What do you do when your child is melting down, throwing a tantrum or in tears? Most parents try to stop the distress immediately. We capitulate and serve snacks for dinner to stop them complaining about the crock pot meal. We zip the coats of capable 7-year-olds. When siblings fight, we slide an iPad into the room for instant quiet.
At the moment, this response feels gentler. However, what is the cost of quieting big feelings for our child instead of problem-solving with them?
One unexpected cost is that children miss learning how to regulate their strong emotions. Life is full of frustration and anger, and our children will soon be adults. We want them to have a foundation of skills to take responsibility for their own “emotional weather.”
What the experts see
Parenting expert Alyson Schafer sees that parents have become overly sensitive to distress. Some even panic at any sign of a child’s struggle.
Then, when they go to school, children often arrive unable to respect a teacher’s “no.” They demand special services for tasks they can do themselves. Teachers end up spending time helping kids regulate themselves instead of instructing them to learn, explore and socialize.
The “instant gratification” trap
Why are meltdowns increasing? Dr. Vanessa LoBue, a professor of psychology at Rutgers University-Newark, points to a loss of the “waiting muscle.” DC public school pre-K teacher Hannah Hill agrees, noting that digital life provides instant responses, relief and entertainment. Apps and streaming remove the need for patience.
“Screens are used to quiet the child and give instant gratification,” Hill notes. “When they don’t get what they want, they don’t know how to wait.”
Schafer adds that tech issues often stem from a lack of structure. It isn’t just about the screen. It is about the difficult emotional transitions that children must navigate. We can look at these moments as the perfect time to practice emotional regulation.
Boundaries create inner peace
“The more constraints one imposes, the more one frees oneself.” — Igor Stravinsky
Many parents embrace “gentle parenting.” However, Schafer warns this can easily slide into permissive parenting. Lack of boundaries is psychologically disruptive and confusing for children.
Veteran Montessori School teacher Sarah Hill observes that children feel anxious without limits. “They develop inner peace when they know what the expectations are,” she explains. Predictability reduces stress for everyone. Our job is to set limits and experiences that reflect the world they will face.
Prevention strategies to diminish tantrums
Marjie Longshore, of the Family Leadership Center, suggests two paths: prevention and “in-the-moment” tools. Here is how to prevent some storms.
- Create collaborative rules: Make family rules together. Children (and adults) are more likely to uphold rules they helped create.
- Use visual routines: Use a laminated chart with pictures. Let children move stickers for completed tasks. This gives them a sense of control and purpose.
- Keep a behavior journal: Track triggers. Is the meltdown always at 5 p.m.? It might be low blood sugar. Tracking patterns helps you remain a calm “detective.”
In-the-moment strategies
When a tantrum hits, the logical brain goes offline. You cannot reason with a child in this state. Try these steps instead:
- Wait for regulation: No learning happens during a meltdown. Use a calm voice or a hug. Some children may simply need space until they calm down.
- The choice pivot: Offer a clear choice. “Either stop playing with your fork or lunch is over.” Follow through, without anger.
- Active listening: Acknowledge the feeling without changing the boundary. “I see you are angry because you want the phone.” Labeling emotions helps children move from the “feeling” brain to the “thinking” brain.
The power of mutual respect
Children are people. Schafer reminds us that anger and anxiety are survival mechanisms, not problems to “fix.” Treat children with the same respect you desire.
If you lose your temper, apologize. This models emotional maturity. Say, “I got frustrated this morning. Next time, I will pack my bag early so I am not rushing.”
The good news about big emotions
Negative emotions are not bad. They are a flag alerting us to notice a problem. When we help a child through a big emotion, it shows them that their voice matters.
Practice at home might be noisy. However, solving these problems together builds a deep connection. Little by little, you will both grow that “patience muscle.” You will find the windows of dysregulation get smaller every day.
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Paige Trevor is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and a professional organizer and time management coach (paigetrevor.com) who offers a free download on Screens and Teens. For information about PEP’s online programs for parents and organizations, see pepparent.org.
