Dating Abuse is Happening
Young people are still learning what makes a relationship healthy, unhealthy or even abusive. The ideas and beliefs that enable abuse can be changed, so the earlier we intervene with education and support, the earlier we can prevent abuse. One national survey of teenagers showed that almost 70% of teens aged 12-18 who had been in a dating relationship in the past year reported experiencing some type of abuse. We know that the intersection of identities with youth on the margins presents challenges related to racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism and more, which can create even more risks for marginalized youth navigating relationships. Transgender people face significant discrimination, even from people in the gay community.
Types of Dating Abuse
Dating abuse is a pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert power and control, oftentimes through isolation and intimidation, over a dating partner. Knowing the types of abuse is critical for parents and influencers but can also lead to more questions.
Digital abuse:
Let’s say your teen shares that their partner went through their phone, read their messages or made them download a location tracking app. That’s a violation of privacy, and a key indicator that their partner is exerting power over them using technology.
Emotional abuse:
Emotional abuse is extremely common and often the first type of abuse someone experiences. You overhear your child telling a friend about their partner “always making them feel like they are crazy or imagining things.” Gaslighting is a common tactic used by those causing harm to make someone feel like they are losing their minds in order to negate their experiences and feelings.
Financial abuse:
Financial abuse is lesser-known and is when someone attempts to control and/or limit someone’s finances. This is one of the most significant barriers to leaving an abusive relationship. Examples for young people, depending on their own financial independence, can look different. Perhaps one partner is always expected to pay for movies or food, or one partner always borrows money but never pays it back. For young adults or college students, it may show up when a partner is encouraged or pressured into skipping class, extracurricular activities or even work to be with their partner. This can have long-term effects on a young person’s education or career path and financial stability.
Physical abuse:
Physical abuse is never okay, and it is important to ask questions like, “What does it look like when you and your partner argue?” if you observe bruises, marks, or witness their partner being “too physical” during disagreements. Once you find out more, you can start talking about ways they can stay safer and get support.
Sexual abuse:
Coercion into sexual contact or interactions is extremely damaging for young people – ignoring consent, pressuring for sex, refusing to use contraception or sabotaging birth control are just some examples.
Understanding and Responding to Warning Signs of Abuse
Unhealthy behaviors and dating abuse can be hard to spot, especially if the young person experiencing the abuse (or the person causing the harm) is trying to hide it. Responding to what you are observing is critical, and our suggestion is to approach the conversation from a supportive and nonjudgmental place by:
Listening:
Teens/young adults are more likely to be open with their parents when they don’t feel pressured. Approach the conversation using curiosity: “I noticed your phone has been going off a lot lately, aren’t you the popular one?” Depending on their response, you’re likely to hear more about what’s going on.
Asking open-ended and strategic questions:
“I noticed you haven’t been hanging out with your friends much, I miss hearing you all laughing and playing music. Is everything okay?”
Let’s say you observe that your child’s normal activities have changed. They are more withdrawn, isolating from friends and family or not engaging in activities they normally enjoy. Perhaps they are missing classes or got dropped from the basketball team. Start a conversation by asking, “How are things going? I noticed you have been keeping to yourself a lot, are you okay?”
If you observe warning signs, please know there is support for you. The resources listed for parents in the sidebar here are a great first step if you have concerns that your child is experiencing or at-risk for dating abuse.
How To Have a Conversation About Dating Abuse
Navigating when and how to have a conversation can be difficult. Supporting a young person who has experienced abuse can be even more difficult. However, starting the conversation is one of the best things you can do to create a safe space for the young people in your life to share their experiences and ask for support. Important points to keep in mind when having the conversation include:
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Give support:
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Be supportive and non-accusatory or judgmental in conversations about the relationship. “I can see that was hard to share, I appreciate you trusting me – You deserve to feel equal in a relationship.”
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Validate, empathize, and create a space where they feel safe.
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For example, if your teen tells you: “I feel like my partner wants to pressure me into doing things I don’t like or know if I am ready for,” you can respond by saying something like, “That sounds like a really challenging thing to go through. Feeling like your partner is forcing you or not respecting your boundaries can bring up all kinds of hard emotions. What happens when you try to talk to them about it?”
