When I learned that I was expecting, I was elated, but concern set in as I realized that I would have to share this information with a supervisor whom I already had a rocky relationship with. When I told her, she wasn’t happy for me but rather asked me if she could share my personal news with others – to which I responded no, that my pregnancy was my business.
Her inappropriate and illegal question set the tone for the many workplace ups and downs that I navigated during this time. During my pregnancy, a companywide reorganization began which led to mass exits, and my position was reclassified. During my maternity leave, most of my team left the organization. While I was in awe of the new life that I brought into the world, I was also worrying about my job security. When I returned to work, I had a new supervisor, the saga of job reclassification continued and I was ultimately let go. While my experiences were extreme, the feelings of concern and worry when individuals become working parents are shared by many.
Deborah Porter
Luckily, there is a local mom expert whose mission is to help parents, organizations and caregivers be their best. Based in Northern Virginia, Deborah Porter is a sought-after media and voice influencer, coach and consultant on parenting, motherhood and work/life balance. She partners with employers to create workplace cultures that retain working parents and caregivers. Porter used to write an advice column for Washington Parent, “Balance Life With Coach Deborah,” and facilitated Washington Parent Facebook Live events on important topics like executive functioning and cybersafety for kids.
Porter is personally aware of the plight of working parents because she is a mother of three adult children. She has worked on workplace family-friendly policies with many notable organizations including Google, Verizon and The Kennedy Center. When I met her, I immediately knew that I was in great company when she said, “We need to do better by working parents.”
The “Invisible Load” of Motherhood
The “invisible load” of motherhood describes the uncompensated and unnoticed physical, mental and emotional labor that women experience as they try to keep their households running smoothly. It’s a feeling of constant exhaustion as mothers try to keep up with constant to-dos. When partners are confronted with a request to assist, this can lead to further resentment as they may ask to be assigned tasks which further adds to the motherhood load. All of these feelings can lead to what has been called “mom rage.”
Porter is not afraid to acknowledge the “invisible load” of motherhood, but to also boldly advocate for lightening this load. She would like to engage more men in this discussion to open their eyes to the true, lived experience of mothers.
The Family-Friendly Workplace
When women seek employment, they are often drawn to “family-friendly” environments, but what is a family-friendly workplace? Porter thinks that we throw this term around without really understanding what it means for organizations.
Porter describes several hallmarks of a family-friendly workplace:
- Flexibility – Flexibility doesn’t just mean a remote work environment but can be an environment that allows parents the freedom to attend events that are meaningful in their children’s lives.
- On Site Child Care – She views this as a “game changer.” It demonstrates commitment and dedication to working families.
- Child Care Stipends – These stipends can be given to employees or to child care providers. Stipends are important as they can increase accessibility and affordability of child care.
Several of the organizations Porter has worked with see “family-friendly” as a way to create a culture of care for working parents and caregivers. This allows them to bring their whole selves to work every day.
A recent trend is the return to office movement post-pandemic. A complete return to the office isn’t always beneficial for caregivers and working parents, and Porter sees this trend continuing in 2025. Organizations should be cautious when requiring employees to return to the office. Porter believes that employers should consider the costs of losing employees alongside the cost of retaining good employees who simply desire workplaces that allow them to be effective employees and effective parents.
Can We Have It All?
This is a question that has been asked since time immemorial. How about also asking, “Can parents have it all?” Porter says, “Yes, you can have it all but not all at the same time.” She thinks that we need to do some introspection to determine what “all” means, because our needs change over time.
Porter would like to see parents be allowed to be parents everywhere – including the workplace. Often, we choose to not put on our “parenting hat” in the office. Instead of seeing the usual, sterile out-of-office email message, she would like to see people include why they are out of the office, especially if it relates to parenting responsibilities. An out-of-office message could simply state, “Going to take the kids to get braces.” Porter has started to see this practice gain increasing popularity but would like to see especially male organizational leaders make this a practice. “Let’s make real life ‘normal’ for working parents,” she recommends.
The Motherhood Penalty and the Fatherhood Bonus
When women announce their pregnancy, they often don’t receive a bonus but when men announce that they will become fathers, their salaries increase. This is the “Motherhood Penalty and the Fatherhood Bonus.” According to Bankrate in a Newsweek article on that topic, “In 2023, full-time working mothers with children under 18 earned a median salary of $55,276 while fathers in the same category earned $72,280, according to Bankrate. This gap translates to a loss of approximately $1,400 per month, or $17,000 annually for mothers. Over a 30-year career, this could amount to as much as $510,000 in lost wages.”
Caregivers
At any moment, any of us may be placed in a caregiving role. Caregivers, whether caring for a relative and/or children, should not feel their job or advancement is at risk because of family dynamics. “Does your organization make it easy for caregivers to be available for their families when life happens?” Porter questions. If you don’t know, ask them. She adds, “needing to be present for one’s family does not mean [employees] aren’t committed to their job.”
Working Parents and Caregivers Support
Deborah Porter is here for us. If you need assistance navigating the tough and ever-changing terrain of being a working parent or an organization that wants to do better for working families, Porter can help. She provides specialized programming for employee groups and affinity groups on topics such as addressing the load of working mothers, imposter syndrome at work and distilling the myth of work/life balance. She also offers coaching for moms. Porter seeks to create dynamic work environments where working parents, mothers and caregivers can flourish and be more at ease, understanding that we can’t do it all, all of the time, but we can at the right time.
Kristi Guillory is an attorney, policy consultant and a children’s book author. She is the author of Harper Counts Her Blessings.
Liam McCrickard holds a B.A. in creative and professional writing from Goucher College. He is former assistant editor at Washington Parent. He works as a freelance designer, writer and editor of tabletop role-playing games.
Kristi Guillory Reid is an attorney, author and consultant. Her first book, Harper Counts Her Blessings, teaches children about the value of thankfulness and gratitude.
