When my kids were about 8 and 5, we started having (infrequent) family meetings. We mostly talked about screen time, chores and who was supposed to do what around the house (including the adults!). What I’m going to describe here is the “gold standard” for family meetings, but don’t let that scare you off! Remember that Done is Better than Perfect. We had about three meetings a year (mostly around school transitions) for about five years, and they were memorable mostly when screen time limits were increased! But I did take notes during those meetings, and I can see in hindsight how they were a super valuable tool in creating culture in our family where everyone felt seen and heard in a constructive way.
Family meetings might sound like something only super-organized families do, but they’re actually one of the best ways to make home life easier for everyone. Schools, sports teams and jobs all have meetings to make sure things run smoothly; it’s not a stretch to include families into that group.
In his book The Secrets of Happy Families, author Bruce Feiler talks about how regular family meetings help families communicate better, solve problems and make sure everyone feels heard. This is true for all families, but it’s especially helpful when there are neurodivergent kids in the house. Whether a child has ADHD, autism, anxiety or another neurodivergence, family meetings can create a safe and predictable space where they feel valued and included.
When Should You Start?
Kids as young as 4 or 5 can be part of family meetings in simple ways. At this age, they will not sit through a long discussion, but some 4s and 5s can share something about their week, give ideas or help with a fun family decision like picking a movie or a weekend activity.
By ages 7 or 8, most kids can understand basic problem-solving and follow a structure for a meeting. They can take turns talking, listening to others and even helping come up with rules or family plans. If you have a mix of younger and older kids, you can adjust the meetings, so everyone gets something out of them.
Why Family Meetings Are Important
They Give Everyone a Voice
One of the best parts of a family meeting is that everyone, no matter their age, gets a chance to talk. For neurodivergent kids, who might struggle to express their thoughts in everyday conversations, this is huge. Having a set time where they know they can share their feelings, concerns or ideas without being interrupted or rushed helps build confidence and communication skills. If your kiddo’s not a talker, do not worry, and do not treat family meetings like a test: let your complicated kid sit and soak up the atmosphere without pressure to contribute if they really can’t or don’t want to. (Hint: When you settle upon an idea they don’t like, they’re likely to pipe up!)
They Reduce Surprises and Stress
Many neurodivergent kids do best with structure and predictability. If something is going to change – like a new bedtime routine, a different carpool schedule or a big family event – talking about it ahead of time in a family meeting can make the transition easier. It gives kids time to process and ask questions rather than feeling overwhelmed when changes suddenly happen. Talking about events in advance will also let you know what additional supports your child might need between the meeting and the actual event.
They Teach Problem-Solving
It’s common for siblings – especially when one is neurodivergent – to feel like things aren’t always equal. A neurodivergent child needs extra attention or different rules, which can make siblings feel frustrated or left out. Family meetings give everyone a chance to talk about these feelings openly. Instead of bottling up resentment, siblings can ask questions, share their own needs and work together as a family to find solutions. This helps create a home where everyone feels respected and included.
They Encourage Independence
Feiler’s book emphasizes that kids feel more confident when they’re part of making decisions. Family meetings are a great way to let kids practice this. For example, instead of parents always planning the weekend, let kids make suggestions. Instead of just assigning chores, let kids help figure out a system that feels fair to everyone. These small choices help kids, especially neurodivergent ones, feel like they have control over parts of their world. Caveat: there WILL be times when your kids’ ideas are terrible. This is also part of the learning process! Let them have their terrible ideas (as long as no one’s getting hurt right out of the gate) and talk about it after. What went well? What didn’t go so well? What did we learn? (And “what did we learn” in a collaborative, curious way, not an “I told you so” way!)
They Strengthen Family Bonds
A lot of families only have serious discussions when something goes wrong. But if you have regular meetings – even when things are going well – it helps create a strong foundation. That way, when a tough situation does come up, kids already trust that their opinions matter and that their family listens to them. This is huge: flexing the muscle of “in this family, we talk about things, and everyone is heard” is a big deal.
How to Make Family Meetings Work
Not every family meeting needs to be formal. In fact, the more fun and relaxed they are, the more kids will want to participate. Here are some simple tips:
- Keep them short. Start with 10-15 minutes, especially for younger kids. You can always go longer as they get used to it.
- Pick a regular time. Sunday evenings or another calm part of the week can work well.
- Make a simple agenda. A basic plan could include:
- What’s going well?
- Any problems to solve?
- Plans for the week ahead.
- A fun question (like “What’s your dream vacation?”).
- TAKE NOTES! This is one of the most important things. Write things down to refer to later.
- Let kids take turns leading. Even young kids can help pick discussion topics or set a timer.
- End on a positive note. Maybe a group high-five, a family game or a treat.
Takeaways
Family meetings aren’t about making things perfect – they’re about making things better. When kids, especially neurodivergent ones, feel included in decisions and problem-solving, they’re more likely to feel safe, valued and supported at home. These meetings don’t just improve communication but also create happier, more connected families.
Will you give it a try? Your first meeting doesn’t have to be fancy – just set a time, gather the family and start talking. You might be surprised at how much of a difference it makes!
Gabriele Nicolet is a toddler whisperer, child development specialist, parent coach and host of the Complicated Kids Podcast. She is passionate about showing families how to help their complicated kids thrive and not just survive. Reach her at gabrielenicolet.com
Gabriele Nicolet, MA, CCC-SLP, is a family communication specialist and parent coach with more than 20 years of experience working with families of young children. She founded and currently runs SpeechKids, a private, holistic speech therapy and parent mentoring practice. She is co-founder and parent coach at Raising Orchid Kids (raisingorchidkids.com).
