Chances are, your parents didn’t talk to you about money, and you’re not comfortable talking to your children about money. So how will your kids develop a healthy relationship with money and become financially responsible adults?

Is it when they see Mommy fill a shopping basket with food or toys or clothes and then swipe a plastic card through a machine? No! What they’re learning is that as long as you have that plastic card, you can have anything you want.

Is it when Daddy pulls out that magic card, punches some numbers on an ATM and out comes cash to go buy ice cream? No! Your children are learning that with a plastic card and the right machine you can get money anywhere, anytime.

And they are not getting productive messages about money decisions when they overhear random comments like, "You spent how much money for that?!" " Uncle Jim has lots of money, but he is so cheap." "I wish I could afford a house like your sister’s." "It’s only money. Don’t worry, we’ll be able to pay it off in a year." "I went broke saving money at the sale today!" "We can’t afford that; we never could afford that." "I would never spend that much money for such a thing!" "I don’t know how we’re going to make it this month." "We have no money." "Everyone has more than we have." "Tell the credit lady on the phone Mommy’s not here." "Of course you can have that; choose whichever one you want." "I hate my work, but I can’t afford to change careers at this point." "Don’t worry about money; things will work out somehow." "Why shouldn’t I buy it?"

When children hear snippets of information — and misinformation–about money, they are not learning about good money decisions. They are receiving clear messages that will support or sabotage their future relationship with money and trigger an array of consequences: Your kids will learn to hoard money, go into debt, use money to seek status, power or control — or they will learn to invest, spend and save wisely.
These ten tips will help your children develop a healthy relationship with money:

1. Money in before money out. Whenever possible, let children see you deposit money in the bank before you withdraw it. If you do your banking electronically, this is more difficult, but at least mention that you always make sure you have enough in the bank before you take any money out. Reinforce the concept by letting your children save money in a bank at home, and let them spend that money to buy things to see the connection. As they get older, open savings accounts in their names so they can learn to understand that they have money they cannot see but still can use.
   
2. Teach them to set goals and save for them. Label a jar with a set amount of money to be used for something specific. Start small, say, $5 to buy a gallon of ice cream and sprinkles. Collect $5 worth of change in the jar and count it out before buying the treat. Keep this money separate when you go to the store so that your children can buy the ice cream with that cash. Let your children know if you are saving for a car, a house or a vacation. Your example will teach them to set goals and not to expect immediate gratification. They will learn to wait and work for important things.
3. Talk about the difference between wanting and needing. You need shoes, but you want the latest trendy brand. You need to eat a nourishing meal, but you want fast food. You want that jacket on sale, but you don’t need another. Sometimes when a child asks for something, his parents say, "You don’t need that." But they forget to share their own decisions to pass up something they may want but don’t need. This doesn’t mean you can’t buy something you want; the point is to help children learn to differentiate and make intentional decisions.
   
4. Focus on making choices, not sacrifices. Instead of saying, "We can’t afford that," "That’s too expensive" or just saying "No," substitute a comment that expresses an intentional choice. "I want to stay home and visit state parks this year so we can save for a special vacation next year." "I set a limit for what I will pay for a coat, and this one is over the limit." "I wouldn’t choose to buy that because…" "I choose to bring my coffee/water/soda with me and not buy it at the quick stop so that I can save that money for more important things." "I choose to buy a used car." " I choose to buy the less expensive dress because I can only wear it a few times." Instead of feeling that "No" means sacrifice, scarcity or embarrassment, children learn that life is all about making choices; we are free to make the choice that is best for us in the long term. Adding the dollar amount can make this idea more concrete. "We love ice cream sundaes. When we choose to buy ice cream and toppings at the grocer’s instead of stopping at the restaurant, we have great sundaes and we’re saving $10 a week! That means we’ll have $500 dollars extra this year to spend on our vacation or to buy gifts to donate to children for the holidays."
   
