“I’ve always known our daughter wasn’t a ‘girly’ girl, but she – I mean, ‘they’ – told us they no longer identify as female. We are supposed to use they/them pronouns and they won’t respond to their given name. I don’t know what to do.”
This parent, like many parents we work with in our practice, was conflicted about how to parent her nonbinary child. While gender-nonconforming individuals have always been part of our social fabric, greater visibility and social acceptance have led to more people coming out as nonbinary or transgender. A recent poll found that approximately 35% of Gen Z knows someone who uses gender-neutral pronouns, and a study from the Williams Institute found that most nonbinary people are under the age of 30.
Parents play a critical role in bolstering their children as they navigate gender identity. But what does this mean if your child identifies as nonbinary?
Be Open to Learning
Getting clear on what nonbinary means, especially what it means for your child, is an essential first step. Nonbinary is an umbrella term that describes individuals who don’t exclusively identify as male or female. Under the umbrella, nonbinary can mean the person identifies as both male and female or neither male nor female, or that a person resides within a spectrum of genders. Some nonbinary people are transgender, some identify as queer and some do not. Some use gender-neutral pronouns, some do not. Nonjudgmentally asking your child what being nonbinary means to them is a great step. Here are some sample questions:
- “I’d love to hear more about what you’re discovering about yourself.”
- “Can you share what being nonbinary means to you?”
- “What pronouns feel most comfortable?”
It’s normal for identity and gender expression to fluctuate, so we encourage you to check in with your child and stay open.
It’s Okay to Have All the Feelings
For many parents, learning your child identifies as nonbinary can bring about a range of emotions. You may feel confused, sad, angry or even fearful about what this means for your child’s future. It is important to know that you are not a bad parent for having complicated feelings when your child comes out. However, it is vital that you manage these feelings and not burden your child with them. Seek support from a trusted friend, consider joining a group for parents of nonbinary children or seek mental health support from a therapist specializing in gender identity.
Create a Safe Environment
As a parent, you may have to perform double duty: processing your feelings while simultaneously supporting your child. One of the most important things you can do is foster a safe and supportive environment for your child, where they feel seen, understood and loved. Here are a few ways to start:
- Take the time to learn what it means to be nonbinary, including the challenges that nonbinary individuals face. This knowledge will help you better understand your child and enable better advocacy for them.
- Create a safe and inclusive environment at home. Use your child’s preferred name and pronouns and encourage open discussions about gender identity. Studies show that nonbinary youth in nonaffirming homes have 2.5 higher rates of attempted suicide than youth in households that respect their preferred pronouns.
- It’s crucial to use preferred pronouns and names, but it’s also normal for mistakes to happen. When they do, acknowledge the error, apologize and move on.
- Be your child’s advocate. Whether at school, at the doctor or with family and friends, you play a crucial role in ensuring your child’s physical and emotional safety.
- Foster an atmosphere where your child feels empowered to express themselves. While your child may not want to change anything about their appearance, be supportive if they do. Your child may experience dysphoria due to their bodies not matching the image they have of themselves, so helping them do so safely is crucial. You can start by helping your child find clothes, accessories or hairstyles that affirm their gender expression.
- Encourage your child to explore their interests, regardless of gender norms. Celebrate their achievements and milestones. By nurturing their self-esteem and confidence, you empower them to navigate the world with resilience and courage.
Your choice to support your nonbinary child won’t change who they are but will change how they feel about themselves and their relationship with you. By listening, educating yourself and creating a supportive environment, you can empower your child to live as their authentic self.
Dr. Emma Basch is a licensed clinical psychologist based in Washington, D.C. She is the founder and director of Dr. Emma Basch & Associates, a group practice specializing in the mental health needs of women and families. She is a board member of the DC Metro Perinatal Mental Health Collaborative and of Postpartum Support International’s D.C. Chapter, and she teaches and writes frequently about perinatal and reproductive mental health. Caren Ann Appel is a licensed psychotherapist at Dr. Emma Basch & Associates and focuses on late-diagnosed, neurodivergent female-identifying individuals, helping them better navigate their brains and environs. She is a certified complex trauma professional as well as being certified in ADHD assessment and treatment. Appel also has extensive training and experience working with LGBTQ+ people and their families.
