February 2009
Ages & Stages
When I Stopped Yelling
By Lynne Ticknor, M.A.
I stopped yelling. Really. For the past two weeks, I have not raised my voice. Not once. When you hear the reason why, you won't be impressed--but you might benefit from the lesson I've learned.
The reason I haven't raised my voice is that, well, I can't. I just had a tonsillectomy, and I haven't been able to talk--let alone yell--ever since. Aside from the extreme pain of swallowing and the excruciating throbbing in my ears, the experience has been very good for me--and my kids.
Not only has my volume been muted, but my ability to nag, remind, dictate and mandate has been short-circuited as well. I've decided that not having a loud parental voice improves family life. I've also learned that I don't need to have a loud voice to influence, guide and support my kids.
I've always known that yelling and nagging aren't effective parenting techniques. I know why these behaviors don't get the desired results, and I often advise other parents to quit repeating themselves if they want their child to respond the first time they make a request. The only thing we accomplish by repeating ourselves is training our children not to listen the first time. But I sometimes forget to follow my own advice.
Everyone Is Calmer
What I've learned in my home laboratory over the past few weeks is that, when I don't yell, everyone is calmer. When I don't nag, the things that need to get done do, in fact, get done. When I don't remind, everyone remembers on her own. And, when I don't dictate and mandate that things be done a certain way (a euphemism for my way), everyone is happier.
The situation would not have been the same several years ago when my kids were still very young. Babies benefit from parental monologue. It helps them learn about their world. I never questioned the wisdom of babbling on incessantly to my infant ("Now Mommy's going to change your diaper. I'm going to lay you down on your changing table. Off comes the diaper! Doesn't it feel good to be clean and dry?!"). The trouble was that, as my kids grew up, my constant monologue didn't stop.
Losing the Chattering Habit
My nonstop chatter became such a habit that I couldn't even give my 7-year-old daughter a simple "yes" or "no" when she asked if she could have a snack. Instead, I provided detailed instructions she didn't need. ("Sure, honey, there is fruit on the counter. You can get yourself some milk, too . . . but be sure to put it back in the refrigerator. And, if you use the chocolate syrup, push the squirt-top down tightly. Oh, and the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty, so use the cups in the cabinet.")
During these weeks that I've been unable to talk, I have responded simply by nodding my head. She can see that there is fruit on the counter. She knows that she can get herself some milk and she always puts it back in the refrigerator. And, lo and behold, she can tell the difference between a dirty cup and a clean cup! And the squirt-top on the chocolate syrup? She doesn't usually push it down tightly, but in the bigger scheme of things, does that really matter?
As for the rest of the daily goings-on, well, no one forgot their homework, everyone packed their book bags before going to bed, and no one needed lengthy instructions on how to accomplish those tasks. When something had to be said, they usually reminded each other. ("Jack, you left your money for lunch on the counter," said Abigail, in a matter-of-fact tone rather than in the annoyed tone I probably would have used.)
So, now that I'm almost fully recovered and getting my voice back, I've decided that I'm going to hold my tongue more often. My kids are extremely self-sufficient. I've taught them well. Now I just need to shut up.
Tips for Parents Who Yell
Determine why you yell. Are you feeling overworked and underappreciated? Are you running on empty? We yell most when we're under stress. When we find ways to meet our own needs, we usually stop yelling at everyone else.
Respond, don't react. We yell when we choose to react rather than respond to a situation. If your son enters the living room and turns on loud music, respond by walking over to him and letting him know that the volume needs to be turned down rather than reacting by shouting, "Turn that DOWN!"
Make infrequent requests. Once kids know what to do, they don't need constant reminders for daily tasks. Asking your child to help you clean out the car every once in a while will result in a higher likelihood of cooperation than asking every time the chore is needed.
Make reasonable requests. Telling your young child, "Go clean your room!" may be too overwhelming for her. Turning the volume up and shouting doesn't make the task less daunting, but breaking it down into smaller pieces does ("Please put all of your stuffed animals into the bin.").
Say it in five words or less. If you have to remind your child, say, "Homework. Now." That is more likely to be effective than screaming, "I've told you three times to get your homework done blah, blah, blah . . .
Lynne Ticknor is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington. PEP offers parenting classes and workshops for parents with kids of all ages. For more information, visit PEPparent.org.