5. Show your children that you are planning for the future. In addition to using a change jar to save for special treats, let your kids hear conversations about saving for a new roof, paying off the car, putting money aside to celebrate a birthday, saving for their education and paying bills on time. In some families children think that money exists only on payday, when there’s a big spending spree followed by no more money until the next payday. Other families tie their dreams to winning the lottery or getting a bonus check or a tax refund. Children experience a sense of security when parents model the benefits of planning, when the children’s needs are consistently met and when they sense that their parents are in control of finances and are planning for the future.
6. Listen to your comments about other people’s financial situations. Do you refer to a wealthy uncle as "filthy rich" or as one who made smart investments or worked hard for his success? When referring to someone struggling financially, do your voice and words place blame or show compassion? If you equate wealthy people with lacking integrity or say they should be taking care of everyone else, your children may learn to sabotage their own chances at financial success because they got the message that you wouldn’t respect them if they are successful or that you would expect them to assume the burden of responsibility for everyone else. Also, do you compare yourself with others? Do your children hear comments like, "I wish we had a vacation home in the mountains like our friends do." "We should get a new car every year like our neighbors." "Everyone else is adding on to their houses." Comparisons also give negative messages about money.
   
7. Talk about gift giving. When buying a birthday present for your child’s friend, let your child use his own money if possible. When shopping with your child, explain how you make decisions. Do you set a certain amount to spend for every birthday present? Do you base the gift on what that child gave your son on his last birthday? Do you buy something because it is practical or on sale or because you know that the recipient really wants it? For example, "This is a really special birthday for Grandma so we are spending extra money to buy something she’s been wanting for a long time." Or, "We have lots of people we want to remember for the holidays, so I’ve saved $50 to buy materials for us to decorate picture frames to give each of them." Or, "I’m really happy that the gift I wanted to buy for Aunt Sue is on sale so I can get it and stay within my budget."
   
8. Include your children in charitable giving. Many families have a special place to keep money for donations. Sometimes children are required or encouraged to contribute every time they receive money, whether as a gift or from their allowance or earnings, to reinforce the value of charitable giving. Include your children in your conversations about where the money will go. Discuss how you decide to give money to others. Do you budget a set amount for the year for specific charities or to one umbrella agency? Do you give more at the holidays? Do you give small amounts as requests arise throughout the year? Do you give gifts of donations in honor of friends and family? When someone phones to solicit money, do your children see you as an easy mark who can’t say no? Or, do they always hear you say no, without realizing that you give in other ways?
   
9. Turn off the shopping channel. Talk about ads on TV, the radio, in magazines, newspapers, the mail and on the sides of buses and buildings. Point out the subtle advertising of products everywhere. The message from the media is, "Buy, buy, buy, you need it now, but you don’t have to have the money today — just charge it and don’t worry about interest payments." Kids are exposed to an overwhelming amount of marketing; they don’t even notice that they are receiving those messages whose subtlety unquestionably influences their decisions. Point out the marketing tricks and inform your kids that ads are not meant to help them but to sell products.
   
10. Enjoy your money! Use it wisely to provide things and experiences that add quality and fun to your life. Let your children see you looking forward to things you have saved for. Make sure you don’t put a negative spin on spending for fun or buying things you want, by giving your children conflicting messages such as, "I can’t believe how much this costs!" "You’d better enjoy this — it costs enough." "I could have bought that new dining room set for what this costs."

Children who grow up in families where money is respected as a means to provide a stable life and secure future — where it is shared with others, used to support enriching projects and enhance the quality of life — will develop a healthy, responsible relationship with money. And in the long term, that will pay off with children who grow up to be financially responsible!

Syble Solomon, a former child development specialist, is a speaker and author who promotes personal responsibility for creating a satisfying and secure life. She created Money Habitudes™, a deck of cards used by financial educators and counselors to identify how our relationship with money can support and sabotage our life and financial goals. Visit her website at www.lifewise.us.