For years after she finished college, Lucy would dream about being a student, arriving at school late and unprepared. She'd wake up in a sweat. Her pounding heart would slowly quiet as the realization seeped in that it was only a dream. Eventually she got beyond that, and her first waking moments were calm. It was only as she began to face the day that the anxiety returned. Because she had kids to nag and cajole, push and pull, threaten and bribe, and otherwise try to get off to school on time.

Lucy is not unique. All across America, households are facing the same Monday through Friday struggles, 180 days of the year. Children are reluctant to wake up or to get ready. They're busy doing everything but. They drag their feet through morning tasks and routines — or omit them. They procrastinate and then rush, forgetting things and arriving at school distracted and unprepared. Meanwhile, parents are angry, beseeching, overly involved or resigned. The negative feelings can linger and pollute the day for parents and children alike. Is this an inevitable part of family life? Could it be different?

Lucy decided things needed to change, and so she enrolled in a parenting class. She learned that a smooth morning experience is a series of preplanned activities and for each one, the child has responsibilities. Lucy realized that she had been intruding into her children's turf. Instead of doing more for her children, to get them out in the morning, she should be doing less. Like many of us, she was serving as alarm clock, personal valet, personal chef, personal chauffeur, personal secretary. . . . "Am I training my children to be self-absorbed celebrities or self-reliant members of society?" she wondered.

Start the Morning the Night Before

Not surprisingly, the morning's experience begins the night before. Good nights lead to good mornings. Children who do not get enough sleep at night have to fight their own bodies to wake up and get moving. This internal struggle continues throughout the day. But morning preparations begin even before lights-out. Taking time before going to bed to preview the next day and make preparations will not only save time in the morning, but also help things go more smoothly. Children's evening routines should include putting homework into binders and backpacks so it won't be forgotten and won't trigger a frantic search as the school bus approaches. Permission slips and other such items can be checked off to make sure they've been taken care of. Tomorrow's clothes can be laid out. Lunch money can go in change purses. Lunches can be planned or prepared. After-school schedules can be reviewed. All this will help the day begin as if it were expected, rather than arriving like an ambush.

Who Is Responsible?

Who should be responsible for these things? Ultimately, of course, children should. As soon as children start school they can begin to take on these tasks — which are, after all, part of being a student. Younger children and those with organizational issues may need help in managing homework, clothing, permission slips, lunch, money and so on. For disorganized children it is especially important that they begin taking on the process of organizing themselves, because their learning curve is longer and less smooth.

Lucy and her children, Tom (age 8) and Rosie (age 6), sat down together to make a general checklist of what needs to be done at night and in the morning. The timeline includes morning responsibilities and allocates sufficient time for Tom to transition from one activity to the next and for Rosie to dawdle over her cereal. It helps them determine how much time they need in the morning and thus what time to get up.

After planning their schedules, Tom wrote down his. Rosie's list incorporated a combination of words, drawings and pictures cut from magazines. She included images of an alarm clock, tooth and hair brushes, a Pocahontas bedspread, a large glass of orange juice that dwarfed everything else, a backpack, a photo of her in her favorite outfit and a TV with a big red X across it. When Tom and Rosie were put in charge of creating their own timelines, they had to seriously think about the components of their day, about what needs to be done and when. Rosie is too young to plan such a schedule on her own, and even Tom needed guidance. Lucy's role is to encourage thoughtfulness and to lead her children to come up with the components, rather than telling them. It is more important that children learn to think about their evenings and mornings in terms of tasks and responsibilities than it is to get everything on the list. Time will tell us what we have omitted.

Waking Up

Countless mornings, in a scenario familiar to many of us, Lucy's neighbor wakes her son, Scott. "Rise and shine," she coos sticking her head into his room. Five minutes pass, and he hasn't stirred. "Honey, time to get up for school," she chirps as she opens his drapes, letting the sunshine in. Ten more minutes pass. "It's time to get up or you'll be late," she reminds him. "I don't want to go to school," Scott grumbles from beneath the covers. "Why not? What's wrong?" Mom asks, all concerned. "The kids make fun of me. The teachers hate me. I hate school." "You have to go," Mom replies, "The kids expect you, the teachers depend on you. And besides, you're the principal."

This old joke makes the point that if we start off by waking our children for school, we may never find "the right time" to turn the job over to them. And the children will not learn how to wake themselves, knowing that they don't actually have to because we do it for them. As soon as Lucy decided to change things, she took each child shopping to buy alarm clocks. Rosie practiced using hers by setting the alarm to go off in two minutes — over and over again. This drove Tom completely nuts, but Lucy sent him out to play. Because Tom has trouble waking up in the morning, he got an alarm with louder tones and decided to place it on his desk, away from the bed. In the beginning, Tom's clock always woke Lucy before Tom was awake enough to get up and turn it off. Lucy had to resist the urge to go in and wake Tom, or she would be defeating the whole process.

