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December 2009

Resist the Urge to Splurge

Why Less Means More for Kids

By Robyn Des Roches

As Jennifer Owings watched her children tear through one holiday gift after another last December, a light bulb clicked on in her head. "I had been looking forward to a warm, loving family celebration and felt irritated with them for making it all about the presents," the Silver Spring mother of two recalls. "But then it dawned on me that most of my holiday preparations had actually gone toward buying and wrapping those gifts. If I wanted my children to change their attitude toward the holidays, my own behavior would have to change first."

Owings is not alone in feeling dissatisfied with a festive season dominated by shopping. More than three in four Americans wish the December holidays were less materialistic, according to the Center for a New American Dream, a nonprofit group based in Takoma Park, MD. Nearly 9 in 10 believe the holidays should be more about family and caring for others and less about giving and receiving gifts.

Once the holidays are upon us, however, it is all too easy to succumb to the urge to splurge. Retailers outdo themselves in marketing conspicuous consumption at this time of year, redoubling their invitations, to "Buy two, get one free!" and, "Stock up while supplies last!" When tempted, how many of us have found ourselves rationalizing extravagant purchases by picturing the happiness we will bring our children with a mere swipe of a credit card?

The Pitfalls of Overindulgence

"People are buying into the belief that what makes [children] happy is buying them things, but the research tells us that things don't make us happy," says Susan Linn, author of Consuming Kids: The Hostile Takeover of Childhood. Indeed, research conducted over the last 15 years has revealed that chronic material overindulgence engenders an underlying sense of dissatisfaction that persists into adulthood.

Overindulgence also contributes to a host of developmental delays and dysfunctional attitudes, including confusion in distinguishing wants from needs, difficulty recognizing how much is enough and problems appreciating and caring for possessions. Although parents overindulge children out of the best of intentions, they are actually committing a form of neglect, researchers say, failing to teach difficult but crucial life skills, such as delaying gratification, budgeting resources and making good choices.

A New Approach

Those of us who want to curb overindulgence this holiday season can take a crucial first step by making it a priority to spend time, rather than money, on our families. Create a wish list of activities everyone wants to do together over the winter break. Talk about the traditions your family enjoys, and brainstorm ways of making them even more special. If you light candles, try making your own this year. If you decorate a tree, consider a half-day excursion to a tree farm along with a simple picnic. Introduce new traditions, such as baking cookies and packing them in tins for a homeless shelter, spending an afternoon building a gingerbread house or hosting an evening charades party to which each child invites a friend or two.

As parents, we know the heartwarming pleasure of giving to the people we love. School-age children are ripe for initiation into this experience. Coach them in the process of creating a truly appropriate gift. Encourage them to think about the recipient's interests and the things that make them happy. Doing so can help teach kids empathy for others. Seeing the recipient's face light up as she opens your child's present can help nurture a young person's generosity.

Gifts That Teach the Spirit of Giving

How can we establish a happy medium between camping out at the malls and going cold turkey on shopping? One way is to make time for a homemade gift or two this year. Not only do these gifts make for fun family projects, but they are often appreciated longer than anything you could buy at a store. Try your hands at some of the following:

Also consider giving experiences rather than things. Present your child with a membership to the local zoo or aquarium, and schedule a visit. Make a gift of your time with activity coupons (good for a kiddie manicure or knitting lesson) or an official-looking "date" invitation (to go skating, build a bird feeder or camp out in the backyard). Children can design gift certificates that offer card game instruction to a younger sibling or special services to a parent, such as vacuuming the car or cleaning the windows.

Most of us will still find ourselves shopping for presents this month, and the kids will be as excited about them as ever. But a few simple changes can make equal time for thinking about others and the nonmaterial ways of adding to their happiness. Those are values we can feel good about teaching our children during the holidays and encouraging them to practice throughout the year.

Robyn Des Roches is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). PEP teaches classes to parents of children from birth through the teen years. ParentEncouragement.org

The Center for a New American Dream offers guidance on having "more fun, less stuff" and a 23-page brochure on simplifying the holidays (newdream.org/holiday)

Alternatives for Simple Living, launched in 1973 as a protest against the commercialization of Christmas, equips people of faith to challenge consumerism and create meaningful celebrations (simpleliving.org)

Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood is a national coalition of healthcare professionals, educators, advocacy groups and parents devoted to exposing the dangers and limiting the impact of media and marketing on children (commercialexploitation.org)