“Dedicated to all the parents who give unselfishly to ensure they do right by their children.” With just that one sentence on their book’s dedication page, Dr. Shelley Davidow and Dr. Michael C. Nagel immediately set the tone for “Grounded: The Off-Road Guide to Parenting in an Unstable World.” This book is not just about raising resilient and joyful children; it is also about nurturing happy and healthy parents. Areas of concern, such as technology’s impact on human development, pressure around childhood overachievement, ramifications from a global pandemic and the increase in anxiety among young people are just a few of the topics that parents are navigating right now. Raising a child is already a complicated process and when you add these types of perplexing issues, it is easy to understand how parents are trapped on what the authors describe as a “stress freeway.”
So how do overwhelmed parents navigate their way out of this chaos and arrive at a calmer destination? “Grounded” suggests that perhaps the answer is thinking about things in a new way by, ironically enough, going back to the basics and rediscovering the value of parental intuition. To learn more, I recently interviewed one of the book’s authors.
Chatting with Dr. Shelley Davidow
JB: What made you want to write a book like this?
SD: Both my colleague and I have written previous books on parenting. We have long talked about working on something together. With my previous book, “Raising Stress Proof Kids,” when parents read it, they said, “You know that is all well and fine but what about us? We need stress proofing.” Mike and I talked about how we could give parents the supportive voice that draws on all the available knowledge and expertise we have as educators, researchers and parents. We could consolidate it and distill it. Here are the things that work, here are things to consider and how to put on your oxygen mask before you help others. Due to the stress levels we were observing and what we were experiencing, we wanted to give something to parents that didn’t exist in this form. We wanted to get back to the idea of living a joyful, beautiful life with your children. It is such a brief time.
JB: The book spends time educating the reader about neurological development. Why is it beneficial for parents to explore this topic?
SD: We often create stress by making assumptions about where our children are at. It is not that we are doing the wrong thing, but we are doing the right thing at the wrong time. This creates a stress response. If you are trying to reason with a 2-year-old, you need to understand that the 2-year-old does not have the capacity for reason, and you are going to create enormous stress. Even as children get older, doing the right thing at the right time is probably the most important thing. When you understand what is happening neurophysiologically, you can respond appropriately and have humor about things. Children are not little adults; they are in progress, and it is so beautiful. If you stress them out early, you can create an overactive stress response. When we understand the neurophysiology of a developing child, we can modify our response and give ourselves a bit of a break. Understanding brain development helps us respond appropriately to each stage of development.
JB: How do you envision this book being used with other books or parenting strategies?
SD: It is a great fit for all kinds of other things. If you are reading about behavior management including models like positive discipline or restorative practice and you read “Grounded,” you get all the background you need in order for those things to make sense. One of the values of “Grounded” is that it affirms what you innately know as a parent but a lot of us as parents do not have the courage to go back to our gut feeling and so we get destabilized.
This book grounds us in our own wisdom and expertise because we do matter. We are the most powerful element— especially in our young children’s environment—and so when we invest in ourselves and trust in ourselves, we change things for the better. Underneath it all, one of the gifts we hope comes out of this book is that it encourages parents to value their relationships with their children because you only have this brief window to make that connection.
JB: “Grounded” describes why positive, supportive environments in the home are crucial for healthy development. Can you talk about that a bit more?
SD: There are so many different parenting paradigms, but we mainly seem to flip between the punitive style and permissive style. Punitive parenting has a high level of authority and demand but not much support. Permissive parenting is very high on support but not holding kids accountable. If you are punitive, kids can become rebellious. If you are permissive, kids can become tyrannical. Where we really want to be is in the window of being restorative. This means we do things with children, not to them or for them. You model good behavior, hold kids accountable, have agreements, explain as much as possible. You show them when they are little, and as soon as they are old enough, you tell them. This is important because it protects the nervous system of the child. It does not create an overactive stress response. When you protect the nervous system by being loving but holding them accountable, you are actually allowing them to develop a healthy stress response. That is what influences behavior. Any kid that is acting out is having a stress response. Their nervous system is not coping.
JB: Why are parents the best source to teach children about resilience?
SD: You were there from the very beginning. You set the tone. We build whether our kids are resilient or if they are primed for fight or flight. It is so important that we care for our own nervous systems because kids take their cues from us. There is enough research that shows that even if a kid spends six hours a day at school, the home environment is still mostly responsible for how kids develop. You cannot outsource the building of resilience to a school environment. Parents are the heart of how children develop as human beings.
JB: Why is the virtual world not a place to build resilience?
SD: First of all, it is cold. Second, it is not real. It activates a stress response even if we are sitting still. Being in the company of others builds our capacity for engaging with other humans. When you are in the virtual world, there is none of that. You have a fraction of people’s humanity. It is very easy to get addicted to virtual friendships. It is designed to addict you. It does not replace in any way the warm human connection we can make with other people. It does not build resilience; it can build dependence and addiction. It is a cold medium. It is no replacement for relationships.
The Bottomline: You are the Expert on Your Child
As parents, academics and researchers, Dr. Davidow and Dr. Nagel designed their book to “offer parents (of tots to teens) a guide to protecting childhood and supporting children’s developing nervous systems while also taking care of their own.” They show how simple things like quality time spent together in nature, prioritizing a healthy mindset, and allowing children to explore their own boredom can provide clarity for uncertain parents searching for support. Ultimately, the book drives home the point that you know your child best and you can lean into your inner wisdom. Parenting is a journey full of new roadblocks that seem to pop up on a daily basis. Dr. Davidow and Dr. Nagel emphasize, however, that it is indeed possible to enjoy the ride if you can just keep yourself grounded.
Jackie Beach, M.Ed. is a Family Resiliency Program (FRP) facilitator for the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and an educational consultant with more than 20 years of experience in educational leadership and family support. She is also the founder and director of Rally Family Support LLC.