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- “I really love my partner, but they keep demanding I skip work. I’m worried I might be fired,” you can respond by saying, “It’s okay to communicate to them how that makes you feel. You have a right to space and responsibilities outside of your relationship and your partner should be supportive of your independence. Your feelings are valid.”
- “I am not sure why my partner wants my password, but I don’t want to share it,” you can respond by saying, “Passwords are private, and it is important to have digital boundaries in a healthy relationship. Boundaries are yours to build.”
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Accept what they are telling you:
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Believe them, even if what they tell you is hard to hear. “Thank you for being honest. I believe you, and what you are describing sounds like unhealthy behavior which could lead to abuse – what you are feeling is valid.”
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Focus on behaviors, not the person(s) involved:
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Remember, it is normal that youth may still have feelings of love, connection and compassion for the person who is harming them. “The behaviors you are describing sound very unhealthy. It is not okay to be forced to do something you are not comfortable with. I am not saying they are a bad person, but calling and texting you constantly is very concerning.”
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Talk about their safety in a nonjudgmental, supportive way:
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Recognize that leaving the relationship may not resolve the issue, especially if they go to the same school or are in the same extracurricular activities or social circles. Learn more here: When A Survivor Asks You for Help.
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Decide on the next steps together:
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“What do you feel comfortable doing next?”
“Do you fear your friends will judge you?” “What can I do to support you?”
“Do you think changing classes would be helpful?”
As a parent, especially if your child is under the age of 18, sometimes it is necessary to take immediate steps and help them find support, including reaching out to love is respect and getting information about safety planning.
This article is excerpted with permission from Parent Discussion Guide on Youth Healthy Relationships from love is respect. A project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, love is respect is the national resource to disrupt and prevent unhealthy relationships and intimate partner violence by empowering young people 13-26 through inclusive and equitable education, support and resources. The creation of this guide was funded by The Allstate Foundation.
RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO PARENTS/INFLUENCERS
love is respect
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- Call 1-866-331-9474
- Chat at loveisrespect.org
- Text “LOVEIS” to 22522
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National Domestic Violence Hotline
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- Call 1-800-799-7233
- Chat at thehotline.org
- Text “START” to 88788
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National Parent Helpline
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- (only available Monday – Friday 10 AM – 7 PM PST)
- Call 1-855-427-2736
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RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO TEENS & YOUNG ADULTS
love is respect
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- Call 1-866-331-9474
- Chat at loveisrespect.org
- Text “LOVEIS” to 22522
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Crisis Text Line
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- Text “HOME” to 741741
- Send a Facebook message
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The Trevor Project
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- Call 1-866-488-7386
- Chat at thetrevorproject.org
- Text “START”” to 678678
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Your Life Your Voice
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- Call 1-800-448-3000
- Text “VOICE” to 20121
- Email at yourlifeyourvoice.org
- (response within 48 hours)
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Healthy Financial Relationships
Talking to young people about finances may feel uncomfortable, but it’s important. In a recent survey conducted by Junior Achievement and The Allstate Foundation, nearly 1 in 3 U.S. teenagers aged 13-18 have experienced an unhealthy financial warning sign in a romantic relationship. The study also found that 61% of teens trust their parents or guardians the most to teach them about healthy shared finances with a romantic partner or friend. While pressure to skip class or work may feel small, the acceptance of these behaviors can have significant financial impact on a young person’s financial future. You can model healthy financial relationship behaviors by sharing how you manage finances with a partner (budgeting, savings, credit cards, etc.). You can also have open discussions with the young person in your life to reinforce healthy behaviors of romantic relationships – such as being supportive of school and work and sharing costs such as a dinner out or concert tickets.
Liam McCrickard holds a B.A. in creative and professional writing from Goucher College. He is former assistant editor at Washington Parent. He works as a freelance designer, writer and editor of tabletop role-playing games.
A project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, love is respect is the national resource to disrupt and prevent unhealthy relationships and intimate partner violence by empowering young people 13-26 through inclusive and equitable education, support and resources.
