a child’s attachment to us and increases our positive influence as parents.”
What is quality time and how do you do it?
Quality time is spending one-on-one time with your child. It could be a few minutes a day to half an hour or more. Most importantly, your child leads the activity. The idea is that your undivided attention is the most valuable thing you can give them, and when you let them take the lead, you are spending time getting to know them in their world.
How to get started with giving the gift of your time:
- Introduce the idea to your child and name it for younger children—like “Maya and Mommy Time” or “Together Time.” Let your child throw out ideas and choose together.
- Think about a time that works for everyone. Maybe 15 minutes before bedtime or every morning before school. The idea is that you’re building it into your schedule so it can be done consistently.
- Let your child dictate how you spend the time together—within reason. While you may not have time to bike to the park together, you could compromise and bike around the neighborhood.
Some basics about quality time:
- Don’t take it away as punishment. Sometimes a child that is “misbehaving” may be discouraged or looking for more attention from you. According to Jane Nelsen, author of “Positive Discipline,” when you least feel like giving your child attention is when they need it the most. Often when parents are feeling burned out is when our children need to feel connected. A child’s need for attention doesn’t disappear when a parent is overwhelmed; in fact, the child’s challenging behavior during these times could be a result of feeling disconnected.
- Give them your full attention. What if we treated our children like our coworkers? In a one-on-one meeting with a colleague, you wouldn’t look at your phone, check emails or watch what’s on TV!
- The time spent together doesn’t have to involve spending money. Some low cost and free activities include playing a board game, scootering or drawing. For older kids and teens, you could bike together or play cards. Check out the blog KidFriendly DC for tons of great ideas for free activities in the area where you can spend quality time with your kids.
What “quality” should look like:
- It’s active in listening. Active listening means to listen without judgment, don’t offer advice unless asked and use reflective listening.
- It’s active in engagement. While it is very easy to sit together and play video games or watch tv, try to do something that’s not screen related. It can be easy to tune out and not interact while using screens.
Quick quality time anyone can do
Consider quick quality time moments that can show that you care and love your child. Maybe it’s a secret handshake, a funny wink, song at bedtime or your joke of the day. Susan Stiffelman, MFT, says in “Parenting Without Power Struggles,” that “the best insurance policy parents can buy to ensure their children will grow up to be healthy and resilient is to forge and maintain strong emotional connections.”
So, while your socials may have you believe that you need to get your children the newest Labubu, more Pokemon cards, makeup from Sephora and a new phone, consider giving the gift of your time this holiday season and build some connections that can support and encourage your children for the rest of their lives!
Mindy Chong is the Associate Director at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, MD. For more information about classes, visit PEPparent.org.
Mindy Chong is the Associate Director at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, MD. For more information about classes, visit PEPparent.org.
Mindy Chong is the Associate Director at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, MD. For more information about classes, visit PEPparent.org.
