What is empathy? Is it inborn? Can it be learned? Can we nurture it in ourselves? In our children? We might consider these questions in our roles as parents, as partners, as friends, as teachers. Empathy comes easily for some, while seeming complicated or unattainable for others. Empathy can lead to deeper, more authentic connection with others. When we receive it, we know ourselves to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. We might feel as if we have received a warm hug. In fact, empathy is often nonverbal and sometimes it is — quite simply — a warm hug.
How is empathy different from compassion, sympathy and pity?
Empathy, compassion, sympathy, pity — we use these words often and sometimes interchangeably. But are they? Let’s consider the subtle and important distinctions.
- Empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experience of another; also: the capacity for this.
- Compassion is a caring response to someone else’s distress that often begins with empathy and adds a desire to alleviate the person’s distress.
- Sympathy is a feeling of sincere concern for someone who is experiencing something difficult or painful, rather than actively sharing in the emotional experience of the other person.
- Pity is feeling sorrowful or sad for someone, while empathy is feeling sorrowful or sad with someone.
The Golden Rule v. The Platinum Rule
Having empathy helps us to treat others with kindness and respect. Some of us grew up hearing about The Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” When we are practicing and embodying empathy, we might consider the less widely known Platinum Rule, and it goes like this: “Do unto others as they would have done unto them.” In other words, seek to discern what the other human needs — and as appropriate, or to the extent possible — do that.
Attunement within, attunement without
Attunement is the capacity to understand and respond to one’s own or another’s emotions and situational needs. Attunement creates space for deeper connection and understanding. Empathy is a form of emotional attunement. It begins as an inside job: one can — and arguably must — empathize with oneself in order to empathize with others. We may ask ourselves, “How would I feel if this was happening to me?” or “Maybe I haven’t had this exact experience, but I can imagine how it would feel.”
The biological “how” of empathy: mirror neurons
So, we’ve talked about the emotional experience of empathy. Biologically speaking, how and why are humans able to empathize? We humans have mirror neurons in our brain, also found in other primates as well as birds. Mirror neurons fire when a human or animal completes an activity as well as when the human or animal observes the same action being performed by another. Mirror neurons contribute to the experience of empathy by allowing an individual to experience a simulation of another person’s feelings, thoughts or actions in their own brain. This neural mirroring process helps us to understand and connect with others on a deeper level, fostering a sense of shared experience and emotional understanding.
How can we nurture empathy in our children?
If we agree that empathy is an imperative ingredient to genuine connection with other humans, how do we nurture it in our children?
The DOs
- Listen. Seek to understand before striving to be understood.
- Offer compassionate curiosity. “Are you feeling …?” “Help me understand …”
- Reflect back. “I think I heard you say …”
The DON’Ts
- Giving unsolicited advice, unless it is specifically requested.
- Offering solutions or trying to fix the problem. (“Help is the shiny side of control.” – Anne Lamott)
- Sharing your similar experiences “That happened to me once …”
- Using wording such as, “Well, at least” … “At least you still have xyz” or “At least something even worse didn’t happen.”
- Trying to talk someone out of feeling the way they feel.
- “Shoulding” others. Do not tell someone how they should or should not feel. All emotions are valid. It’s how we express them that matters.
- Judging others. “You’re not trying hard enough …” “If only you could see things the way I see them …” Judgment often uses “should” or “shouldn’t.”
When we sow the seeds of empathy in our children, they become the empathy seeds of the future, leading with love and understanding, forming healthy, deeply connected relationships in their own lives.
Kathy Matay is a parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, Md. For more information on PEP’s resources for parents, including online classes and on-demand videos, visit PEPparent.org.
