March 2011

The Perks and Pitfalls of Raising an Only Child

By Robyn Des Roches

As a kid, I felt a little envious of my best friend. Not only was she good at math and spelling, but she had been to Europe and brimmed with worldly self-confidence at the tender age of 8. She had a room of her own, kid-friendly parents, and a bunch of cool toys, including a 5-foot tall model of Tyrannosaurus Rex. The one thing she didn’t have was siblings. I did, and it wasn’t always clear to me that they compensated for the lack of a private bedroom and a miniature T. Rex. In fact, I was pretty sure that my friend had a much better deal than I did.

In many respects, I was right. Research has shown that only children enjoy a wide range of advantages over kids from larger families, including superior levels of intelligence, education, achievement, self-esteem and ease in being on their own. Recent studies have debunked negative stereotypes of only children, such as their presumed inability to share (actually, they perform as well as, or better than, kids with siblings) and their lack of social skills (a slight deficit at the start of elementary school has vanished by the end).

Raising an only child can be a uniquely rewarding experience, allowing parents to become more deeply engaged with their “one and only” than is possible when dividing their attention among multiple children. At the same time, parents of onlies face unique pitfalls that potentially can sabotage this match made in heaven.

Respect Childhood

A child who grows up without siblings often feels, and may be treated, like one of the adults. Early exposure to grown-up ideas and vocabulary has obvious benefits and undoubtedly contributes to the high accomplishments of singletons. The flipside of “adultifying” children is the excessive pressure it places on them. Onlies who view mature adults as their natural peer group and role models often set inappropriately high standards for themselves, resulting in either a defeated underachiever or a chronically self-critical perfectionist. Without siblings to diffuse the intensity of parental scrutiny, onlies can feel like they live under a microscope, constantly pressured and criticized.

Parents can help by letting kids be kids. Make sure there are daily opportunities for unstructured play (especially with peers their own age) during the preschool and early elementary years. Time spent exploring their own interests and cooperating with other children will foster developmentally necessary faculties, such as emotional intelligence, social connection, curiosity, ingenuity and imagination—all of which are critical for future personal and professional success. If parents lighten up on mistakes—by treating them as opportunities to learn and improve rather than as shameful errors—this will reduce the stress that can harm a child’s physical and mental health. It also will keep the lines of communication open and honest. Filtering out grown-up topics that children have a right not to be concerned with (such as relationship problems or financial worries) will sustain your child’s feelings of stability and security.

Provide Enough—and No More

Researchers speculate that the concentration of family resources on a single child accounts for the higher self-esteem, intelligence and achievements of these children. At the same time, they note that kids actually are put at risk when parents cross the line and become excessively indulgent with their time, money and energy. Psychologists describe habitual overindulgence as a form of child abuse, leaving kids feeling chronically dissatisfied, unable to delay gratification and poorly equipped to manage their impulses. They develop a sense of entitlement, believing they should always get what they want and reacting poorly when they do not.

Because it is so easy for parents of only children to fall into the trap of overindulgence, they must discipline themselves as well as their kids. Just the fact that you can afford to splurge on that electronic device or don’t mind arranging your weekends to satisfy your 5-year-old’s every whim does not mean you should. Let your child occasionally do without, and let her cope with boredom, so that she can discover ways of making more out of less.

Encourage Independence

The mission of all parents is to prepare their children to leave the nest and successfully manage life on their own. Those raising a single child may feel conflicted about this task. It might seem easier just to keep doing things for the child rather than to teach her how to do things for herself. Some parents unconsciously might try to postpone the loss of their only child by keeping her dependent. Either way, these interventions undermine the child’s self-reliance so that she constantly turns to her parents for help or makes bossy demands for their service.

Foster your child’s independence by providing age-appropriate opportunities to contribute to the household and feel useful. Preschoolers can be taught to vacuum and make their beds, and school-age children can assist with meal preparation and loading the dishwasher. Along with increased responsibility, give your child increased autonomy. Stand back and allow her to manage her own problems, letting her know that you are always available as a sounding board or consultant. Whenever possible, allow your child to make mistakes. Let her learn from the consequences of her actions while she is young so that by her teen years (when the stakes are higher) she has plenty of practice in making good choices on her own.

Essential life lessons for your one and only child

Respect for limits. Establish clear boundaries for acceptable behavior, and enforce them consistently with reasonable and related consequences for infractions.

Money management. Start a weekly allowance, and teach your child how to divide it into short-term spending, long-term savings and charitable giving. Over time, she will learn how to establish priorities, delay gratification and consider the needs of others.

Distinguishing wants from needs. Respond reliably to your child’s needs, but if it’s not a birthday, annual holiday or major milestone, avoid indulging too many wants.

Robyn Des Roches is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). PEP teaches classes and workshops to parents of children from birth through the teen years. Visit PEPparent.org or call 301-929-8824.