Lucy's parenting class taught her to act as though she expected her kids to wake up, shut off their alarms, get up and get ready. Checking on them would communicate that she expected them to fail. Instead of worrying about the fact that she didn't hear Tom stirring, Lucy focused on her own morning routine and soothing her own anxieties. If Tom got up late or Rosie played too long in her room, they might miss breakfast. They will not starve in one morning, Lucy reminded herself. If they're hungry during the day today, they'll be more likely to allow time to eat tomorrow, on their own initiative.

Getting Ready

Rosie is an early riser, often the first person in the household to get up. When she was younger, Lucy would keep Rosie occupied by TV. But this proved to be a problem because it became harder and harder to tear her away, and Rosie would be cranky about it, too. So now Rosie plays with toys or books until everyone else is up and about and beginning breakfast duties. But sometimes Rosie decides to start right in playing, before getting dressed and doing her morning toilette. Upon occasion she keeps on playing and is late. One week, Rosie kept cutting it closer and closer, until one day the bus came and went and she was still not dressed. Lucy grabbed the emergency bag of Rosie's clothes and drove her to school in her pajamas. She gave Rosie the choice of dressing in the car or carrying the clothing bag in to change at school. Rosie chose to dress in the car and was ready in one minute. That afternoon Rosie was expected to do some odd jobs to pay for the "taxi service." No lecture was needed — and it never was a problem again.

Lucy makes sure that Rosie has clothing she can manage herself. When Rosie needs help, she asks. Velcro™ and elastic are easier than ties and buckles. Lucy sets as few limits on clothing choices as possible. Rosie knows which things are not intended for school because they are too dressy or too casual. Lucy doesn't worry too much about matching or even the weather. She's taught Rosie about temperature and precipitation. Off-season clothes are boxed up, so Rosie cannot go too far astray. She may need fewer sweaters than Lucy does on cold days — or maybe more. Lucy gives Rosie the opportunity to pay attention to her own comfort signals and learn what works for her.

Their morning schedule includes who has which breakfast job, who is on cleanup and who feeds the cat. What constitutes a healthy breakfast was agreed upon in advance. Tom likes to lay the breakfast things out the night before, but Rosie doesn't mind having things to do in the morning. Breakfast is always available; people can decide whether or not to eat it.

There are a few other morning chores in Lucy's house, but not being much of a morning person herself, she prefers to leave most chores for after school. The kids are expected to make their beds before school. Someone has to feed the cat. In terms of lunches, one month they decided that each person should make their own. For another couple of months, it was a rotating assignment. These tasks are included on their morning checklists.

Lucy was glad that she had planned in advance for what to do if one of the kids didn't get up at all or didn't make it out to school in a timely manner. For each family, this depends on the family's situation as much as their values. Do parents have places they are committed to being? Can the child be kept at home with a parent or sitter? Will she be sent or taken to school, ready or not? Will she have to pay "cab fare" if she misses the bus and gets a ride? If she is home truant, her experience should be neither a holiday nor jail time. Making the day as unexciting as possible, including canceling after-school fun, will discourage repetition. Since it is a school day, consider requiring educational activities. If her truancy is an imposition on the family, should she do something to compensate them? She should certainly be responsible for any missed assignments or homework.

However tempted Lucy was to protect her children from the consequences of an unexcused absence, she knew how wrong it would be to make excuses or lie to the school when her children were tardy or truant. To do so would be an educational experience for them — of the wrong kind. Not only would the child be insulated from the consequences of her action, but Lucy would be teaching lying and cheating.

Most days the system works well enough that they have time for a 10-minute game or other fun family activity together before leaving the house. This ensures that everyone, including Lucy, leaves the house in a good mood, ready to make the most of the day. On those occasional days when they have to rush, Lucy accepts it as part of life, doesn't beat herself or anyone else up over it and looks for lessons to be learned. She has eliminated (most of) the nagging, cajoling and threatening. She tries to maintain a pleasant, respectful demeanor. And, along with her cell phone, she keeps her sense of humor with her at all times.

• Take children shopping to select their own alarm clocks, choosing ring tone and style. Let the alarm wake them, not the parent.
• Children should make a timeline or checklist of their morning routine. That way the paper is the boss, not the parent. Nonreaders can use pictures.
• Each child should have a different breakfast chore. Young kids like being the "toast master" or juice maker.
• Spend the last 10 minutes or so, before leaving, doing something pleasant together. This will set the tone for the day.